Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part III. The Punchline.

In Part I of this series, I described my history with an insane physically, emotionally and sexually abusive nuclear family that combined with our collective lack of resources made me realize that if the S ever HTF that I would be on my own with no one in my family either willing or able to help.  I decided that I needed to be “successful” in life if I had any hope of securing a safe, sane and comfortable future for myself free from abuse, including abuse from men which I knew by watching and listening to my mother’s experience could and would ruin my life.  In Part II I describe the execution of my plan — I applied and was accepted to law school and graduated at the top of my class, hopeful that a law degree would provide me with the employment skills and financial security I knew I needed to keep myself safe.  I worked my ass off for about 6 years chasing an elusive “savings” and financial safety net that would catch me if I ever needed catching.  In the end, the only substantial money I ever made as a practicing attorney were the legal settlements for two work-related injuries I had suffered on the job as a lawyer.  My career and my best-laid plans were largely a bust by the time I was laid off the final time, lost my apartment in a hurricane, and was diagnosed with a serious debilitating chronic illness, Crohn’s disease.

In this Part III I will dissect and analyze what happened to me as basically the punchline of a cosmic patriarchal and capitalist joke — modern girls and women are led to believe that educations and careers can and will save us from the oppressive lives our mothers and grandmothers led but this is easier said than done.  In reality, my experience and observation has led me to conclude that, under capitalism and patriarchy, women’s “success” or power largely refers to women’s increased spending power as “successful” consumers who make money for other people, where we first accrue an enormous student debt load and then both mandatory and so-called discretionary expenses increase faster than our incomes making the goal of achieving true financial security elusive at best.  Women are in fact prevented in every case from creating safe, sane and comfortable lives for ourselves, including the financial security to protect ourselves from the very worst of patriarchy and capitalism when things go sideways, whether we have careers, or children, or neither or both.  It really doesn’t appear to matter at all.

I really believed my mother when she told me from a young age that getting married and having kids ruined her life.  I saw how utterly miserable and oppressed she was and we all were, living and dealing with my sadistic, controlling and deeply misogynistic father, and I figured if my truly moronic dad could get through medical school that most anyone could have done it, and that if my mom had put herself through medical school instead of putting him through it that everything would have turned out fine for her.  But I didn’t get married, I didn’t have kids, I put myself through law school and I fully expected that I had risen above my station and that I would be able to take care of myself and control my outcomes into the future.

But that’s not what happened at all.  I started to realize that these negative outcomes were largely preordained for women because of our sex and that there was little to nothing any of us could do about it.  And as much as I hated my father and as much interpersonal violence and misogyny he had thrown at her, the totality of my mother’s experience as an oppressed person was not entirely his fault.  She could’ve and probably would’ve ended up being totally and completely screwed at some point, with no one to help her, even without him and even without us.

To wit, even if my mom had put herself through medical school, what would she have had to go through to do it?  Medical students who do not participate willingly and enthusiastically are coerced into participating in violent sadistic “labs” where they practice vivisection and experiment on live animals to see their response.  A career “practicing medicine” in capitalism and patriarchy essentially means enforcing capitalistic and patriarchal norms on vulnerable sick and injured people and forcing patients to uncritically consume medical goods and services regardless of whether those goods and services actually help or serve the patients’ interests in healing, health or quality of life.

Some 20 years after divorcing my dad, my mom started work as a visiting and hospice nurse and even she started to have serious moral and ethical qualms about her role in medicalized hospice or so-called “end-of-life care” forcing people to consume medical goods and services long after most of them wanted to and perhaps longer than anyone should.  In other words, she was struggling in her career but it had nothing to do with my dad.  She started to question the wisdom, the compassion and the sanity generally of keeping patients with critical and terminal injuries and illnesses alive through increasingly sophisticated technologies only to experience more pain and more complications and more consumption — and these troubles were not my dad’s fault and were not the fault of her new husband either.

And even though she was technically now free to succeed professionally without multiple unwanted minor children to care for, she started to wonder how long she could even do it anymore when she saw patients day in and day out who wished to be let go, who longed for death to release them from unwanted additional pain and suffering but due to her job requirements she was unable to release them or show them how to release themselves and unable to even discuss it with patients or their families except to decline to discuss it at all.  In the end, I suspect that even if my mother’s ambition to become a doctor had not been thwarted by an early coerced marriage and unwanted children, she would have faced these moral and ethical dilemmas early on and that because of it her career as a doctor may have gone nowhere.  As it was, her career as a nurse was becoming increasingly incompatible with her own values and she was feeling (and being) increasingly traumatized from and disaffected by it and she wished she could afford to retire.

In my own case, I had taken note of the patriarchal and misogynistic undertones (and overtones) of my legal education and the legal field generally while in school and was distressed by it.  I once met with a criminal law professor to discuss a case in my textbook which I had found particularly troubling and refreshingly, he acknowledged my concerns and agreed with me.  But considering his long tenure as a criminal defense attorney and later a law professor, clearly that or any case hadn’t troubled his career or his conscience enough for him to quit or caused him to make indignant or disobedient waves that would have gotten him fired or worse.  When I practiced benefits and anti-poverty law and represented the most vulnerable populations in garnering the benefits and entitlements they needed to survive, I mostly felt that I was on the right side — the side of my conscience — but I doubt I would  have been willing or even able to practice patriarchal and misogynistic law for very long had I fully and deeply understood that that’s what it was at the time.  If I had been half as convinced of the evils of capitalism and patriarchy in law school as I am now, including what it does to human and female bodies and minds to be aggressively trained in the capitalistic patriarchal academy, I probably would have been unable to graduate at all.

By contrast, men do not appear to entertain these same moral and ethical quandaries with the capitalistic and patriarchal systems which largely sustain and bolster them so these extreme risks to men’s careers and livelihoods simply do not exist.  This is never talked about but I now believe that women’s morality and empathy generally as well as likely physical limits to taking or giving capitalistic patriarchal abuse is largely what keeps them out of the highest paying and therefore the most capitalistic and patriarchal fields like law and STEM, Big Pharma, Big Ag, Big Tobacco etc.  And that the oppressive intent and effects of the so-called glass ceiling, marriage and the mommy track are probably less causative of women’s relative unsuccess (and social and financial vulnerability) than most anyone is willing to admit.

And while modern girls and women are being told — but never shown — that they are now empowered politically and interpersonally to control their own outcomes and their own lives, the political realities of capitalism and patriarchy remain what they always were: tangible malignant forces in women’s lives which at every stage conspire against our best-laid plans and put us back in our respective lanes en route to poverty and victimization.  Just like patriarchy has done to the last 10,000 years — 500 generations — of our female ancestors, only now including things like industrial accidents, debilitating chronic illness, the enforced consumerism and abject horrors of modern technological medicine and the resulting social and financial fallout.  And where the injuries, disease states, technologies and the fallout are largely or wholly male-made and increasing in both prevalence and malevolence over time.  And no matter what we manage to create, achieve or accumulate despite it all, women’s personal, professional and financial successes can be removed from us at any time due to forces and circumstances wholly or mostly out of our control as oppressed persons with few or no resources or social support by design and little or no political power.  Under these conditions, for any woman to be able to create a reliable safety net to protect herself from capitalistic and patriarchal abuse would be nothing short of a miracle.

In the end, capitalistic and patriarchal educations and careers cannot and will not save women from capitalism and patriarchy and frankly I have no idea why we ever thought it would.  Our only hope is probably to rely on other women who normally lack either the resources or desire (or both) to lift up or support each other.  This is the hopeless station in which women find themselves and there is little to nothing that can or will be done about it.  The ultimate punchline may well be that knowing about any of this, and being able to identify and isolate these destructive forces cannot and will not change these effects or outcomes, rendering women’s educations and careers, as well as feminism, feminist consciousness raising and feminist activating largely pointless and certainly toothless to enact real, material change in women’s stations or women’s lives.  Merely seeing or even attempting to intelligently and prophylactically respond to (dodge) the destructive patriarchal and capitalistic train barreling down on us seems not to be enough to stop it.

This concludes this series in which I describe my early motivation to be “successful” in order to create a safe, sane and comfortable life for myself even when things got tough, how I went about achieving that success, and how elusive it was in end and why.


21 thoughts on “Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part III. The Punchline.

  1. “In the end, capitalistic and patriarchal educations and careers cannot and will not save women from capitalism and patriarchy and frankly I have no idea why we ever thought it would. Our only hope is probably to rely on other women who normally lack either the resources or desire (or both) to lift up or support each other. This is the hopeless station in which women find themselves and there is little to nothing that can or will be done about it.”

    I have been wrestling with this myself but in the reverse order….or perhaps just vacillating between the “options” that are supposedly afforded to us by the system…..I currently find myself running in the direction of saving myself via the education/career track option, despite my mental cringing at the male-bullshit that I am apparently “choosing” to walk further into (tech industry)…..and running away from my hopes and dreams option of building/saving female community, having witnessed the heart-breaking and hopeless depths of misogyny even among the our own “radicals”, I’ve been spooked in the other direction. A direction where I’m not focused on trying to save woman kind, but rather on just saving myself…even for a day, in this moment, trying to approximate something that feels close to freedom.

    “Merely seeing the destructive patriarchal and capitalistic train barreling down on us will never be enough to stop it.”
    I’ve said similar else where, but yes. Information is not enough…in so many ways it isn’t enough.
    Honestly, though…..I don’t think I’ve completely given up on the female community option….I just don’t think it’s likely for most of us…not likely for me……but I do still dream.


  2. Well we do have to make a choice at some point I suppose, assuming any choice is available to us. You probably can’t go wrong trying to save yourself even if it doesn’t end up working out long term. I guess the point is, it really doesn’t seem to matter either way. It also ends up dividing women where “mommies” think they gave up “opportunities” by getting married and having kids. But then women who had “opportunities” and for whom it still didn’t work out might take offense to the implication that it was all her fault and that the mommy could’ve done it so much better. Just like young women look at older women and think the older women got the result they deserved and that the young women will just “do it better” like it’s easy or even possible to get a positive outcome when you are female. I don’t really react when this happens to me because I know better but still.


  3. I do think we have “choices”, but likely not choices. If the system is set up to limit our options so grossly… is the notion of ‘choice’ a useful one? Considering the material and immaterial (psycho-social-emotional) obstructions designed around us (in within us), what is a ‘choice’ but a reflection of those limits place around us or within us? Actually, I’ve had a post in the works touching on this that I should probably just ‘choose’ finish up already 😉 Your ailment sounds like it’s auto-immune related. I have an Aunt that suffers from rheumatoid arthritis that I keep trying to get her to try cannabis. But she’s been letting this Natruopath Dr exploit her for the last 4 years who has convinced her that cannabis would “throw off the energetic balance” of the idea-infused water he has her drinking. He is actively discouraging her from trying something that would probably help her, because obviously his bottom line ($$ and control) is the point…not doing any actual healing or providing health services.

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  4. Yes that’s a helpful way to think about women’s choices, that they are but a reflection of the limitations placed on us by capitalism and patriarchy. When you think about it that way it makes it clear why no matter what we do we end up limited albeit maybe in slightly different ways depending on the limited path we chose. It probably wouldn’t come as a shock to anyone to know that law ends up being extremely limiting for women not the least of which because while American law education is universal and it doesn’t matter which state you study in, eventually you have to pick a state in which to practice and become licensed there. From then on your freedom of movement is severely restricted as it is very difficult and expensive and whatnot to become licensed in additional states if you ever want to move. And this is supposed to free us? No, no it’s not supposed to do that and it was never intended to. In my case being in school was a survival strategy and a job as much as any job I’ve ever had because I needed the loans to pay the rent. I can’t really say I “chose” poorly or made any mistakes along the way even though I ended up where I am now which is destitute and soon to be homeless. Maybe marriage and children is the better option because when you inevitably “fall” at least you still have a home to live in…unless you don’t. Maybe it’s just a matter of choosing your train to nowhere based on the conditions of the train itself rather than the destination. I could never be a “wife” even on my best day, not even for one day could I do that. If someone else can then maybe they should and just hope for the best? What else are we supposed to do but try something? You can’t just do nothing, some capitalistic patriarchal system will have its way with you no matter what even if you just sit there and let the “universe” or whatever choose which one it will be it will still be something even if it’s “just” jail or the hospital. Many women do end up in jails and hospitals. It’s all very depressing isn’t it?

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  5. Yes, there’s no guarantee for any path we choose. And the game is rigged very much against women attaining liberation both individually and collectively. Good fortune keeps some of us safer….which better ensures survival. Safety still isn’t freedom though.

    I can imagine the hopelessness you must feel in your circumstances. I genuinely hope that you find a way to Live, with a capital L. I’m speaking to quality of life in a sense…but actually beyond that too. QOL is still so cold sounding to me. I hope for you to feel JOY, that’s what I’m trying to get at.

    I’ve been communing with my past self, the 12 year old me. She wanted to die. And she did try to die. If you had asked that girl if she wanted to die, she may have said “yes”. But that’s not what she really wanted……she only wanted to die because every waking moment of her life had become about pain avoidance, and she could no longer feel what she truly wanted. She wanted to LIVE. Not to just be a physically alive organism, living for ‘please no pain’ day in and day out. Not to just be a living dead girl, walking through life as a disassociated zombie. She wanted to Live, and she didn’t even know her own wants. Even though she was “choosing” death, what she actually wanted was Life.

    I don’t know why I’m compelled to share this with you. You wrote about your brother’s final choice. And I’m just free associating. I hope that you find support from those that you trust enough to reach out to. And I hope that you find your Life.

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  6. @sinbigger , April 16, 2018 at 4:58 am :

    You speak so eloquently. I felt your 12-year-old self poignantly, so similar to my own. Doors opened in my mind. Now remembering all the ways in which my 12-year-old self sought Life. And hoping that I may yet find it.


  7. Hi sinbigger thank you for your comment. I agree that for females at least, the urge or desire to “die” is really the urge or desire to live (capital L as you define it) but being unable to. Females do not normally seem to covet “death” in a necrophilic way the way boys and men do. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs explains why women are unable to “Live” (even if they are able to somehow “live” which is hard enough) and I think medicine for intractable pain would be at the base level with food, water and shelter. To think about what I have had to endure and what I continue to have to endure to obtain access to A FUCKING PLANT to treat a serious medical condition and otherwise intractable pain I become enraged. Of course, the second level on the hierarchy is “safety” including both physical safety and financial security, things females are deliberately deprived of. So will there ever be “Living” for any female? Will there ever be any for me? I frankly don’t see how, especially once one becomes seriously or chronically ill. Do you?

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  8. First of all thank you for your kind response to my other comments and thank you for understanding why it’s hard for me to talk at length about my illness or the state of the world. I start to write and get almost despondent, because here’s what I’m thinking of- it’s crazy how knowing all of this and seeing it clearly gets us NOWHERE. Like, we’ve cracked the code, but what does it get us?

    Some stray thoughts- artificial sweetener might as well be bleach. I have no idea how people handle it.

    A few years ago I ‘took on’ my disabled dad’s house so he could move to a comfy apt. in a temperate climate. Woods of New England, disrepair, filthy, several rooms wall-to-wall hoarded. After an intense cleaning of the kitchen I propped the door open to air it out. Left the room for a moment and an old man physically WALKED INTO MY HOUSE and called to me. Turns out, he had seen a fallen tree on my property and wondered if I needed help clearing it. He left me with a business card.

    So by now the house is almost ready to sell. I do need to clear away some trees so I find the business card and look the dude up – he’s in jail! He was keeping a woman hostage in his home! He’d been arrested once before for stalking!! Maslows hierarchy of needs- the bottom of my pyramid just says NOT THIS. Lol

    For any of us to live we need property, to Live we need the abolition of property. No, I have no ideas, I’m not holding my breath for either. How many millions of women KNOW what we need and still get NOWHERE? Your idea of “cannabis deficiency” is unique and I’ll be thinking more about it. About your thoughts on natural law- parasites, tumors, kill the host and then start over. Men are the “what” and we have been the “how,” the conduit of their destruction.


  9. Hi Nat. You’re right, cracking the code gets us nowhere. In fact, I am convinced now that intelligence in capitalism and patriarchy is nothing but a liability especially for females. My mind runs constantly trying to “figure out” a solution to my dilemma but there isn’t one — because as you say, to live we need property but to Live we need to abolish the concept of property! That’s exactly it. This is the hamster wheel my mind runs on, before I sold my car I used to go on drives and “think” and wonder why I couldn’t find a solution, I just felt stymied at every turn. And in fact I started to feel hatred for all the property owners as I passed their properties because why the hell do they deserve it and what gives them the right to keep people off “their” land when I am a citizen of this planet too and I need a place to live? Just because (in many cases and in this area) their ancestors probably stole the land and killed the Native Americans living on it, or married off their females to combine smaller plots into larger ones, or probably both, because they come from violent accumulating stock that makes them more worthy than me to live and have comfort? Because my own people apparently are less violent and accumulating and have nothing, that means I do not deserve to live at all? In a way I am proud of my “people” for not being accumulators even though I wish I had a place to live and mentally I was comforted by that for awhile but this survival instinct thing is a real bitch. I am becoming less and less comforted by any of this knowledge the closer I get to being homeless and something inside me wants to live even if it is sustained by patriarchal blood money! What the fuck! If someone offered me a guest house on their land, land that I knew or had reason to know was only accumulated in the first place by killing Native Americans or marrying off women, I would accept their offer! What the fuck! And I would be so grateful to have a guest house to myself when I need quiet and privacy now to deal with my illness.

    At this point, I am so exhausted and traumatized from being sick and being abused by capitalism and patriarchy that I just want to rest, spend time with my cats, work on my little business (or not work at all), even though I have “lost it all” and am sick as hell I am actually happier now than I was when I was practicing law and constantly trying not to “fall” as someone basically pretending and aspiring to be middle class — that is a completely miserable, exhausting existence and it probably (surely) contributed to me being sick. I don’t care that I’m not practicing law anymore, I don’t care that I have bad credit, I don’t care that I haven’t been to the dentist in 8 years even though I need fillings (last time I had fillings I had severe facial pain for 6 months afterwards, I suspect it was my autoimmune disease which at the time was undiagnosed. Lately I figure if it doesn’t hurt NOW it can wait and that I’m not going to be in pain now in order to avoid pain later — what kind of sense does that make?). So now that I’ve fallen I no longer fear falling EXCEPT that there really is no bottom to “falling” in capitalism and patriarchy. The bottom has a basement. It can always get worse and that’s where all of us are always headed unless we actively fight against it. This is natural law working its natural ways with accumulations. Accumulations are naturally predisposed to disappear because accumulation is unnatural. This is where the anarchists are right — if you aren’t physically occupying the land, if you aren’t actually using the object, etc. they DO NOT BELONG TO YOU and should be community property or be given to someone else. That is consistent with natural law. Of course, as soon as they accumulate anything they start building fences. lol. That happened at Slab City, the so-called last free place in America (an anarchist squatter community in the California desert). So again I say, WHAT THE FUCK.


  10. Yep – high intelligence absolutely IS a liability for female humans. It’s exactly like the Matrix – you can see the horrors, but you can’t eliminate them. You wish you could go back to not knowing.

    I’m lucky not to live in the US with the inhuman medical & dental unaffordability. But just because I can access medical care – it doesn’t mean that it does anything for me. There is no cure for CFS or ASD. All I can do is avoid making myself worse by rejecting the debunked exercise theory and not stressing myself out unnecessarily by following the sick social norms (rejecting which are considered a symptom of having ASD!) I GET the social norms plenty. I just don’t respect them because they are male-construted nightmare.

    I’m so, so sorry for your state, FCM. I’m so sorry that I’m unable to help or meet you. I’m younger than you but already feel just as broken. I’ve felt suicidal before but I didn’t want to die. I wanted to escape this dead world and Live – just like you said.


  11. Yes, “affordable medical care” or even free services is just a tool of control like everything else. Acute injury and illness are taken care of, which is good and would do alot to assuage middle class financial angst (fear of losing it all). But when everything is free is there additional pressure to consume additional medical goods and services just because you can? What’s the point when, as you say, the medicine doesn’t work because our diseases are untreatable, incurable and progressive, and where the meds themselves are so highly toxic, and where the providers are Dr. Frankenbutchers who enjoy hurting us, especially sick women? Thanks for mentioning the debunked exercise theory, you are the second woman to mention that recently and I want to look into that bc I am having increasing fatigue these last few months which seems to be a new symptom. I definitely feel pressure to “do stuff” including exercise even though the experience of that is completely different to before when I was relatively healthy (my stamina increased over time whereas now, I just become more and more disabled the more activity I do). Thanks for the solidarity, I appreciate it and I am sure others do too. Thanks for reading.


  12. DO NOT PUSH YOURSELF! I cannot stress this enough! When I tried that for a year – I ended up practically comatose for a month. Check out the research by Professor Marshall-Gradisnik at the Institute of Neuro-Immunology (Griffith Uni). The exercise theory was always bollocks, but she proved it beyond doubt – and the fact that it’s harmful. Drs all around the world still push it (why??).

    Yep: not just incurable, but unTREATABLE. If there was at least something that could relieve my post-exertion malaise and sensory stress – I’d be hooked on it. My Mum had a fascinating theory that ME isn’t actually an illness at all, but a mechanism putting your damaged body in hibernation mode to save it. It’s in the same ballpark as your suggestion that auto-immune illnesses are a mechanism reacting to the toxins our bodies absorb daily.

    Here’s my socialised medicine experience: I go in regularly to see very nice Drs who run very nice tests (which always turn up clear). On paper I look very healthy. They then shake their head and point to the unicorn cases of CFS getting better on its own (always male cases), and send me on my merry way (nicely). What sucks is that a tiny bit of hope pipes up every time…and every time it gets crushed.


  13. Ok, I gave you my best case experience. The worse ones occured before I wisened up and started rejecting the graded exercise blood-letting, anti-depressant and stimulant. Drs and psychs put me through a whole year of ‘positive thinking and pushing yourself’ propaganda last year. Which got me a 3rd uni degree (useless as I can’t work) and made me crash into a cold-feeling bed-ridden state for a month.

    But at least they took the illness seriously. The worst case was a female GP rejecting my insurance claim for disability cause she espoused the exercise theory and knew squat about the new immune research (as they always do). Her being female hurt especially bad because CFS has a 40 y.o. history of being dismissed for being a womans’ disease. She was a handmaid agent of male supremacy.


  14. Refugee, don’t torment yourself over enjoying any patriarchal gains that you want or may be hypothetically thrown your way. It is impossible to be a perfect feminist when women are deprived of everything. It is not wrong to want comforts even in a world where everything is unethically gained. Think of the fact that our female ancestors are not responsible for that bloodshed and thievery.

    I find myself living a double life to maintain sanity (even thought I can’t ever entirely switch my radical mind off)


  15. Yeah well it’s all academic at this point isn’t it lol. No one offered me a place to live, even the woman who moved 1000 miles to be within an hour of me, in order to help me, and then decided to build a tiny house with no room for me and to live there alone. She lives there with her 3 cats and used me to better her own life, while I had one foot in the grave and took the time to host her and show her around. lol. Most women are shit honestly like most people. I honestly think most radicals want other radical women to die, based on how they treat us.


  16. Thanks again for mentioning this “exercise myth” business WRT autoimmune disease. I have never recovered from having to move my household back in July! I never should have moved in the first place, and certainly never should have done it alone with no car, but I had no help and no choice by then. I’ve been very disabled since then. Now I’m wondering if the reason I felt like I was getting worse when I first got here 3 years ago was the exertion of even getting here and then once here, having to do everything completely by myself. I will look into the research you mention, and may even try to write something about it because you’re right, everyone pushes that on us (especially friends and family) but as usual, they have no idea what they are talking about.


  17. I definitely agree about the exercise. I’ve begun to better tell when my immune system is working harder than usual. Lots of things can exhaust me, and these things would seem small to a lot of people. Most of my life I just learned to push through any physical difficulties, though I didn’t see it that way at the time. It was just normal. It was just the way I lived.


  18. I’ve felt guilty about voicing such thoughts myself. Could it be that us deep radicals have rosy glasses about femalekind? That not all of womens’ shittiness towards other women is MAN-enforced? Maybe men just culled all the better ones early on and now we’re stuck with only the worst of the worst? Which means that enlightening them is is hopeless business? All those handmaids take all of the heroically obtained gains won for them by radicals, use them everyday and then spit on the radicals’ graves.

    The exercise bit wasn’t even the most perilous thing they did to me. They also tried to push me into belonging to a man (I escaped the heterocult young and remained a political virgin). The psych manipulated me into thinking that such resistance is part of my “pessimistic thinking” and therefore tied to my fatigue. That was the last straw that turned me into a raging radfem.

    They also gave me a white blood cell -boosting injection in the middle of my chemo treatment which produced a frightening reaction: it completely messed with my eyes and neuro-perception. Weirdest of all – it CHANGED MY EYE COLOUR into FLURO-GREEN (from blue) for a few days. What the hell…?
    I’m gonna chase it down and see what that poison was and whether it could be tied to the ME.


  19. It could definitely be due to selective breeding of females, yes. I don’t know how much of it is “us” at this point but women do seem to have a steely survival instinct as well as the desire to be left the hell alone. Those things are probably one in the same under the current system. But as soon as a woman has the means to do it, women seem to want to be left alone and they will spend whatever resources they have on that and decidedly none on bringing other women with them. Granted, if we ever manage to accumulate anything, we only ever have enough for ourselves and only for a short while. Bringing other women along would put everyone in danger once the resources run out. Compared to what men have, resourced women have chump change. And there are a million ways it can be taken from us before we even have a chance to spend it.

    That is frightening that the drug changed your eye color WTF? Interestingly, I just learned that Accutane is a fucking chemotherapy drug meant for cancer patients but mostly used and marketed as a cure for cystic acne. What the fuck?! So I was on chemo? And it cleared my acne? Now that we know acne is an autoimmune disease, that makes sense: the chemo killed my immune system so my immune system stopped attacking the normal bacteria I had on my skin? IDK. And the ONLY side effect anyone ever told me about was the danger to unborn fetuses if I ever got pregnant while taking it, or within 3 months of stopping. I’m kind of in shock about that ATM. I might write about it if I ever get my energy back.

    I’m very glad that you were able to avoid being owned by a man, no matter how much you were told your mental health depended on it. Holy shit. That one just never seems to get old.


  20. Thanks for your comment Bluejay. I totally get the pushing-through thing. I’ve been thinking about that a lot actually and it just makes me very sad all the pushing through I have had to do and that I just thought it was “normal” too, or at least that I had no choice. The coercion and my own naivete about what was happening (I didn’t know I was sick and I didn’t know I was being coerced) just make me very sad at this point. I thought I at least had a chance but I didn’t did I? How many of us think we at least have a fighting chance? How many of us actually do?


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