I have spoken at length with other women who, throughout their lives, have been abused, neglected, torn/worn down, palmed off and otherwise unsupported by their mothers to the point that the only logical outcome of this treatment would be our untimely deaths, either from the abuse/neglect itself, from the completely predictable male violence and neglect we are subjected to when we choose heterosexual relations/relationships for survival, or via suicide. The obvious fact that motherhood is the end result of misogyny, specifically female reproductive abuse including unwanted or “survival” sex and rape, makes this non-attachment to children foreseeable and ordinary and insures that it will never be discussed as if it were either.
I have written here before about what “family” means to me, and from where I’ve always stood, family appears to be the source of overwhelming grief, torture, humiliation, powerlessness and pain including medicalized torture, humiliation and pain if you were “privileged” enough to be born to Western medical professionals like I was. (Of course, the tools of any trade and any patriarchal conditioning can and will be used by parents to torture children, especially girls.) Family, if we are honest, is the source and location of almost all of girls’ and women’s suffering including being subjected to abusive male “sex” practices that only lead to one place for female-bodied people: pregnancy and motherhood. Motherhood is a biological function exactly as romantic as shitting if we are honest about it and children are treated like shit for exactly that reason including grown “children” who were never part of the families they were born into in any human sense. More like a shit-on-the-bottom-of-your-shoe sense. Oops. For more forward-thinking (or adaptable) folk perhaps in a compost-sense: a useful object that better prove to be useful or else.
A goodly portion of us were not wanted by our mothers and common sense bears that out; most of us know how difficult it is to have consequence-free recreational intercourse (or rape) and we activate against pregnancy for decades and not just because of the “timing” although for some that may be part of it. For anyone who is still unsure, the ways our mothers often treat us make it clear that we were unwanted by her, or at least that we are unwanted now. Although I shouldn’t be I am taken aback every time I see chronically ill people commenting in groups and on message boards how they are treated almost universally poorly by their own families — including by their own mothers — now that they are sick. The last time I spoke with my own mother she blamed and dismissed me for being sick and told me I should move to a bigger city “because they have nicer homeless shelters there.”
Why I should be homeless when my mother and my entire family all own their own homes (well, the bank owns them) was not addressed, nor was the fact that my mother only “owns” her home in the first place because she was treated generously (albeit begrudgingly) when she divorced a man who could well afford it. The fact that she is currently sheltered has nothing to do with her own responsibility, good choices or inherent worth even though she pretends, or may even believe, that it does. But I digress.
Of course, homeless shelters do not allow marijuana, medical or otherwise, and as a seriously ill Crohn’s patient I have to medicate in order to eat. With her words and actions, my mother was clearly telling me not just that that she doesn’t care if I die, but that she actually activates towards it. Her wasting my time, energy and health (aka. “spoons“) with this fruitless and mind-fucking discussion only made me more vulnerable to that outcome than I was before I asked her for help and indeed my health crashed for fully 6 months afterwards. I don’t think I’ve ever recovered if I’m honest. Would anyone be likely to recover after hearing those words from their own mother? Would they?
My mother is more brutally honest than most but even if she hadn’t (basically) said it her actions would’ve conveyed the same thing: she wasn’t just ambivalent about my continued survival on this planet, she actively wanted me dead. And from an antinatalist and radical feminist perspective, I get it. She brought life into this hell-dimension, otherwise known as late (end) stage capitalism and patriarchy, and her only way out of the abject horror of lifelong moral and natural maternal responsibility under those oppressive conditions is if one or both of us dies. My mother has had at least one suicide attempt that I know of and she’s still here, and her second marriage has come close to killing her but so far hasn’t so now her only realistic escape from the hell of (capitalistic patriarchal) motherhood is if her kids predecease her. And she’s well on her way: my younger brother essentially committed suicide after a lifetime of dependency on and abuse from both her and my father who treated him like shit because he too was seriously chronically ill, having been born with a congenital heart defect that was expected to kill him as an infant.
In my own case, also through no fault of my own, I am so seriously ill that a few days without medicine will start a cascade of horribleness that can only end one way: in my gruesome and untimely death either from Crohn’s disease itself or from conventional Western medical treatments that themselves are known to cause serious injury, disability and death (and are also notoriously ineffective at treating Crohn’s). In other words, doctors will torture and kill me or I will starve to death because, not properly medicated, I will be unable to eat. Or, you know, both will happen at the same time, considering that Crohn’s is incurable, progressive and notoriously unresponsive to conventional care, i.e. despite gruesome conventional treatments, treatment failures and medical mistakes that will harm and disable me even more, I will still be unable to eat. And I’ll be homeless at the same time. Thanks, Mom.
This needn’t be a long post but as much or as little as I write about it I’m sure there will be those who just do not understand, or pretend not to, that they were likely unwanted by their mothers but ask yourselves this: what is your own mother, and the mothers of people you know, telling you through her actions about how she feels about your continued existence within the current system, the one she brought you into but as an oppressed (female) person is more or less powerless to control? If she is showing you by her actions and inactions that she would prefer to see you dead, or at least that she doesn’t care much whether you live or die and under what conditions, it wouldn’t be the greatest shock in the world now would it? Be honest.
From where I’m sitting, it is self-evident that most if not all mothers are only mothers in the first place because they are just too stupid to realize how evil it is to create life under late stage capitalism and patriarchy (or they realize it too late) or they are actual sadists and users who only had children in the first place because of what those children would presumably do for them. Someone to dominate and control, someone to take care of her when she’s old, something to love, wants grandchildren, save the relationship with a man, etc. When things don’t turn out the way she’d hoped, or if things go sideways in ways she’d never imagined it is completely predictable that mothers will throw their own children to the wolves and damned if that’s not exactly what mothers do to their own fucking children as soon as they become seriously chronically ill. Any “disagreements” to these self-evident statements will require a high standard of proof as extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, and stating that motherhood is normally a wanted condition and that children are usually treated as if they are wanted is an extraordinary claim by any measure. Reality says otherwise all the time.