Our Mothers Want Us Dead. Another Antinatalist Post.

I have spoken at length with other women who, throughout their lives, have been abused, neglected, torn/worn down, palmed off and otherwise unsupported by their mothers to the point that the only logical outcome of this treatment would be our untimely deaths, either from the abuse/neglect itself, from the completely predictable male violence and neglect we are subjected to when we choose heterosexual relations/relationships for survival, or via suicide.  The obvious fact that motherhood is the end result of misogyny, specifically female reproductive abuse including unwanted or “survival” sex and rape, makes this non-attachment to children foreseeable and ordinary and insures that it will never be discussed as if it were either.

I have written here before about what “family” means to me, and from where I’ve always stood, family appears to be the source of overwhelming grief, torture, humiliation, powerlessness and pain including medicalized torture, humiliation and pain if you were “privileged” enough to be born to Western medical professionals like I was.  (Of course, the tools of any trade and any patriarchal conditioning can and will be used by parents to torture children, especially girls.)  Family, if we are honest, is the source and location of almost all of girls’ and women’s suffering including being subjected to abusive male “sex” practices that only lead to one place for female-bodied people: pregnancy and motherhood.  Motherhood is a biological function exactly as romantic as shitting if we are honest about it and children are treated like shit for exactly that reason including grown “children” who were never part of the families they were born into in any human sense.  More like a shit-on-the-bottom-of-your-shoe sense.  Oops.  For more forward-thinking (or adaptable) folk perhaps in a compost-sense: a useful object that better prove to be useful or else.

A goodly portion of us were not wanted by our mothers and common sense bears that out; most of us know how difficult it is to have consequence-free recreational intercourse (or rape) and we activate against pregnancy for decades and not just because of the “timing” although for some that may be part of it.  For anyone who is still unsure, the ways our mothers often treat us make it clear that we were unwanted by her, or at least that we are unwanted now.  Although I shouldn’t be I am taken aback every time I see chronically ill people commenting in groups and on message boards how they are treated almost universally poorly by their own families — including by their own mothers — now that they are sick.  The last time I spoke with my own mother she blamed and dismissed me for being sick and told me I should move to a bigger city “because they have nicer homeless shelters there.”

Why I should be homeless when my mother and my entire family all own their own homes (well, the bank owns them) was not addressed, nor was the fact that my mother only “owns” her home in the first place because she was treated generously (albeit begrudgingly) when she divorced a man who could well afford it.  The fact that she is currently sheltered has nothing to do with her own responsibility, good choices or inherent worth even though she pretends, or may even believe, that it does.  But I digress.

Of course, homeless shelters do not allow marijuana, medical or otherwise, and as a seriously ill Crohn’s patient I have to medicate in order to eat.  With her words and actions, my mother was clearly telling me not just that that she doesn’t care if I die, but that she actually activates towards it.  Her wasting my time, energy and health (aka. “spoons“) with this fruitless and mind-fucking discussion only made me more vulnerable to that outcome than I was before I asked her for help and indeed my health crashed for fully 6 months afterwards.  I don’t think I’ve ever recovered if I’m honest.  Would anyone be likely to recover after hearing those words from their own mother?  Would they?

My mother is more brutally honest than most but even if she hadn’t (basically) said it her actions would’ve conveyed the same thing: she wasn’t just ambivalent about my continued survival on this planet, she actively wanted me dead.  And from an antinatalist and radical feminist perspective, I get it.  She brought life into this hell-dimension, otherwise known as late (end) stage capitalism and patriarchy, and her only way out of the abject horror of lifelong moral and natural maternal responsibility under those oppressive conditions is if one or both of us dies.  My mother has had at least one suicide attempt that I know of and she’s still here, and her second marriage has come close to killing her but so far hasn’t so now her only realistic escape from the hell of (capitalistic patriarchal) motherhood is if her kids predecease her.  And she’s well on her way: my younger brother essentially committed suicide after a lifetime of dependency on and abuse from both her and my father who treated him like shit because he too was seriously chronically ill, having been born with a congenital heart defect that was expected to kill him as an infant.

In my own case, also through no fault of my own, I am so seriously ill that a few days without medicine will start a cascade of horribleness that can only end one way: in my gruesome and untimely death either from Crohn’s disease itself or from conventional Western medical treatments that themselves are known to cause serious injury, disability and death (and are also notoriously ineffective at treating Crohn’s).  In other words, doctors will torture and kill me or I will starve to death because, not properly medicated, I will be unable to eat.  Or, you know, both will happen at the same time, considering that Crohn’s is incurable, progressive and notoriously unresponsive to conventional care, i.e. despite gruesome conventional treatments, treatment failures and medical mistakes that will harm and disable me even more, I will still be unable to eat.  And I’ll be homeless at the same time.  Thanks, Mom.

This needn’t be a long post but as much or as little as I write about it I’m sure there will be those who just do not understand, or pretend not to, that they were likely unwanted by their mothers but ask yourselves this: what is your own mother, and the mothers of people you know, telling you through her actions about how she feels about your continued existence within the current system, the one she brought you into but as an oppressed (female) person is more or less powerless to control?  If she is showing you by her actions and inactions that she would prefer to see you dead, or at least that she doesn’t care much whether you live or die and under what conditions, it wouldn’t be the greatest shock in the world now would it?  Be honest.

From where I’m sitting, it is self-evident that most if not all mothers are only mothers in the first place because they are just too stupid to realize how evil it is to create life under late stage capitalism and patriarchy (or they realize it too late) or they are actual sadists and users who only had children in the first place because of what those children would presumably do for them.  Someone to dominate and control, someone to take care of her when she’s old, something to love, wants grandchildren, save the relationship with a man, etc.  When things don’t turn out the way she’d hoped, or if things go sideways in ways she’d never imagined it is completely predictable that mothers will throw their own children to the wolves and damned if that’s not exactly what mothers do to their own fucking children as soon as they become seriously chronically ill.  Any “disagreements” to these self-evident statements will require a high standard of proof as extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, and stating that motherhood is normally a wanted condition and that children are usually treated as if they are wanted is an extraordinary claim by any measure.  Reality says otherwise all the time.

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6 thoughts on “Our Mothers Want Us Dead. Another Antinatalist Post.

  1. My mom is actually the complete opposite of this, yet so much of what you say applies to her in different ways. Her only big goal in life is to help me and leave me whatever she can when she dies. It’s a lot of pressure on me because I want her to see me doing well so she can be OK too. She had a hard life as we all do in this nightmare world and had to work so hard for everything. She wants things to be better for me so badly and did everything she could to help me get educated so I could take care of myself. I’m an only child. I grew up with both my parents, they lived together as room mates. They were kind of friends, kind of hated each other, until they just hated each other and eventually my dad moved into his own apartment. He didn’t last all that long without her taking care of him, even though they hadn’t been a couple since before I can remember. He killed himself two years ago. So obviously that was pretty traumatizing and I got so much sicker after that. To make it worse, she lied to her family and said he just died so I had to lie to them too. My dad’s family didn’t even tell his mom she’s dead, so I don’t think I can handle talking to my grandma again.

    That is so horrible how your mom acted to you. I’m sorry that your family has been so awful and unhelpful. Though my mom tries to help me all she can and it is still kind of horrible. She can’t really do that much to help me and I feel bad about everything she does because she could use help herself. She is so difficult to talk to and deal with too. In another post you were talking about how mothers lie a lot, mine doesn’t lie, actually she’s brutally honest, but is also semi delusional and essentially lies to herself and remembers things happening in better and less horrible ways than what did happen.

    She doesn’t understand how sick I’ve been when I try to explain things to her either, but I see it’s because it hurts her she can’t do anything more for me that what she already has. She doesn’t understand why I haven’t gotten much accomplished in the past few years since I’ve been too sick and hurt to do much. The whole time she’s been saying how all these other people are doing all this stuff, so why aren’t you? Even though a lot of the time I could barely move. Just like your mom she thinks I should have a job and be doing all kinds of stuff and doesn’t get it.

    I don’t have some big diagnosis as to what’s wrong with me so it’s very hard to explain to people how bad you are doing when you haven’t gotten some official doctor approval that you are sick. I’m had a whole bunch of “little” (indescribably painful) things wrong that I had to deal with one by one and I suspect I have something AI going on as well because of the chronic inflammation and severe constant pain, as well as having digestive trouble. I think underlying immune stuff is why everything is so hard to recover from now. (Does anyone have a functioning immune system?! Good question.) I was totally convinced I was dying for a long time after I had been in so much pain for years. It was certainly a revelation to me too that you can be sicker than anything a healthy person could even begin to imagine and not necessarily be dying. I’ve just now started feeling better at least enough where the pain is bearable and I am able to live again as long as I am careful I don’t over-exert myself. So now after several years of being too sickly and it pain I am finally about to finish up the masters degree I am doing. I am only 32 so I fear this is the start of something worse and am constantly in a panic to figure out what to do to make sure I can take care of whatever happens to me before anything else happens. My precious kitties are also nearing old age and I am so worried about being able to take care of them too in case they need lots of medical care in their old age.

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  2. That’s interesting that she is trying to do things for you and yet she “others” you since you’ve been ill. Othering meaning denying, dismissing and not respecting your material reality, basically. Othering is actually not compatible with life and it’s the type of discrimination and “hate” that civil rights groups are trying to eradicate because it has such devastating material effects on people’s lives. It’s notable that she seems to be doing both things at the same time, I wonder what’s up with that? And I agree that in many ways I’m fortunate to not have helpful family! For one thing, my family could be 10x less awful than they are and still make my life a living hell if I ever had to live with them. Also, the indebtedness you mention when people do step up and we end up feeling guilty and like a burden. It’s going to be one or the other isn’t it? I’ve seen both on the AI message boards but mostly it’s that family is awful and unhelpful from what I can tell. It seems a pretty universal experience. And even the ones who are getting help and feel like a burden because of it also have people in their lives who are shitty about it and treat them badly. Sometimes the people who are helping still make them feel like shit, don’t believe them and whatnot but for some reason are helping them anyway. I’m also fortunate to even have a diagnosis and that bare minimal stamp of approval from Western medicine that I’m really sick even tho no one truly understands what that means. The gaslighting must be truly extreme for those who don’t even have a diagnosis and it’s bad enough with one. So maybe it doesn’t even matter in the end, idk. And my whole life is panic now, sounds like yours is too. I’m truly sorry about that because it is truly awful to be panicked all the time or several times a day or whatever. As if that’s not making us even sicker. Thank you for your comment.

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  3. The gaslighting is epidemic if you have the misfortune of being depressed and anxious about unknown pain and illness that isn’t easily answered by even invasive tests and general blowoffs. god forbid you dont take the medicines and shut up no matter how bad the side effects. you must not want to get better! sigh. next time i have to go to the ER i’m just gonna kill myself and it could happen anytime and i’m overdue. my mother knows that the last 14 hour wait in the ER was useless and trying to see a dr for follow up was a joke. that was more than a year ago.
    i really appreciate and read everything you write. kinda like diogenes with a lamp instead of the gas lamplighters on stilts everywhere… hehe can you tell i suck at writing and have chronic insomnia?
    anyway, i feel sorry for my mom, mostly. she endlessly reads the bible and believes in sky patriarch and his son’s bullshit. i love her, i know she loves me but she was too broken and burdened by male parasites and this toxic world to truly care for and protect me as a child. just this year i introduced her to the idea of emotional labor and not doing so much of it for my brother and dad and she’s actually into it now that she can see she was only making them more lazy and thoughtless by doing all the work and organizing. they still take priority and are most important to her, despite the constant drain.

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  4. Hi LadyLove thanks for your comment. I’m so sorry you are in this situation. As I’ve mentioned here before, I believe the “opiate epidemic” is really a suicide epidemic that’s being covered up. At the very least it is evidence that people are in terrible chronic pain both mentally and physically. I wonder, what would an honest public conversation about euthanasia for intractable pain and symptoms look like in this culture and is it even possible? The gaslighting around that topic just like all those that directly affect US, women and sick women is extreme. I will never encourage or discourage anyone from pursuing an end to chronic pain as we are all adults here. It is a very personal decision that we all must handle more or less alone unfortunately. The usual platitude of “it gets better” clearly does not apply to us because we are progressively ill and we know it’s only going to get worse. I can’t imagine that anyone expects us to take the platitude seriously because it’s clearly not true in our case, but they do expect us to deal with the reality of our situations quietly it seems. Exit International is an interesting international resource and they deny access to their resources to those who are not of retirement age or older and/or chronically ill. I recently read there about a young woman who died of Crohn’s, she had tried to get access to euthanasia because she was terrified of dying without dignity and she knew what she was in for with a Crohn’s death. She did not get access to it and she died puking feces (shit, poop) out of her mouth in front of her family because that’s what happens when you have a serious bowel obstruction. Her own country, community and family let that happen to her. It was her worst fear and they all let it come true for her. It’s horrific honestly. I do hope everyone here has access to an honest conversation about these issues and that they have someone in their lives who will talk about it with them honestly. I think we’ve all had enough gaslighting to last us.

    Speaking of gaslighting, I recently read the book “Die Wise” which is about dying obviously (I should read it again actually) and one thing I remember about it is the author once spoke with a psychiatrist who told him that psychiatry is useless. He said that regardless of what they do or don’t do, a rule of thirds always applies to psych patients: a third will get better, a third will get worse, and a third will stay the same NO MATTER WHAT treatment they get or don’t get. And yes, this prick continued “treating” patients and collecting a paycheck knowing that about himself, his actions and his patients. So sue me if I don’t take psych or pop-psych seriously for that and other reasons. It’s all bullshit and they all know it. Take that as you will and apply it however you think it’s appropriate to this conversation. Thank you for reading and I hope you can get some relief from your suffering. I hope that for us all.

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  5. It’s more sinister than BS. The entirety of psychiatry was founded as a reaction to 1st wave. Freud made his name ‘curing’ women from their reaction to oppression by pulling stuff out of his arse and having the same knowledge about our bodies-minds as an alien would. Now it’s added largely useless meds to its arsenal.

    Women’s lib philosophy did more for me than a decade worth of counselling & meds. My last fortress is breaking down feminine shackles of niceness in myself. I’ve endured consistent abuse from white middle aged male business owners/over the counter dudes since I became ill and stopped doing femininity. It’s so poorly veiled with consumerism. Today I badly wanted to throw juice at the seller, who a)sold me undrinkable throat burning juice; b) made a creepy disdainful comment about me putting on sunscreen “all over my body” when I got him to remake it….THis is in the country of Slip, Slop, Slap where putting on sunscreen is like drinking beer in Germany!!!

    but i DIDN’t. Instead I went home and listened to a Sonia JOhnson recording to replenish & thought about it. You see – female bodies of fuckable age and look not performing for guys is seen as a WASTE. You get relegated down to old hag level & treated accordingly.

    Womyn (especially old ones) have been really helpful * sympathetic on the other hand. In fact, I’d happily live in a retirement village where I’d get be able to get that amazing senior female hand holding (it carries peace). It’s like female goodness becomes extra concentrated in old age.

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  6. diagnoses seem to be 50 years off course these days. 1 girl has diabetes-seeming symptoms…without actual diabetes. So they don’t even know how to define classic illness with new variation anymore

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