Crohn’s Disease is a Terminal Illness. Coming to Terms.

After researching this disease for going on 6 years now, I believe I have come to a rational conclusion about Crohn’s disease which is that it is not a so-called incurable progressive disease but a fatal one: based on all the evidence including anecdotal evidence from patients themselves I now believe that Crohn’s disease is a terminal illness.  I have more or less concluded that before but for some reason I hadn’t yet come to terms with it.  It’s not easy to come to terms with something like that but not because I suffer from what is almost certainly going to cause my untimely death but because everyone, and I mean absolutely everyone is lying their asses off about Crohn’s disease including how “treatable” it is, what kind of quality of life Crohn’s patients can reasonably expect, how predictably disabling it is and why, and how it’s probably going to end.

But before we get to the end it’s important to start at the beginning and admit what Crohn’s disease is at base: Crohn’s patients, including myself, have to medicate in order to eat.  And that is serious, very serious indeed.  If there is anything that is any less compatible with life than a disease that prevents the sick person from eating I can’t think of it.  A disease that prevented the sick person from breathing wouldn’t be any less compatible with life than Crohn’s is, it would just be quicker.

To illustrate, for the last 6 weeks or so I have been extremely fatigued to the point of being bedridden for most of it.  If it weren’t for having to get up to take care of my cats and absolutely bare-minimally tending to my small business I probably wouldn’t have been able to get up at all.  Once I had to move from the bed to the couch for most of the day because my bed had become damp and clammy from having laid in it for too many hours, days and weeks in a row: I flayed the covers off it and hit it with a box fan.  I couldn’t change the sheets because my only other set has been sitting in the hamper for 2 months waiting to be washed and other chronically ill people know exactly what that means: the last good day I had was 2 months ago where I changed the sheets and did half of my laundry.  Since then I haven’t been able to do a good goddamned thing.

Anyway, I’ve been so unbelievably exhausted recently that I’ve been unable to medicate properly.  Instead of changing my cannabis-infused transdermal patches every day or every other day, a few times I let it go for 4 or 5 days and for that I paid a terrible price: on top of the crippling fatigue and general malaise, as well as the continuous, daily pain and symptoms from Crohn’s which are always present to some degree and never go away, I was also so fucking sick from not medicating that I could no longer eat.  I had terrible stomach and intestinal pain including distressing burning, itching, pulling, pressure and boggy sensations as well as gastroparesis, nausea, heartburn, esophageal spasms and unsurprisingly, a profound aversion to food.  Which was good in a way since I was so tired I couldn’t have gotten to the grocery store to buy food anyway even if I had money to buy it or even a way to get to the store which I don’t.  And all of this misery, every bit of it including my poverty are due to the last 6 years spent as a full-blown Crohn’s patient but again, let’s not forget what Crohn’s is at base: it’s not about fatigue, it’s not about pain in a general or even in a specific way.  Although there is plenty of it it’s not about pain.  Crohn’s patients cannot eat.  We can’t eat.

As one might expect, following days, weeks, months and longer without a proper meal Crohn’s patients often become crazed and try to “eat something” — food which is then processed in our bodies exactly like poison.  We get nauseated and sweaty, we wretch, we heave, we shit our fucking brains out, all of which exacerbates our food aversion.  And as Crohn’s is admittedly a lifelong, incurable and progressive disease it goes on forever.  Forever.  Until you die from it.  No, Crohn’s patients do not die natural deaths peacefully in their sleep at an advanced age.  Crohn’s patients don’t sleep, at least not without massive pharmaceutical or other interventions.  When they die, Crohn’s patients die from not eating, or from the effects of their medications, or both.  Or they die on the operating table or by suicide, both because of the Crohn’s.  They don’t have a chance to become old but again, that’s focusing on the end which becomes confusing as to cause.  Here it is helpful to go back to the beginning to what Crohn’s actually is at base: Crohn’s patients cannot eat.  We can’t eat.  And if you can’t eat you die.

All the conventional treatments we take, all the chasing our tails with alternative treatments including medical cannabis that aren’t sustainable anyway, all the resources poured into us (or not) by family and friends, all the money we spend on ourselves to get relief from this hideous disease is because we can’t eat and we are trying to fix that.  Even Crohn’s patients who achieve so-called “clinical remission” using dangerous and life-threatening drugs continue to have issues regardless of what the scopes say, regardless of whether there appears to be any active inflammation or not.  But if the treatment is successful, no matter how sick they still are, even if the medication gives them lupus or diabetes or AIDS or cancer, the “successful” Crohn’s patient will be able to eat.  That’s all we are asking for and it’s all some of us ever get — that’s what the successful ones get.  Although we are still sicker than most people can even imagine, finally, finally we get to eat.

And many Crohn’s patients never achieve clinical remission or have any success or get any relief at all from conventional treatments (i.e. we still can’t eat).  I didn’t.  After 2 entire years on conventional Crohn’s treatments I couldn’t eat a fucking thing.  Out of desperation I spent thousands of dollars on a sickening enteral feed that was supposed to give me all the nutrients I needed but without any fiber or anything to digest — it all went straight to my liver.  But because it had to go through my stomach and small intestine first, otherwise known as eating, all it did was make me sicker.  I was literally starving to death and there was nothing I or my doctors could do about it.  I was absolutely circling the drain.

It took me an entire year on mega-doses of marijuana (approaching 1,000mg THC daily, where 5-10mg is a standard recreational dose and 25-50mg is a standard medical dose) including smoking pot and eating simultaneously — a bite of food, a bong hit, repeat — to be able to tolerate food again.  After I stopped eating GMOs and switched to an exclusively 100% organic diet (including raw fermented organic food and various organic and non-GMO supplements) I didn’t have to smoke during meals anymore, but I still had to medicate daily.  In order to eat.  Of course, marijuana is also an exquisite pain reliever so a goodly portion of my pain and symptoms were also quelled and I felt remarkably better — about 50% better than I had since well before my diagnosis.  I was still extremely sick and I didn’t understand that part but I could eat again, I could sleep again and that was good enough for me.

I thought I would continue to get better though and I didn’t.  Because with Crohn’s the best you can hope for is to be able to eat again and even that’s not expected to last; it’s a progressive disease so you’re doing well if you stay the same and don’t get worse.  For me, because of the pot, I can still eat but I am, in fact, getting progressively worse.  The fatigue is worse, the good days are fewer and farther between but for now, because I can medicate, I can eat.  Of course, I can’t eat dairy, eggs, legumes, or anything in the gourd family (including squash, cucumber and melon) but I can eat.  As long as it’s organic and non-GMO I can eat (unless I can’t).

But what does it mean to be reliant on a consumerist solution — meaning “treatments” of any type including conventional, alternative or herbal including cannabis — in order to be able to eat?  That’s what no one seems willing to say.  From any angle, being dependent on a consumerist solution or any solution in order to eat means that you have an extremely serious and likely terminal disease.  Doesn’t it?  The fact that Crohn’s only gets worse over time underscores that point, where even if you do manage to find a consumerist solution that works, and even if you have easy access to it forever (most people don’t) over time you will find that you’re unable to eat once again.  Crohn’s “progresses” into stricturing or fistulizing late in the game, but early on it progresses from not being able to eat certain things to not being able to eat at all.  That’s the moment you would normally die except for consumerist solutions that only prolong the dying process.  You will face death by starvation again if you live that long where conventional treatments are known to kill you.

And that’s another point isn’t it — the drugs.  How, one may wonder, does Big Medicine justify giving extremely toxic drugs to Crohn’s patients when the drugs themselves cause hideous and disabling iatrogenic illnesses and injuries including lupus, opportunistic infections and cancer?  How can anyone reasonably accept being “infected” with full-blown untreated AIDS via immune system decimating “chemo” cancer drugs which themselves also cause cancer as a treatment for anything, especially something so (allegedly) trivial as Crohn’s disease?  The seriousness of Crohn’s is consistently downplayed by everyone who refuses to accept that it’s a terminal illness if you can’t eat you die, but the fact remains that no matter how sadistic our Big Pharma overlords really are, and it’s a lot, the benefit of the treatment still has to outweigh the risks at least on paper.  And the only way I can imagine that AIDS and cancer are better to have than Crohn’s is that Crohn’s is worse.  More relentlessly painful.  More predictably and profoundly disabling.  More likely to result in imminent death.  And everyone, and I mean everyone is lying about that.

I blame Big Pharma with its fictional Crohn’s drugs commercials that show (for example) a perfectly healthy actor in no distress whatsoever resting one hand on the waistband of his flat-front Dockers suggesting virtually nothing about what Crohn’s disease really entails (it’s not just about having unpredictable “bathroom visits” but it often includes that).  Also, in this culture, “the bathroom” is the final phase of eating.  Duh.  Read between the lines here people.  Eating is not comprised solely of chewing and swallowing (although some Crohn’s patients can’t even do that much).  If you can’t process food you will die and Crohn’s patients cannot process food whether they barf it up, shit it out too soon and too unprocessed, fail to assimilate it even if they can keep it down and/or in, or if they give up and/or can’t “eat” it at all.  I’ve seen Crohn’s patients admit that they often chew up food for the taste/craving satisfaction and then spit it out without swallowing.  That’s not eating y’all.

No one accepts that Crohn’s disease is fatal but now that I’ve seen what I’ve seen, I kind of have to.  I was unable to eat for 2 entire years and I felt like I was dying; I once told a friend that I couldn’t imagine living that way for another 40 years (I was 40 at the time) and I had no idea how right I was about that.  It’s unimaginable in this case because it’s not possible; it is not possible to get out of a fatal disease alive and Crohn’s disease is a fatal disease.  I was, of course, dying.  It took someone like me to figure it out — a professional problem solver and someone used to looking at patriarchal insanity and making perfect sense of it — and even I almost missed it because I was so unbelievably sick and weak, so brainwashed by the propaganda and so insane from the pain and medication I was unable to research much of anything let alone to deeply analyze it.  I spent easily $100,000 and 4 entire years this March getting comfortable/well enough to even attempt to get my head around what was happening to me, to organize my thoughts and to write about it on this blog.  I’ve written about it extensively for almost a year now and I just came to this conclusion a couple of days ago as what seems to me a natural progression of this research, these discussions and this work.  Crohn’s is fatal, I have a terminal disease, and now I get to come to terms with that.

I won’t comment on whether other autoimmune diseases are similarly fatal where patients are also prescribed the same immunity-decimating drugs that cause (essentially) AIDS, diabetes and cancer because I don’t know enough about them, but I think there is plenty that suggests that they are.  Why is letting a doctor give you AIDS better than living with untreated MS, RA and all the other autoimmune diseases that are routinely treated with chemo and biologics that leave the patient without an immune system and who is it better for, seem like questions worth asking.  In the case of Crohn’s, there is at least a chance (allegedly and on paper) that the patient will temporarily be able to eat again; and I think untreated (and treated) MS eventually stops your breathing but I’m not sure.

But why is Crohn’s specifically so downplayed when it is so gravely serious, why are Crohn’s patients specifically expected to continue working and recreating as if nothing is wrong when they are literally fucking dying and have to medicate successfully in order to eat?  Why in this case specifically will no one call a spade a spade and admit that it’s a terminal illness/fatal disease when it pretty obviously is one?  That’s what I’m thinking about now.

Please feel free to leave comments below.


88 thoughts on “Crohn’s Disease is a Terminal Illness. Coming to Terms.

  1. I can’t breathe fully with babesiosis: my lungs wont dilate enough

    At worst it’s momentary suffocation till I yawn
    That split second is most terrifying thing. It’s getting more frequent. Breathing techniques dont help cos they rely on healthy lung dilation. In fact my smell sense is weak cos I can’t pull enough air in

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all, I am so sorry and I am, as usual, in awe of your strength and clear mindedness.

    I think the reason why crohns is downplayed, as opposed to say, cancer, has to do with the agonizingly slow progression. If a cancer patient chooses to forgo treatment and die on her own terms, big pharma loses $$$. But if a crohns patient knows the score from the very beginning, that could mean forgoing years of treatment… BIG $$$, basically. Also, the slow progression (and when I say that, I am thinking about how you say you’ve had symptoms your whole life, and how an honest society would have put the pieces together sooner for you. So I mean ‘slow’ relative to a lifetime, not just since diagnosis) gives them some cover to bullshit. Like, they probably WOULD pretend cancer wasn’t fatal if they possibly could. Hell, maybe they do. I mean, what do people who are “in remission” usually die of… how would we know?

    I have also changed my thinking recently about the nature of my illness. The propaganda about fatal allergies makes it seem like getting struck by lightening- here’s a healthy person living her life, when suddenly she’s STRUCK DOWN. (If not for the trusty epipen, which fixes everything… j/k it also kills you and so do steroids) When in reality I have been sick every single day of my life and had many near death experiences even as a child. So like, it’s at least very LIKELY to kill me, yeah? Every year there are fewer foods I can eat… less environments I can exist in… where does that naturally lead?

    HOLY SHIT. Ok, I interrupted this comment and googled “peanut allergy life expectancy”, keeping in mind peanuts are not my only anaphylactic allergy, just my worst.

    “The life expectancy of a person with peanut allergy is markedly reduced compared to an average American living today, estimated to be only about 40 years. … All the millions of peanut allergy patients deserve access to life-saving immunotherapy.”

    :O I mean I will have to read more, IDK how legit that first result blurb is but FUCK. Also, love the plug for immunotherapy. They admit it kills us when it’ll sell more AIDS.

    Ok, sorry to hijack this comment and make it about me. I genuinely only thought to google that just now… wtf. Makes me wonder what we would/could have done differently, if we had all known sooner. Probably NOT pay into big pharma, if we had any choice.

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  3. Hi kaguyamouse thanks for your comments! I had terrible air hunger too in law school and ended up on inhaled steroids for a bit. They didn’t know what was wrong with me and I never had a diagnosis except that it was possibly an allergy and allergy-induced asthma. That’s interesting that you mention that, and that it’s a neuro problem for you. Air hunger is miserable and terrifying, yes. I will Google that a bit now that you mention it to see if there is some (admitted) correlation between that and Crohn’s or any other AI issue. It is common for AI patients to have more than one AI disease which makes sense as someone has commented here before: we only have one immune system and only one body for it to attack. It does seem to focus on certain types of tissue for most patients, nerves, gut etc. or maybe its just that one manifestation is worse than the others so that’s the only one that matters until it’s dealt with (or forever and the others are ignored or put in the bin of hypochondria/hysteria). Of course it is primarily females who are dealing with all of this. I am so sorry you are sick.

    Nat, thanks for your comment as well. The 40-year life expectancy for peanut allergy sufferers is shocking. And you are totally right of course about everyone acting like it’s healthy people being struck down out of the blue! That is such a fucking lie. I’ve been thinking along those lines recently about strokes and their affect on overall health. My brother had a bunch of strokes after his final surgery and he “recovered” from them enough that he could communicate, do reasonably well in an EMT trade school course and more or less “seemed like” his old self for a year or so until his lungs started filling with fluid, his heart started failing again, then all his organs failed and he died. My friend’s mother recently had a stroke and she is still working through all the mental molasses shit, struggling with words and having kind of a locked-in type of experience where she is still “there” mentally and she is not ill physically that anyone notices, it’s “just” her speech. But is that really true? To make her and my friend feel better I once offered that my brother had a bunch of strokes and he recovered from them fully, meaning that it’s possible that the mother will recover fully too. Of course, within a year of his stroke my brother was dead. Thankfully that didn’t come up in the conversation because it would’ve been a bit ominous and that was not what I was going for in bringing it up! But truthfully, how much and what kind of insult can the brain and body take before it just shuts down and we die? Why do we still say 20 years after his death that my brother recovered fully from his stroke and it was his heart that got him in the end?

    This compartmentalization/dis-membering of people, the mind/body split, all of it is inherently patriarchal when we know natural law (which rules over human and animal bodies) doesn’t operate that way. When my brother died, my dad (a Western medical doctor) was in the process of having him investigated/examined by (allegedly) independent medical examiners to prove that he wasn’t really sick, was capable of working and supporting himself, and that therefore my dad shouldn’t be financially responsible for him anymore including providing him with healthcare and health insurance. To this day my dad believes (or lies about believing) that my brother wasn’t sick, he just happened to drop dead at 21 for reasons that had nothing to do with being disabled or ill or unable to support himself due to his congenital heart defect which was supposed to kill him as an infant. Nope, all of that, including that we all knew since the day he was born that he would predecease us, was completely separate from the thing that ended up killing him (he wasn’t sick, he just went from completely healthy to dead for no reason and with no disabled-phase). “Struck down” exactly like you say. It is so unbelievably cruel and against natural law (ie. reality, the reality of how things really work on this planet) and this is what Western medical doctors believe. It’s therefore the evil they visit on sick and dying people and their families. It makes me so sad, and so angry, and so terrified.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Nat, the autistic life expectancy is 40 too. It’s definitely AI or neuro-immune, yet everyone is hyper focused on tip of iceberg social stuff. So either way, all of us here ain’t gonna make it to babushka age. Lucky for us, eh? Considering what state old women are resigned to now that the rulers are benevolent to not burn us at the stake before then.

    On cancer: chemo that killed my cancer has the side effects of…causing other cancers. So my 96% cure rate refers ONLY to my specific cancer. Clever fine print.

    On tick diseases: my hippie GP noted how it’s weird that bite infections have become so vicious and antibiotic resistant now, when getting bitten by insects and having cats has been a fact of life for all of us for millenia (cats carry Bartonelliosis). The 1st case of babesiosis was noted in cattle in the nuclear age. Antibiotic overusage have caused infections to mutate into ultra strong strands. It’s extra weird that womyn are the ones most affected when our immune systems are better.

    Noone even bloody suggested any aids for air hunger for me, when I’ve been harping on about it to an ARMY of medics for 12 years!! Everyone dismissed it as anxiety.

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  5. Nat: I spent my whole childhood with frequent near death illness as well. Other kids would catch a bug, get a few sniffles and coupla days of bedrest,
    …..I was in bed or hospital for months on end every time, burning up with fever that could only be brought down with infection and all body cold compresses, getting close to pheumonia and bronchitis, had no sense of hunger and excruciating stomach ache. I remember my early childhood from horizontal POV. Bed-ridden illness was my Normal.

    Mind you – all this started with school age with all precautions taken: shots, not eating at canteen, keeping warm, handwashing. So I was catching normal bugs from other children, but my immune system was hopeless to fight them off.

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  6. I’m thinking that the lie that Crohn’s and various other fatal diseases are manageable is to avoid people killing themselves, for one thing. And avoiding “stress” and public panic seems to be public policy and even medical policy like the case with nuclear accidents including Fukushima where the truth is so hideous that just knowing about it would tend to kill you. Medical/nuclear experts like Dr. Helen Caldicott come out and lie to everyone because “stress kills”. No one gives a shit (obvs) about those of us who’ve figured out the truth or can sense that something is wrong and the “stress” to us about being lied to and gaslighted about what we know. Another example of medical public policy that doesn’t serve us as individuals is regarding vaccines, which are only supposed to be about 60% effective or something. The whole point of vaccines is NOT to avoid disease for any individual person because it’s nearly 50/50 whether it will help you or not and whether you will still get the disease anyway despite being vaccinated against it. The point is from the perspective of health care service providers and we need to understand what this means: when there is an outbreak of whatever illness, because of the vaccines, the patient load on services (meaning, people showing up at the hospital at the same time) will be 60% of what it would’ve been without everyone getting vaccinated. We are just massive numbers of cattle to them, we need to understand that. None of this is for us, it’s all for them and not putting too much strain on services. There are millions living with AI diseases, what if we were all told they are fatal?

    And a lot of this is designed for people to liquidate their assets before they die, that is absolutely the truth. To take whatever personal wealth the patient has as well as their entire family for generations, and their friends too, anyone who is willing to “help” only gets their money sucked out of their personal/family coffers and into the “economy” and into Big Pharma’s hands. But from a social control perspective I think the most important thing is that WE don’t have it anymore. WE are not allowed to accumulate and this is one way that happens. WE and our entire line of peons/worker bees go from having some tiny bit of power to having nothing like we are supposed to. That’s a huge motivation to lie to everyone about how “treatable” these things are. Would anyone bankrupt themselves trying to treat a fatal disease? Maybe, but everyone will if everyone thinks it’s possible or likely that the sick person will recover and they will be productive again. That’s exactly what happened to me. If anyone were being honest about Crohn’s we all would’ve known that once I was able to eat again, I needed to stop spending my money and get into some kind of sustainable situation before every last dime was gone. That was the best I was ever going to get but I didn’t realize it until it was too late. Of course, I would’ve needed help moving and whatnot and I had no one to help me so for me it might not have changed anything anyway.

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  7. Autistic fortynothing here, will write/comment more later on the whole sadomasochistic mindfuck of The Suffering Industry’s denial (more popularly known as the “Health” “Care” industry, and the rituals about which CRE is 100% spot on). But I had to say, calling these AIDS-causing, immune-decimating drugs “biologics” is an epic reversal on the level of calling being impaled by dick “making love”.

    There are so many parallels between “health care” and “sex”…The most obvious being that the aim is to profit from female suffering (and not just financially, although I definitely agree with Nat that this is a big part of it) while penetrating and experimenting upon female bodies that have been gaslit, abused, and made ill from girlhood (or, if she’s lucky, puberty).I

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  8. Oh, and so true CRE about asset liquidation. My grandfather ‘s assets disappeared just this way, leaving our family nothing. Even at 92 they were pushing ridiculous experimental treatments on him, threatening his pain relief if he didn’t comply (of course, in today’s bullshit “opioid epidemic” they don’t even need the bullshit accusation to yank your script, they just do so automatically). He also feared death, so he didn’t need much convincing.

    I think our society denies us the choice of painless ways out, forbids us from accessing hard-core pain relief, pushes the “cancer/Crohns/M S “Warrior” ideology that makes the dead seem like “losers”, and criminalizes suicide in order to encourage the Stockholm Syndrome doctor patient “relationship” (and it’s attendant loss of assets and lack of control over one’s own pain, body, or continued existence). The idea of death being “the worst thing that can happen to a person” is so entrenched in this society that turning down chemo for cancer is seen by most as evidence of “mental illness” rather than a self-loving choice.

    This world only makes sense from the standpoint of “the goal is to maximize profit and sexay female suffering”. I.e., we are in purgatory, if not hell. If death is the only escape, wouldn’t it make sense that those in power would try to prevent this “out” any way they knew how, including trying to motivate the do-gooder types into thinking shit like anti-suicide squads and mental health “awareness” initiatives, as well as pretending that Crohn’s isn’t fatal, baby-making is the best thing ever for females, and ensuring that doctor-assisted suicide (and now even dispensing pain-relieving, calming opiates, benzodiazepines, and barbituates) is a crime, etc?

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Hi Antinatalist, thank you for your comments! I am mentally working through a post on using cancer-chemo drugs (including so-called biologics) for Crohn’s and the EPIC reversal of calling these drugs “biologics” is absolutely included in my criticism. What the fuck. I am just beside myself that when AIDS was a male epidemic it was at least taken seriously, meaning, they considered AIDS to be a life-threatening condition (still do, not so with HIV anymore but full blown AIDS is still considered to be what it is — predictably and fully disabling, and not compatible with life). Now they give it to Crohn’s (and other) patients not just to make them “feel better” which it often doesn’t, but so they can be “healthy” enough go back to work! What the fuck! When women (the majority of AI patients) have AIDS it’s not disabling at all, it’s fully compatible with life, it makes us MORE productive, LESS ill, MORE compliant/socially acceptable. I don’t even know what else to say about it except that. Which is why I haven’t bothered writing it all down yet. And yes, I think many times a day that we are living in hell, literal actual hell if all of this is occurring AND IT IS. And there is nothing we can do about it, esp (as you note) if they won’t let us die. How can people watch horror movies set in hospitals and psych wards without recognizing that it’s not fiction? It’s not fiction, and it’s much, much worse than anything they could ever capture on film. Is it just that it primarily affects women? Is that why no one fucking cares, including women themselves? I am still creating content for this project because I think it’s good content and needs to be spoken out loud and a place made for it, but if anyone cares about this besides me and a tiny handful of commenters you would never know about it. I can’t even tell if people are reading judging by the interactions I get, so I appreciate your comments (and all comments) very much. Is this a worthwhile project or isn’t it? What the fuck man. I don’t think anyone even cares, even women, and even sick women. Of course, I also know those who are seriously ill don’t have the energy to interact OR to think about these things deeply. So there’s that. Holding a place for this shit is a pretty frustrating project.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Excellent article! very thorough. I saved the pdf as given by the link at the beginning of the article. The pdf is well done, showing all the diagrams clearly.


  11. Thanks for reading Mary. I’m glad you found the link helpful. Nothing like a kooky conspiracy theory completely vindicated by peer review ay? Ffs. My last comment was meta but I am looking forward to hearing Antinatalist finish her thoughts. I will respond more later.

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  12. Hi Cannabis Refugee, thank you so much for all your writing about all these “thought crimes” that no one is allowed to think or say. You have explained so much to me that I only half understood before and said some things that I had never thought of before because anyone actually talking about the truth has become so taboo. You explain everything so clearly. I came across your blogs a little over a year ago and have been reading through all of them roughly chronologically and ended up here. I didn’t know if you were still writing or even alive until I found my way here. I think I am pretty much caught up at this point and have read at least 90 percent of all your writing. I am eternally grateful that you have the courage and intellect to put this all together (especially now that you are so sick) in this fucked up world where everything is lies upon lies and those who see through the lies are branded insane. So much of the things you have said, I’ve never heard anywhere else, yet they are so obvious and hiding in plain sight once you hear them explained out.

    I wish I could help with getting you what you need to survive, but I have nothing to give to anyone either. I think a huge part of the torture inflicted on us is that we are powerless to help other women we care about. The feeling of not being able to help as our friends suffer from all kinds of shit that men do to them throughout our lives creates such a deep feeling of powerlessness. Our friends get raped and have all kinds of other horrible shit happen and tell us about the things that were done to them and it traumatizes us too from knowing about all these horrible experiences and knowing we can’t do anything to help them. Then most people can’t handle trauma well and it makes them disassociate. So then you get large amounts of women convinced that everything is fine and normal and all this violence and horrors are just part of totally normal everyday life and can’t do anything about it because they are made mentally ill from the continuing traumas. Everything is based around being a “survivor” of the shit men do to us rather than saying “why the fuck do we keep letting this happen??”

    I’ve been extremely sick and hurt for years now, not as sick as you are but way more than people can imagine who have not been through chronic pain and illness for years. Just like you have said, the things wrong with me are the least of the problems. If I lived in a society where I was treated decently and had a medical system that gave real help without abuse and trauma and constant huge money drains, if I wasn’t terrified that I was going to get raped because I’m too physically weak to defend myself, If I wasn’t continually stressed about strange men following me insulting me and acting generally creepy, If earning money wasn’t nearly impossible when you are already horribly sick and everything hurts to a level you never knew possibly… well then being sick and hurt wouldn’t be anywhere near the hellish nightmare it is. If I was embraced by a society that loved and cared for me instead of actively torturing me, I’d be OK with being sick and hurt and actually might be fairly healthy at this point anyway because the things wrong with me might have gotten better with care instead of constant trauma and terrorizing.

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  13. anotherwomaninhell, thank you for reading and for your comment. I am sincerely happy to know that my work has been meaningful to you. And as a writer there is no higher praise than to hear that my work is clear and rings true. To be fair though, I did do a LOT of reading at the same time as I was writing and while I did a lot of the heavy lifting myself, a lot was done by the women who came before. I had a lot to synthesize and build on and I was able to take it further rather than just saying the same things over and over. I’ve been disappointed again and again that most people seem unable or unwilling to do that. It pains me greatly in fact. And my compulsion to do what no one else is (or can) is exhausting. Sometimes I feel like it’s worth it, and getting good comments and hearing that my work has been helpful makes it seem worth it for a minute. So thanks for that.

    I agree that part of the torture for women is being unable to help other women (and others) that we care about. My mom essentially told me that many years ago (that she was tortured by the fact that she was unable to help her children while my father had all the money in the world and was dead set on keeping it all for himself). To add to that, I think that in the case of mothers especially, that particular torture eventually transforms mothers from mere victims into wishing that their children were dead already so that the continuing, bottomless torture of being a mother under capitalism and patriarchy finally, mercifully ends. Judging by the way my own mother has treated me since I became ill, she legit wants me dead. The way things are going, she is going to get her wish. Judging by the experiences of other women and other sick people this seems to be a common occurrence. I just wrote a post about that. See what you think.

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  14. The things that you didn’t come up with, you were still able to organize and present to us in a way that wouldn’t have been accessible to us otherwise. I actually never heard of radical feminism until I reached “peak trans” and started researching to see what the hell all this was really about. Even though I had been studying feminism for years, this stuff is hidden from us. It’s like finding something hidden and underground. After many years learning about human societies and human behavior (I’ve studied all the social sciences), I’ve never learned anything so disturbing until I learned about the reality of what trans is and what it means to the big picture. I started reading more and more and everything started becoming clearer. I came across Sheila Jeffries’ Beauty and Misogyny from a link on an article about trans”women” and it totally changed my perception in an instant. It’s obvious to anyone who looks around them that we are hated, but so much of the torture has been made so mundane we can’t even see it.

    I remember looking at a picture on a screensaver of a couple. The woman was completely made up to an extreme, while the guy just looked like he rolled out of bed and that was it, yet they were both supposed to be the ideal of “sexy.” I knew there was something I couldn’t see, beyond just women are supposed to be ‘decorative.’ I couldn’t see how much hate and sadism was behind it all though until I read that book. Reading that lead me to read Andrea Dworkin too and to start searching more and more on the internet to help me learn things deeper. I came across your blogs and it is amazing how much you have put together in presenting things that other women have figured out and adding your own ideas.

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  15. Yes, organizing, synthesis and making connections seem to be my forte. I have no idea why I’m able to do that so naturally and so many people aren’t but it drives me crazy lol. It makes perfect sense to me. I mean, I get why paid writers wouldn’t make the connections because it would tend to wreck their careers, but unpaid writers, activists and others are failing to make the connections too and they aren’t getting any direct payout for their ignorance so ?? I suppose if you want to make friends, making the difficult (yet obvious) connections isn’t so great either. I do think some people just aren’t able to do it, and that’s fine, but the disingenuousness and lying about everything really pisses me off. It’s funny that so many women are being channeled into radical feminism by the transgender agenda/politics. I’m glad you moved past that though to read other things because a lot of women get stuck there and frankly I have to wonder if that isn’t half the point. Actually reading Jeffreys and Dworkin were really important for me too, even tho I realized that they didn’t go far enough either. But so much is said about them, and so few people have actually read their work, a lot gets lost. Actually reading and engaging with the original written work is so important IMO. But everyone is so satisfied with the derivative stuff when they could go to the source. And then they take it as gospel instead of living (and sadly, often grotesquely compromised) work that can be improved on. So much of this drives me up a wall. So, I write what I wish I could read, I guess. It takes a toll but it is my contribution and I believe there is a place for it. Thank you for reading and thank you for your support.

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  16. ❤ ❤ Thank you, to the two of you, for being here on the planet with me. Female intelligence is so delightful! ❤ ❤


  17. Mary, female intelligence is the only thing that has kept me sane! It’s hard to think clearly when everything around you is so nonsensical. Listening to other women work things out means so much.

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  18. CR, I reckon that this connecting work (I call it being a detective) is an ASD female superpower. I get a chemical high when I spin, spin and then > BANG: here it is!=the source!

    MY wacky theory on WHY we can do this is:
    The conformist function in our heads is shut down, which preserves the original not-domesticated womens’ smarts.

    I too have had a compulsion to do taboo non-conformist things since childhood: I poured wine down the sink in an alcoholic country;
    I rolled my eyes and humphed at the pain-in the ass attention hog male during a seminar. Recently it culminated in breaking up with my mother. In fact, my ASD diagnosis letter describes this, but in a malestream spin:
    it says that “I don’t follow norms that don’t meet my expectations + don’t find this a social deficiency”

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  19. With me it wasn’t peak-trans cos I never bought into it. It was peak-cultural relativism (we all know which “culture”) + pornified fascism.

    Dworkin did go far enough in her final moments. That famous kitchen knife speech really says:
    “Stop reforming, pick up your knives | .and GET THESE INHUMAN BASTARDS”; “Stop projecting your humanity on them”

    It was glorious to hear. She arrived at the place in which Solanas was at 30 years prior.

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  20. I love the idea that we are undomesticated females. ❤ To be clear, I don't have the energy or inclination to be a contrarian for its own sake. But if things don't make sense I'm going to say something about it and try to make sense of it. People really do not like that at all. Some people think they like it until you point out something that they don't want pointed out, or until you make sense of something when they actually preferred it confusing. How do you like me now? lmao.

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  21. CR, what do you reckon motherhood would be like outside of dude-world? Would it even exist as a concept? Would girl-raising be communal? Would we leave them to raise themselves, like most animals do past a brief period of feeding them & teaching some skills? Maybe an elephant model? I’m sure that there shall be a lot of touch, which I’ve been desperately deprived of since age 8. Touch deprivation is another one of our torture chamber tactics.

    I ask because I badly tried to fix my abusive mother’s relationship with me. I tried everything from appeasement to familial disobedience to truth-telling about her hurts. And I miss the Jekyl portion of her, damn it. IS it my Stockholm talking? Do I miss HER or the idea OF a ma, I wonder? Is it the same with my sis and lost female friends? Is loneliness our punishment for defying the nuclear model? because right now I feel like my heart’s been ripped out of me for the 2nd time in my existence (it’s mostly my furbaby I miss). I crave some semblance of a home dammit.

    Crikey, I have tried SO hard to make and keep female relationships (& craved touch in them). I feed even of brief instances of quality female interaction. yeah} the bonds carry us through ] but separation from them hurts more than anything. Right now I hear a dog barking and weeping from it cos I want mine here with me :-(((


  22. For those not in the know: mother dear has kicked me out and now doing a very noble, mature thing:
    ..Holding my belongings, meds & canine lovely hostage. That is: she promises that she’ll bring her around to visit, but I ain’t buying it. She won’t do it to in order to punish me for exposing her toxicity to me publicly. This a pet custody battle { we’re in a stalemate.


  23. MY other crime is resisting becoming a mens’ screw hole which she raised me to be…by using the very capable grey matter SHE endowed me with via prolonged breast-feeding


  24. Hi kaguyamouse, I’m so sorry that is happening to you! I hope you can get your dog back! I remember when Mama and Chili had just come to live with me, Chili was still nursing and the two of them had the most gorgeous relationship and it was really interesting and beautiful for me to see. A mother-child relationship that existed (mostly) outside of patriarchy. When Mama had decided she’d had enough breastfeeding she would just kick Chili in the head from then on when she tried to latch on. Chili got the idea eventually altho I felt like I had to step in a couple of times bc poor Chili was really getting a beating and she was still so small. I got them when Chili was 8 weeks and I picked Mama up a week later, with them telling me that she was done with nursing and all 5 of her babies weaned. Not exactly. Anyway, I think motherhood would not exist without patriarchy or at least it would be unrecognizable to us. The way it is now I legit think mothers want us dead and it makes sense. That kind of intensive, long term caretaking is not natural and it does make you want the dependent dead. The same thing happens when you take intensive, long term care of a sick or disabled person. When the sick person dies the caretakers often feel immense relief and the relief is very shocking and people feel ashamed of and deny it, but this is apparently very common. I learned that in bereavement support after my brother died for whatever that’s worth, who knows. But I did feel relieved when he died and it wasn’t bc I didn’t love him or was glad he died or anything like that, I was happy to do it while it was happening but I think I didn’t realize how much it was taking out of me or in retrospect, how completely unnatural it was to perform that type and degree of caretaking which in his case would not have been required or even possible but for the Western medicine that refused to let a terminally ill infant die at birth like he was supposed to. None of this is natural and it’s all killing us if we are honest. I think it’s a similar situation with patriarchal motherhood and is compounded if the child is unnaturally ill (ie. being kept alive unnaturally via Western medical interventions that create intensive, long term caretaking “projects” that do not exist in nature and did not exist at all until very, very recently in our human history, being unheard of until the last couple of decades in fact). I think mothers wanting us dead is a pretty natural response, but the way this plays out under the current system is unnaturally cruel and terrifying for the ones who are abandoned. I really, really know what you are going through and I am so sorry.

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  25. kaguya mouse, I never bought into trans stuff either. I just didn’t think much about it until it was suddenly everywhere and the focus of everything. At first when Bruce Jenner and some other rich dudes got surgery to look like women, I just thought rich people do crazy stuff, who cares? Some lady got surgery to look like Cleopatra too. When trans rights became a thing people were talking about I assumed there was a lot of overlap with people who are intersex, because a lot of intersex people have been randomly ‘assigned’ a sex based on a doctor’s guess.

    So I had imagined a lot of intersex people grown up after living some of their their lives as this sex assigned to them then saying the doctor was wrong. But after reading about it I found a nightmare, I saw how the trans activists use the intersex people to put their creepy fetishes on the public and how this is being done to little kids and all the crazy shit that women are dealing with now because of it…. Then all that lead me into radical feminism and really understanding on a deep level what feminine and masculine actually mean.


  26. Kaguyamouse, I’m sorry about your mom fighting with you and keeping your dog away from you. That is so awful! My animals have helped me through so much. I hope your mom is able to make peace with you and at least give your dog back.


  27. I am very confused about what autism really is. So, the typical case of autism is a boy who is social awkward to an extreme and detailed oriented to an extreme to the point where they can’t understand normal emotions and behavior and can’t deal with anything not strictly regimented… But for women it’s something entirely different? There’s articles like this with checklists for female autistic people>
    <and it's like reading your horoscope. There's enough different stuff to apply to almost anyone. There's certainly plenty that apply to me. Most of them just seem like personality traits though.

    And so much of it has to do with 'thinking too much" and being creative and a loner and wanting to be comfortable and away from noxious noises, smells, etc… And soo many people are saying they're autistic now. Is any woman who thinks about things deeply or feels overly irritated by the toxicity of modern life and dealing with men and men's world just being lumped in here as having a condition? Like instead of being unable to deal with crappy situations because they are so crappy, it's actually you have a condition in your brain?

    And the young women who say they have autism will say stuff that implies they think it's easy for other people to control their emotions and facial expressions, like they don't understand that other people often put a lot of work in how they act too. It seems like it could be a way to keep girls vulnerable, by telling them they can't control their emotions and expressions and therefore making them easy pickings for predators who can see when they are in distress easily, rather than telling them it's harder for some people to control their behavior than others and helping them learn how to. I've had to learn how to keep a blank face in public while dealing with immense pain because predatory men instantly target a lone woman in obvious pain. It's not easy and it took years of practice to keep my vulnerability hidden. If someone was told they can't do that, they will probably believe it and not try.

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  28. I agree that this culture has become rather ASD-happy. I don’t plan to pursue a diagnosis and I only assume it probably applies to me bc ASD is so commonly comorbid with Crohn’s, without that I probably wouldn’t think about it too much. There are other things of course, like being unable to tolerate tags in my clothing and never turning the radio on in the car that I’ve always experienced but you are right that there is a LOT of diagnosing and even self-diagnosing going on. What’s that all about is a question worth asking. Honestly it could be as common as it seems if it’s a response to environmental pollution and genetic defects like AI is. Or, AI and ASD could be the same thing. Being constantly in physical pain/irritation from inflammation would tend to render about anyone “unable to communicate” (read: act normal) as Nat has mentioned and I think that is an excellent point. Or it could be Western medicine putting its grubby hands where it doesn’t belong and inventing illness as well as including too many people in the ASD group as you suggest. Young people today are all so weird and young culture seems very “tolerant” of everyone being their own brand of special snowflake from Rx meds for everything under the sun to weird compulsions, aversions, interests and quirks, which tolerances did not exist when I was young, none of us were allowed to be special from what I recall. It’s really very strange and I do wonder what the fuck is really going on.

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  29. I often wonder if we are actually in some sort of hell dimension. Most people are lulled to a dream like state where they just mindlessly accept any torture and anyone who “wakes up” to reality in any way is an outcast and considered insane. Is death some kind of escape from this? Or do we just come right back here, in a possibly worse situation? I think just about anything is possible and we don’t really know anything.

    The more I learn about biology and about human cultures and history, the more I have to wonder is there something demonic in males? How can so many men do such sick shit? They rape kids, fuck corpses, eat shit, go way beyond anything we could even come up with… The list of the horrors goes on and on. I read something the other day about men’s secret societies and one of the things that stuck out to me was that they were saying how the men in one of the societies said they were summoning demons into themselves. Are they really doing that? The horrors of what men do together when they put their sickest desires to work is just so unimaginable.

    It’s obviously biological too, to some large degree, as many male animals are rapey fuckers too. The male predation on females is so downplayed and ignored in all of the official stuff they teach us, for animals and humans. But there are so many animals where the males are nothing but pure hell for females. Why would such creatures evolve to prey on their own species? It’s all so bizarre. But then there are species where the males are peaceful. Human men are all over the place, from the most deranged to a least a couple sweet ones. It makes it even more confusing that some males are not predatory or aggressive at all when so many are.

    The more I know, the less I understand. The only real conclusion I can come to from looking at the world is antinatalism. I can’t imagine how anyone can look around them and think having a kid is a good idea. The horrors are not even hidden at this point and are extremely in your face. Even teenage boys are flipping out and murdering their classmates en masse at this point. Why send a kid out into a world where they’re just going to get raped and shot up? I don’t get it. I want to live very much since I am here already and there is so much I do love about life, but the thought of creating life is the absolute worst thing I can think of.

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  30. LOL you made me laugh about the unable to tolerate tags on clothing thing. The first thing I do when I get new clothes is cut off every single tag. A lot of the things you talk about that you experience that would be diagnosed autistic are things that I do or feel. I also am having a horrible time adjusting to waking up at “normal” people times and want to be up at night so badly. Why don’t you turn on the radio though? Annoying radio commercials and announcers? Or just the radio bothers you overall? The commercials and announcers get to me quickly and I have to change it right away.

    It does seem like the explosion of autistic people goes hand in hand with the chronic pain. I would say with emotional pain too, not just the physical ailments. People are so sad and alone in this world, how is anyone expected to ask normal? What even is normal? People treating you like crap? We are supposed to just take everything with a smile.

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  31. Yes, young people are so weird now. I already feel like an old lady. I guess we were in the very beginning stages of all the tolerance when I was really young and it was nothing like today. It’s certainly been interesting growing up along with the internet and watching such strange things happen.

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  32. I hate the commercials and announcements for sure. When satellite radio first became a thing I spent several hundred $ on a receiver and subscription and I did use that quite a bit as I was in the car all day going to hearings. And I listened to my Ipod on public transportation. But mostly it is just very natural for me to be quiet and alone with my thoughts. I don’t even think about the radio when I get into the car and I don’t listen to music at home either. I just really prefer the quiet, but as you say when it’s all toxic malestream crap and misogyny anyway what woman would want to listen to it? Of course plenty of them do.

    I have thought many times that we might be in a hell dimension and it scares the shit out of me honestly. I so, so, so hope that’s not the case. I hope so much that when we die we are just dead and that the only reason this place is so hellish is because of men, not because that’s how the universe or whatever really operates. Men think that there are prostituted women servicing them in heaven, which means that men’s heaven is literally women’s hell and our worst nightmare. So “hell dimension” could just be a metaphor for maleness and I hope that’s all it is. The alternative is terrifying beyond words.

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  33. “Men think that there are prostituted women servicing them in heaven, which means that men’s heaven is literally women’s hell and our worst nightmare.” I’ve never heard it phrased like that, but so true. This male idea of heaven is women never being able to escape the most horrible form of male control as being a prostituted woman with like 70 women to each dude to control.

    Music has gotten so bad to an extreme now. I asked Alexa to play rock music so I would get a random mix of what’s popular and every song was about “bitches and hoes.” After skipping a couple songs it made me so sad and I don’t ask for random songs anymore unless I’m asking for instrumental music. It was not anywhere near as bad just from when I was a teenager. Though thinking about the videos, they were pretty pornographic and had little teen girls. I have a hard time enjoying anything that’s from the mainstream entertainment industry at this point knowing about all the abuse of women and children going on.

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  34. Read Trust Your Perception and Cherryblossomlife’s archived pdf: “are men aware of their condition “.It’s all about the Y-chromosome Baby. Once you do read those 2 blogs: I guarantee that you will have an intellectual orgasm. Suddenly EVERYTHING about maleness will click into place.

    The amazing thing is that both Solanas & Daly knew this stuff BEFORE the Y palindrome was sequenced. Basically – males of all species are some kinda genetic error. But ours are walking death because their chromosome is taking its final breath. Pity it’s such a long one that our whole Earth will die before they’re finally gone.

    CR, the reason that I think you’re autistic is many things; but mainly -your writing. Your voice & reasoning + the urge to dig down to the center of the Earth to get the whole truth sound exactly like me, every other ASD radical I met online (a bizarrely high concentration), Temple Grandin in her “bluntness” ( she said that autistics shouldn’t breed not to perpetuate it and produce severely ASD kids from 2 aspie parents_.

    “It makes it even more confusing that some males are not predatory or aggressive at all when so many are.”
    They don’t all have to be nasty – they get a certain % to do the dirty work so that the rest benefit. The ‘nice ones’ are benevolent tyrants & more than likely watch revenge porn when you’re not looking. THey are passive oppressors } they do NOTHING to bring down the system.

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  35. “It does seem like the explosion of autistic people goes hand in hand with the chronic pain.”

    There is irrefutable evidence now that ASD is in fact – a Physical Systemic illness, but no one will admit it out loud cause then it’s another untreatable disease caused by the toxic environment. The social stuff is so, so minor in the scheme of things. I spend hours and hours everyday in excruciating suffering that’s worse than pain honestly# ~from noise sensitivity. I spend the rest of my time trying to avoid that pain. That’s precisely how this mother feud happened: I was quietly crying after her refusing to shut a door to keep noise out. ) So she cornered me and screamed like a Banshee saying she’ll Mental Health (for me not her!oh the reversal). She kept hollering until I grabbed a phone & called cops. It was the only other thing to do save for smashing my head against the wall to end noise torture & assault.

    Surprise – surprise: in quiet environments with low artificial light, when I’ve had time to recover from daily dose of noise hell, > i’m actually rather social & humorous with the right people.

    Young people are actually more conformist now than ever. The weirdness layer is rice paper thin. Actual non-conformist weirdness^ as well as logic & concern for girls + women are not tolerated.

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  36. Yes that’s true kaguya, only certain types of superficial and medicalized “weirdness” are allowed. It’s fine to be a tranny, or OCD or afraid of holes and whatnot but being a radical or free thinker is as verboten as it ever was, maybe even more if that’s even possible. Interesting that ASD is known to be both physical and systemic. Do you have a link to that and the debunked exercise theory for CFS? I can search all day for something interesting/real on these conditions and never come up with anything. I just found the medically futile care as ritual link by accident. 😦

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  37. CR, society being ASD-happy is a lie they tell us to stop treating it like the actual physical chronic ailment is + its’ source. It’s not even remotely tolerant of women not toeing the femininity line in any shape or form + male violence underpins our supposes social normalcy compared to aspie men. THey can do whatever the hell they like COS IT”S THEIR WORLD! Autistic girls are being transed for their difficult or non-performance of Woman.

    Awkwardness as concept is something men invented cause they’re anti-social as a group. They need a giant set of rules, laws, hierarchies & uniforms to be able to tell how to relate to anyone. I have never met an awkward woman – only shy, nervous and introverted (first 2 being male supremacy-caused)


  38. this is the kind of music that i can listen to all day long. I get musical orgasms 😉 from a concentrated dose of GOOD music. 90s pop was kinda gentle, so no wonder this dude wrote it (he was a 90s prodigy).

    Notably: Agnetha spent 3 decades hiding – to recover from the stress of a decade of being objectified in her ABBA days & marriage + natalism. Her voice is angelic & her sweet energy _ even better. They were the pop band to end all pop bands< not only in the quality of the music, but the female synergy of it. Big bands are normally so nauseatingly masculine.

    CR, I'll come up with links in a bit. I spent 3 years researching this stuff and really should;ve kept an archive. the truthful stuff is indeed hard to find. ASD traits are actually simply introverted traits X amplified. Eye contact criteria is illogical cos:

    1)Womyn were trained not to look men in the eye until 20th century <
    as that would indicate insubordination.
    2) Many cultures never changed from that.
    3)We're mens' captives So DUH: we dont wanna look at their faces closely. It's a sign of TSD

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  39. I never have trouble reading facial expressions of actors on a screen OR look into their eyes. In fact – i see more nuances in them than most viewers. Cos I’m removed from them & therefore not in sensory pain or fear!!!!!

    If were actually socially deficient > where the hell would our perception about human relations come from? I enjoy people-watching a lot because being removed from them leads to seeing them objectively…when you possess natural social intelligence ,,as all women do


  40. Hi Nat, it’s good to see you. Whatever you do, do NOT Google “afraid of holes” if you think you are in any way afraid of or react with revulsion to holes. lol. It’s really pretty gross. I’m not afraid of holes but I def react with revulsion to the images associated with this condition. I should probably seek immediate invasive medical attention (or, you know, stop looking at photoshopped pictures of holes on the internet).

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  41. Dear CRE
    I am another woman who used to read your writing on your previous blog, and it had a profound effect on me. Your refusal of thought terminating cliches etc created a space that didn’t exist anywhere else and I thank you.
    I have been lurking here for a long time, partly because I am not in a position to sit down at a computer and formulate a comment, and I keep wanting to wait until I am not simply typing on my phone. but I wanted to jump in on the autistic thing. I share anotherwomaninhell’s misgivings. This is a conversation I have been wanting to have for a long time and nobody is having it, so I couldn’t resist. How does it make sense for autism, a *clinical* diagnosis (ie made only on its symptoms, not on diagnostic laboratory values) to have vastly different symptoms in males and females? If the symptoms are so different we should really be talking about two different diagnoses then. Psychiatry argues that it’s due to ‘female socialisation’ that they have such different presentations – but this is never defined. And gendered socialisation doesn’t seem to affect other diagnoses/presentations, only autism. It’s weird to me that the symptoms of autism in girls, if seen in boys wouldn’t actually be considered autistic? There seems to be a new trend towards diagnosing autism in women and girls *by different diagnostic criteria* than that applied to boys and men. I don’t think we should just accept this as accurate. Especially given psychiatry’s history of pathologizing female despair. It seems to me that the current diagnostic trends around autism in women serve to pathologize women who struggle to perform feminity for whatever reason.

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  42. In the interests of full disclosure I also experience a lot of things that could fit the autism criteria, though I think having some symptoms but still being able to function socially probably means I have ‘autistic traits/tendencies’ rather than I am actually ASD…


  43. Hi Dissenta, thank you for reading and for your comments! The only thing I find compelling about ASD for anyone is that I now know from personal experience that it is very difficult to “communicate” IOW act normal when you are in chronic pain. It would not surprise me at all if ASD was actually something real and on the rise if it is due to inflammation and related to environmental toxins. There is evidence that ASD is often comorbid with Crohn’s and kaguya left a link showing that inflammatory markers are present in ASD. I’m obviously not advocating anyone go out and get yet another diagnosis or seek treatment for anything including ASD esp when both inflammation and chronic pain are Western medicine’s Achille’s heel and the “treatments” for immunity related disorders are so insane, brutal and toxic. And yes, women in particular are going to be victimized by that system whenever they present. I’m not really interested in the gender conversation anymore since we all know that already. But like, I really really tried being “normal” for years and I literally couldn’t do it. Why not? I kind of think all my energy was going to dealing with inflammation and chronic pain. I had cystic acne for 25 years before I got my Crohn’s diagnosis and cystic acne is not cosmetic no matter what anyone says, it’s horrible chronic physical pain and chronic infection and inflammation, and that’s only what I was aware of because I could see it. Some people can’t “behave” even when they want to because they are in pain, we know this. We can probably have this conversation here without fear that anyone is advocating for Western medical interventions for women for various excellent reasons. I know I’m not.

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  44. The only reason I cling to my ASD legitimating paper = cos the disabled support system won’t recognise my Lyme or the CFS stemming from it. I wouldn’t have bothered getting diagnosed otherwise.
    I have specifically Bartonelliosis, which, wait for it………..causes brain inflammation and therefore AUTISTIC SYMPTOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, without this infection I’d never make it over diagnostic line.

    The girl/boy divide in HFA is like a mirror on society, isnt’ it? Boys not adhering to social norms in a world catering to +designed for them over 50,000 years _is indeed an indication that there’s something VERY wrong with them. Whereas girls not adhering to patriarchal insanity is actually a sign of NORMALCY! Why would we naturally be in line with our parasitical enclosure where we’ve been captives for countless generations?!? (read Sin Bigger)

    I saw a fascinating interview with Celine Dion after her spouse|molester gave up the ghost. She was clearly grieving badly (and perhaps reacting to end of captivity since early teens when she met|was groomed by him). So she behaved……in a heavily autistic manner!: she missed social cues, warbled incomprehensively, gave a bizarre performance. Yet in another one { after she had gone through the stages of grief – she was totally normal

    So yes, CR – you’re right that acute distress (including emotional) causes that type of behaviour OR the desire to behave that way when you’re too repressed to give yourself license to do it. I’m the latter case \ in that I OVERperformed femininity for most of my life to compensate for my innate non-conformity. Most HFA girls actually pass as normals while screaming intenally & burning themselves out. Cause you know what happens when we act out gently? —-what happened to me with my loss of home & carer.

    Now the real hooey of a ‘diagnosis’ is HSP. Apparently suffering from inhuman urban conditions in a world of 7.7 billion (specially noise) is a disorder attributed to 1/5! No, those people aren’t ‘sensitive’. They’re exactly like animals in a zoo taken into an alien to them habitat, where they’re expected to keep behaving & breeding as normal when their environment is torturous. This bears out historically too [cities were already intolerable in Middle AGes]. What did our precious phallocrats do about it? They built MOAR and BIGGER cities!!!!

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  45. I read a fascinating book on Sleep, which said that 10% of populace are owls and here goes again the correlation with autism. I feel amazing at night – Always have. My senses wake up and I feel at one with my body. I sued to get through the day with the night coming up like a light at end of tunnel. When i get my own home ~ I will go back to owlism pronto.

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  46. And Yes to free-thinking and feeling females having been always pathologised. 3/4 of the woke womyn and true female individuals I’ve met>>have consistently been HFA or gay. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if CR is correct in her {out of the box} theory of ASD serving as a protective mechanism against this nightmare. Then ASD women are the proverbial rats trying to escape a sinking ship
    * Yet there is no escape.

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  47. My mother threw my autism at me everytime I resisted & analysed a malestream ‘norm’ too [i was only diagnosed 1 year back]. SO it absolutely IS ammunition against insubordinate girls.

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  48. Rigid thinking! Haha! Because we all *must* be extremely flexible at all times in order to constantly adapt to men’s escalating insanity and violence. Being *flexible* is super important. And mainstream patriarchal thinking isn’t rigid at all.

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  49. Yay I made someone join in the conversation with my comment 🙂

    I never heard of being scared of holes until it was on American Horror Story and they made me kind of afraid of holes.


  50. Hey not to step on any toes here but the content and tone of this thread has kind of veered away from it’s original intent- which was a woman coming to terms with her untimely death and the way that society has lied and used her. I know my comments weren’t entirely on topic either, but maybe this isn’t the time for new people to be jumping in without even mentioning the topic at hand? Maybe it’s not the time for “yay”-ing? I don’t mean to be a bitch, just keep in mind there is an actual gravely ill person (and seriously ill commenters) behind the blog.

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  51. Yeah this thread did veer off course a lot. I think we’re pretty much all very ill here though and looking at the possibility of untimely deaths and coming to terms with being lied to and used. It breaks my heart to hear about so many people sick and used by this terrible system but it makes me glad reading this blog that at least someone is talking about it and there is a place where the truth is actually being admitted because I don’t really see that anywhere else.

    I hope CR knows how many people her writing has affected and how many people are better able to go on mentally because of what she has written. I had to comment when she said she wasn’t sure if anyone was really paying attention to what she was writing because her writing has had such meaning to me, so it makes me glad to have other people saying that they are paying attention too and this stuff she is writing is important. We’re probably going to all die early painful deaths from all the poisoning and torture but at least she got to influence and help a lot of people and is doing so even now while horribly sick. So I think that is very meaningful.


  52. I’m thinking about what I want to say about this. I think “meaningful” means a different thing to me than it does to other people for one thing. I’m not sure it’s a good thing that my work lets women go on about their business “mentally” as if nothing is wrong, if that’s what you are saying. When I wonder aloud if this project is meaningful, I’m not talking about my prior work, and I’m also not trying to make MORE work for myself by modding more comments that add nothing to the discussion and that includes hero-worship type stuff that the internet seems to do to people. And I sure as hell don’t need to spend my time talking about GENDER, Jesus fucking Christ. I suppose the proof TO ME whether my work is meaningful is that people SHOW comprehension by adding to the discussion. Spinning and spiraling in other words. Also, are other AI patients reading this stuff, agreeing with it, and then just going back in for their chemo infusions and shit? How is that meaningful to anyone? This is a legit struggle with all radfem writing projects from what I can tell because there is so little any of us can do about any of it. And yet here I am on the fucking razor’s edge, resisting these horrific outcomes with my last couple of breaths, and I have people telling me thanks for what I’ve done for everyone else while so few have done anything at all for me, and I’m just talking about offering meaningful interaction. But also, is anyone else resisting any of this? I’m fucking sick to death of being the only one who seems to have a problem with any of this, and making it more comfortable for women to IGNORE all of this is really not what I’m going for at all. That’s all I have to say about it for now. Nat is right of course that this post in particular was very personal and profound and some of the comments did not reflect an actual comprehension of what was said here. I will think about this more.

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  53. What I’m saying is, I’m not sure I’m comfortable in my apparent role as hand-holder and soother while everyone walks through hell. It’s certainly not what I ever intended. Is that role even helpful? If anyone thinks that is helpful, do they ever wonder who is holding my hand? Answer: my 11 or whatever patrons and like 3 people who comment thoughtfully on my blog. And I still give way more than I take IMO. How TF do people let this happen is what I want to know.

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  54. CR, I understand you are looking for some meaningful interaction on your posts. It is hard to figure out what that should be though, it’s very difficult to talk about all this stuff and other people don’t talk about anything real so I don’t have anything to go by. I think people empathize with your pain and struggle and want to reach out in whatever little way they can to try to add to what you are coming up with to show you that these writings which you talk about as your life’s work really are important, that your life has meaning and you have something to be proud of. That is how I feel. When you were saying you didn’t think anyone is listening, it made me feel even worse than reading through the rest of your blog because I feel like my life has been so useless and it hurts worse than being sick, it hurts worse than everything. I haven’t gotten to do anything to help anyone yet after spending so much time trying to get educated for the future that may never come now. I’ve accepted that I will likely continue to live the rest of my life in crippling pain and most likely die young because it seems to be progressively getting worse and worse and every time I work to get something better to some degree there’s some new horrible thing happening to my body right after. It’s even more horribly painful that I am struggling so hard to even help myself that I can’t help anyone and I see so many people around me sick and in need of help, my mom, so many of my friends (even though I don’t see anyone anymore I see on social media that so many are sick), my friends that have kids have a bunch of sick kids too. There is so much I want to do to make things better but I don’t know if I will be able to do anything or if I will just get sicker. I wish I could hold everyone’s hand through this and make meaningful changes that help people.

    You have helped me to resist some of the torture. I can relate to so much of what you said and described with your suffering. I am so sorry for everything you are going through because I truly understand what such intense long term physical pain does to someone and it is hell. The times where you were in so much pain you wanted to go to the hospital so much but resisted because they would just torture you, I’ve been through all that too and never heard anyone else talk about it. I lost about 30 pounds in 3 months because of my digestive system being unable to function, at the worst point I was laying in a ball screaming in pain as my abdomen bulged out horribly and I couldn’t digest food, couldn’t poop right, feeling my heartbeat as if I just ran a marathon while my digestive system struggled desperately. I wanted to go to the hospital so badly to feel like I was doing something, even though I knew it would just bankrupt me and leave me the same or worse. I don’t know how anyone lets any of this happen, but I don’t know what to do about it either. I’m not ignoring what is going on, but I’m stuck between feeling helpless and endlessly trying to figure out what can possibly be done about anything and coming up with a blank. It has helped keep me going and trying to do something better to hear people speak the truth and affirm that I’m not crazy and this is actually as horrible as what I see, because no one else sees how horrible this is and I feel so alone while other people I see are just popping pills and calling themselves MS, cancer, or whatever warriors and acting like the medical system is helping us instead of making them sicker for their compliance, while I’m treated like I’m crazy for being scared and distrustful of all of it. I want to change something, anything, desperately.


  55. BTW I know I’m reading way more relevance/accuracy into these Chris Rock vids than what he probably intended (?) but this is some funny, accurate shit. The euthanasia vid had me rolling bc its EXACTLY what I am dealing with as someone who is not suicidal but is seeking euthanasia anyway bc there is no way for me to maintain my pain levels if I can’t control my circumstances (and yeah Western medicine is useless, worse than that actually, that’s a given). I theoretically *could* still live and even be somewhat “productive” for a bit longer but the current system being what it is, being beaten to death while tied to a chair is better than what I have coming for me. I would actually welcome it knowing what’s down this Crohn’s road. The euthanasia conversation is a fucking lie if these things aren’t addressed and they aren’t. Forget chronic pain, that’s easily dealt with using marijuana but that’s not really what this conversation is about at all. Maybe Chris Rock is against euthanasia and maybe he’s not but he’s not wrong if that’s what he sees when he looks at it. He is right that it’s absurd altho personally I don’t find it funny and I don’t think humor is the right approach. But he’s in it for the money and attention/validation and I’m not so.

    Thank you anotherwoman for your substantive response. I will think more on it but these are my thoughts for now. First, I’ve never had anyone showing me how to do this work or to have these conversations either, but the difference is that I did it anyway. There is probably a level of “ability” that plays some part in that but I don’t know how much. Next, I still don’t think most people understand what this project really is, even tho I have stated it pretty explicitly. This blog is a voice from the fucking grave. Do people grok that? Because it’s pretty important and central to the entire point. This is my story in my own words, the corpse speaking when everyone is standing there wondering “what happened to her?” I am telling them. I have given everyone I know (and “know” online) the opportunity to understand what is happening to me and to try to help while they still can, instead of wondering later what in the world could’ve happened and whether or not they could’ve done something to stop or delay or change it. I have given everyone the chance to help and NO ONE will be able to wonder WTF happened or say “if only she had asked for help” or “if only we had known.” That is fucking bullshit and I will not allow people to get away with that shit. This happens to women all the damn time and it will not happen to me. The things I am writing about here happen to women every fucking day and people stand around with their thumbs up their butts regretting and pondering and its complete bullshit gaslighting and I will not stand for that shit. Those are my thoughts for now.

    I will add that I have not been *this* direct before because I knew how it would sound and I was right: that those who contribute at all would feel that their contributions are downplayed, and that I am taking my lack of support out on those who are actually supporting me the most. I have gotten confused emails twice today telling me exactly that and I am sorry that it came across exactly as I knew it would (and exactly as I did not intend). The giving more than I’m taking is ON THE WHOLE and does not reflect the generosity of or my gratitude to individuals. PLEASE try to understand what I am saying here. That’s all I have for now.

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  56. And to be clear, the answer to the question “could anyone have done anything to stop this?” may well be NO. I am not fishing for more Patreons rn, not unless anyone can afford it and wants to. These are tough realities that no one seems willing to face. That no matter how much anyone cares about you (or uses you to soothe themselves) they literally don’t have 5 extra dollars or even 5 minutes of their time and attention to throw your way. Or, if they do have $5 they would rather soothe themselves with a fucking Starbucks or whatever than to help a(nother) woman survive. This is the shit we are up against and I think feminists just either don’t get it or don’t want to believe it. That seems to be the case tho, same with middle class and wannabe middle class assholes too altho I know many feminists are hardly (or just barely) middle class. This writing is for my family and complete strangers too, not just feminists. It’s really, really bad out here in case people are in any way unaware. What’s with all the standing around pondering what happened when a woman dies in situations like this? God the dishonesty.

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  57. I’m sorry I say the wrong things, I just don’t know what to say to really talk about such horrible things. I haven’t had anyone say that many great things to me to help me deal with my sickness and I don’t know what to say either. I just wanted to tell you that your work has helped me a lot. It has had meaning to me and I’ve seen many other people commenting how much your writing helped them process their lives and what they see around them too. I haven’t commented on here before because I didn’t know what to say and have no way to make anything better, so I figured I should just listen, but when you questioned whether anyone was even reading and paying attention I felt like I had to tell you that people are listening to you. I am badly in debt myself and struggling to figure out how to earn enough money to do anything while feeling half dead and in constant pain; all I have to give you right now, for anything it’s worth, is to thank you for writing everything you have written and tell you that your writing is important to me.

    You have helped me deal with my horrible bodily issues going on and seeing so many of my family and friends in their 30s already having all kinds of things wrong: cancer, MS, digestive problems, etc. and so many of their kids are already sick and have autism and allergies and all kinds of things. It seems like about every third person is horribly, painfully, and likely fatally ill. I don’t know what is wrong with me exactly, but it all fits the AI definition. I have horrible inflammation, constant pain, frequent injuries that take years to heal, constant neck pain. My digestive system is very screwed up, I lost a terrifying amount of weight in a couple months because I couldn’t eat right and I couldn’t poop enough and was in the most excruciating pain. It has been hurting to some degree since and feels worse again lately. My teeth have a bunch of issues too and I can’t breathe through my nose. Basically, problems and pain all over.

    Everyone else sick is a “warrior,” with a diagnosis and medical plan and all these things, taking their prescribed medicine and probably making themselves sicker. Some are even nurses. Then they just party and forget about everything and go on thinking about how they are a warrior fighting some disease they just happened to get. No one wonders why all the young people are all so sick or why we should submit to a medical system that often just kills us faster or why we should be drained of all our money trying to access care. The medical system has taken everything I’ve been able to get, to take care of myself and my animals, and done a terrible job. I was already so terrified of the medical industry by how they have treated me and didn’t believe they could help with the overall problem with me. They can fix only things that they can see to fit together, like a broken tooth or misaligned spine. They can’t do anything for the digestive issues or the overall problems, and probably nothing can stop it, and it will get worse because I know the reason we are all sick is from all the poison we are exposed to. People of course reacted to me saying that doctors can’t help everything, like I was crazy.

    You helped explain a lot to me to process all this, so thank you. I won’t be getting any diagnosis and submitting to any kind of grotesque medical interventions. I am eating food with as little chemicals as possible and trying to figure out anything helpful I can away from the medical torture. Whatever I die from, it’s not going to be agreeing to insane medical “care.” You are right too that we can’t just quietly accept all this, and we need to be saying it to anyone who will listen. It’s better to not say something well than to be silent about horrible things and I need to just start talking about all of it to the people I know, I don’t want to waste away and watch so many of the people I know waste away without telling everyone what is happening to me and happening to us all.

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  58. Feel free to hop over to my place {} to keep commiserating on being crook millenials 🙂 It’s time we left CR in peace away from our whining


  59. Thank you for offering to host a discussion on your blog kaguya. Everyone, look. I never asked for empathy or for anyone to try to make me feel better about being sick. All I wanted was comprehension and perhaps to be given something to think about in return for my own offerings: my ideas and observations, and connections. This blog is “personal” to me but it is also political, an exploration of ideas and concepts. That is the level on which I would like to engage with other things sprinkled in (perhaps) if it is relevant and happens naturally. I honestly do not know what’s so difficult about that but this seems like a lot to expect for some reason. And please be clear, I NEVER suggested that people forego medical treatment if there is something available that works, and I never suggested anyone not get an actual real diagnosis, especially if they really feel like they are disabled or even fatally ill. I have an actual real diagnosis and it is extremely serious, and my illness is notoriously unresponsive to conventional care. The decisions I’ve made for myself were based on my own circumstances of having essentially a terminal disease. I feel fortunate that I was able to get a diagnosis and I have made decisions based on that, but in the end no one takes it seriously anyway even tho my diagnosis is one of the absolute WORST diagnoses imaginable so I’m not sure how important it really is to have that patriarchal stamp of approval at all. But I do have one. I hope people are considering the similarities as well as the differences in our circumstances if they are making decisions partly based on what is said here. I gave Western medicine a shot, I was medicated for 2 entire years before I literally fled for my life. If they had ANYTHING in their arsenal that would’ve worked for me I would’ve tried it. I would’ve done chemo if my doctors hadn’t fired me once I was approved for Medicaid. That is all part of the Crohn’s experience BTW and the bureaucratic garbage looms large. I have written about all of this but as usual, I can’t tell from the responses I’m getting whether people are actually HEARING what I am saying. Hearing and listening are not the same thing. I also never suggested that people scream all of this from the rooftops (altho this is being attributed to me too). I am writing anonymously here. I have ONE IRL friend and ONE relative who know about this blog, both of which probably don’t even read it. They are not getting this message in real time altho it is right there if they ever wanted to. My family will see this after I’m dead and probably not before. I don’t think I would ever suggest that sick people start saying crazy things to people they depend on in real life. And I hope any decision to do that is not made lightly.

    Basically, I am kind of speechless at the responses I’m getting here. It’s like we are not even speaking the same language when the message that’s relayed back to me as “mine” is not what I intended to put out at all. IDK what to even make of any of this except that as usual, these writing projects are extremely fraught and ultimately pretty useless, even when they are “read” by people who may well be “listening” but may or may not hear what was actually said and/or intended including the spirit in which it was intended: as food for serious thought and discussion.

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  60. Like, this blog is about medicalized torture, basically. It’s also literally about the meaning of life itself and how that is defined and enforced under the current system. It’s about how you can do everything “right” and it doesn’t matter because of what men have done to our bodies and our environment. It’s about a vast and complex conspiracy in many ways. It’s about billion dollar propaganda campaigns and social engineering and lies. It’s also kind of a snuff film (or something). Doesn’t anyone have anything to say about that? Is there nothing here that’s interesting enough to think or talk about?

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  61. That’s just off the top of my head. There are probably other things, maybe (well, surely) even thing I haven’t considered. IDK. I know that if I had the opportunity to engage with material like this I would.


  62. Again, I’m sorry I upset you, that certainly wasn’t my intention. I won’t comment here again. Like I said I just thought by your comments you were hoping more people would respond to you and you didn’t think people were actually reading. I’ve been made sick from all the poisons and abused by the medical system already and am having to deal with myself and so many of the people I know horribly suffering from all this. So your blog has given me some peace in a way because few other people are saying anything real about all this and it is all gas lighting making everyone even crazier than the pain and sickness already is. I decided before I knew you existed not to bother with getting some diagnosis, because the way they wanted to diagnose me was to give me drugs and see what happens! I got tests done after I couldn’t eat right for months that didn’t determine anything and they referred me to a specialist. If I went to the specialist they said they would be giving me different drugs and see which ones work and look at my digestive tract with a camera. Not look first and then give the drugs, they wanted to give drugs immediately regardless of what the invasive tests said. I really don’t believe they would have gotten any results from it and it was so expensive that they told me I needed to get insurance before I came in since I didn’t have any. I didn’t have any money for any of it since my career was even more of a nonstarter than yours. I got horribly ill trying to finish school.

    I’ve had to pay for a series of medical care that I actually did need, that were straightforward and obvious and have taken so much of my money, time, and energy. Some of the routine procedures were done so badly they would qualify as literal torture, with no exaggeration, that I am still traumatized from. I still have a bunch of things that need treatment. But as I keep having more and more problems it’s been looking for a while like an autoimmune problem underlies everything. I am very poor and struggling to find work that I can do in so much pain and having such a variety of problems. So I would have to figure out some way to get massive amounts of credit and go much deeper in debt to be able to afford to get some kind of tests done at this point to figure out anything. And that’s in addition to all the obvious things I need done. And from everyone’s stories anywhere I’ve read everywhere , not just here, with any autoimmune problems it doesn’t seem worth the massive amounts of money, time, and energy at all. I don’t expect they would ever tell me anything and just automatically give drugs. People either end up filling their bodies with poisonous chemicals from the doctors or, like you, have determined that that’s just killing them faster and work with their diet and natural medicines the best they can. I’ve come to the same conclusion that you have said on here that doctors don’t know what they are doing with chronic pain or autoimmune and will most likely make things worse. So I am not going to bankrupt myself and devote everything to get some useless diagnosis so I can be told I am crazy for not wanting to get pumped full of drugs.

    I gave up trying to talk to anyone about what’s wrong with me since my own mother thinks it’s all in my head and said I should see a therapist. You don’t show your family this blog, but you are telling them you are very sick and how much you are struggling and what is happening to you. I gave up trying to explain anything to anyone after feeling like no one is listening anyway and feeling like I didn’t know how to even talk about all these things. But you said no one taught you how to talk about any of this, you just do it. I was saying you are right about that. I don’t bother even talking to any of my family anymore because I don’t feel like anyone really cares to hear what I’ve been through and everyone is oblivious to everything. People think I’m crazy or lazy or whatever anyway and I am pretty crazy at this point after years of pain, dealing with trying to pay for treatment after treatment for constant new things popping up and continually feeling like crap while also being treated like crap by various doctors.

    So many people I know and care about are getting diagnosed with terminal illnesses and getting themselves pumped full of dangerous drugs. I don’t know if any of them are effective but I sure as hell know they’re not questioning any of it. They are doing exactly what the doctors says and taking it as gospel. There is constantly someone getting infusions of deadly chemicals and posting their happy pictures about how it hurts, but doctors orders. And then even though they’re terminally ill, they have kids! So they can pass along the suffering. I’m about to see my family and the friends I grew up with dropping dead in a few years already. It’s like we’re already in our 60s. So when my family asks how I am I’m going to stop saying fine, out of hurt and defeat that no one will care or just say I am imagining all this crap, and tell them exactly how I am doing. And while “shouting everything from the rooftops” about how many extremely sick people there are now and what our medical system is doing and the mass poisonings going on is not going to get anywhere, putting some questions out there to people about what is going on might, and even if it doesn’t it’s worth saying. Just like everything you are saying here is worth saying and worth thinking about. So that is all I meant by anything.

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  63. I just wanted to add that I know you didn’t say anything about talking to people in real life about illness and the medical system as a whole, you were only talking about making sure your family knows how sick you are. I was agreeing with you that my family also needs to hear how sick I am too and how badly I am struggling and that’s up to them what they want to do with that information. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know how to talk about it or feel comfortable talking about any of it, it just needs to be said. I just globbed on the rest myself about talking about all this sickness in general and posing some questions about what is really happening, why more and more people are becoming terminally ill, and whether these treatments are helping, because I didn’t get this sick in a vacuum and I didn’t become horribly traumatized from the medical system by myself and I’m certainly not the only one struggling to get the basic care I know I need and wondering how much they can actually even help with. This problem is so much bigger than any one of us and I can’t talk about myself without questioning how I’ve gotten here and how many people are here with me in the same situation, sick and broke and struggling to get through the basics of life, with no hope of getting actual real care. No matter how horrible and painful this is to talk about it’s hurting me worse to just say nothing. I hope your family wakes up and starts to understand something and gives you some help that you need.

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  64. Honestly I’m starting to think “it doesn’t matter either way” pretty much applies to everything in this hellhole. My family knows how sick I am and they don’t care. I have a diagnosis and it doesn’t even matter, there is no treatment for it and even tho it’s easily one of if not THE worst diagnoses imaginable, certainly worse than cancer, it’s not taken seriously BY ANYONE. I didn’t even take it seriously until it kicked my entire ass for 6 years, wrecked my life and left me destitute and I’m still sick. So if nothing matters then I suppose we should all just do whatever we want, and that’s the conversation I had with my brother when he was dying actually. For him and myself, we were beyond avoiding consequences, we just had to pick something we could live with, even if we ended up dying in the end. It sounds like you’ve considered your situation and options thoroughly and have decided what you want to do, and what you can live with (and importantly, what you can’t). I am truly sorry you are so sick and I hope you can figure something out and can live with your decision. It’s not as if we have a choice.

    For my part, in many ways I am just OVER having everyone know what I want and need and refusing to give it to me, or pretending it’s all a big mystery so they can keep withholding without feeling guilt, shame or anything about it. My family knows what I want and need, and so do my readers especially if they have read my prior work. They know I want and need substantive comments that keep the conversation going, to make connections, and to replenish what has been consumed. Even when things are offered freely, it is not sustainable unless it is replenished, we know this. And yet, I have people consuming my work and not giving anything back. Welp, here we are again and once again it’s just not sustainable and once again no one cares. Instead, I hear, you shouldn’t have asked for comments, you should’ve let it happen naturally, now it’s weird! Well, I’ve created content for this project for almost an entire year waiting for it to happen naturally and it never did. I am starting to think that humans are just parasitic by nature and not just men. Whereas I don’t even take nutrition from food ffs. I just do not understand the “taking” mentality/physicality or whatever the hell it is that makes “humans” parasitically consume/drain and destroy what they say they love and want and need. But it’s happening to me and to my work again. I just wrote another post based on that Chris Rock clip and will see what happens, but I do anticipate closing comments permanently on this blog shortly. I may or may not continue to write. I would like to thank those few who have contributed substantively to this project and who have also given towards my general wellbeing, I truly appreciate your efforts and I apologize for how I know this looks: that I’m ungrateful, and catching you up in a wide net of disaffection and grief. I am sorry for that but I am sure you must understand on some level or you wouldn’t be supporting me in the first place. It’s very difficult to keep anything alive/above water in this shithole and I thank you so much for doing what you can to help.

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