The Welfare Gnome! It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again)

According to the internet, a “sock gnome” is a mythical creature that pilfers socks.  Presumably it lives in or around the dryer where you put an even number of socks in and get an odd number out.  Sometimes it gets tricksy and spits out an even number but the pairs don’t match (meaning it’s pilfered one from more than one pair) but the usual evidence that you’ve had a sock pilfered by a gnome is that there is one left over that doesn’t have a mate and the missing sock never reappears ever.  This is a real thing (if not a real gnome) and everyone knows what this means.

Well, there appears to be a similar creature that lives at Social Services and pilfers sick and poor people’s applications for welfare benefits.  Or something, idk.  I assume these creatures are related but maybe not since this gnome doesn’t play games: its goal seems to be to drive you insane before it literally kills you.  I wrote here before about an application for benefits that went missing, along with a half a dozen other boondoggles that have wasted my spoons and left me scrambling to repeat some administrative process I was barely able to complete survive the first time.

Because while a sick person’s literal inability to jump through bureaucratic hoops is actually the best evidence that someone is extremely ill, someone has decided that only those who are well enough to sing for their supper (or pursue benefits) deserve to eat, as it were.  The first application that went missing was for food stamps, while today I found out that my application to get on a 4 month waitlist to see a doctor went missing 2 months ago and has not been since heard from: although my disability advocate hand-delivered it, the application was never received.

I didn’t know it had never been received since I was instructed to wait for 2-3 months for a phonecall from them whereupon they would then tell me that I had to wait another 4 months to see a provider.  Now I get to start the whole process over again.  Of course, the clock starts, again, from zero: 2-3 months for the application to be processed and another 4 months before I will be seen.  And as both Crohn’s disease and high functioning Autism are untreatable and incurable, the only reason I’m even trying to get in to see a doctor is that I need up to date records of medical compliance (not actual therapeutic medical care since none exists) to support my claims for disability.  As if sick people have the time and energy for that.

Just “apply for benefits” then keep applying indefinitely or forever!  Just get showered, dressed, don’t eat or drink anything though because Crohn’s, get somehow transported across town, pretend to act human for several hours while you are being humiliated, interrogated, starved and otherwise tortured in public, then somehow get a ride back home.  And do all of that without “acting” sick.  Easy peasy.

And truly, bureaucratic incompetence (or a welfare or Social Services gnome) isn’t even worth writing about and I wouldn’t bother writing about it except that it had an unsettling effect on me: I literally wondered, if only for a second, if I had hallucinated the whole thing and therefore wondered if my new disability advocate who had hand-delivered the applications himself, Dave, was even real.  Jesus Christ that was disturbing.  Around Halloween of this year, Dave had helped me complete numerous applications, some online, while he mailed some hardcopies out of town and hand-delivered the rest; the 2 applications that were both hand-delivered were supposedly never received.  One would be understandable, if not acceptable, but both of them?  I was shook.

Very shortly thereafter I realized that the only proof I even have that Dave came to pick me up several times, completed applications for/with me and took me home again is that one application we did online was actually received and has his name and information on it.  Much to my chagrin, they initially returned that “online” application to me in hardcopy to review, sign and return (WTF) but as it turns out, that bit of bureaucratic fuckery actually saved me from something awful — a literal break from reality — and was the only proof I had that Dave and our interactions were even real.  Also, my old disability advocate told me about Dave in front of another person and they both remember it.  (!)  So yeah, I’m legit losing my mind by now but at least I’m not delusional (that I know of).  Everything about this is fucking terrifying.

Wait.  Is Dave even real?  Think hard.

At some point, I know my readers are going to get sick to death of hearing about this shit and I wouldn’t blame them.  Hearing about how the system truly victimizes people is unpleasant and predictably leaves those who don’t have to deal with it (yet) with the strong impression that disenfranchised people are “victims” experiencing “victimization” which is always, always read as a character flaw, or it is eventually, especially if it goes on for a long time and it often almost always does.  And this material is about as appealing to read as…idk, a book of vintage recipes where the first and second ingredients in every dish are Jello and fake mayonnaise?  Maybe.  There’s a trainwreck quality that’s hard to look away from, it’s interesting (at first) to see how all the various parts fit together (or ultimately don’t) and I suppose it’s possible to have compassion for the vintage cooks who were trying so, so hard to be resourceful and whatnot.

But eventually that person’s judgement will probably come into question and the blame will fall squarely on them if they consistently choose to participate in such insanity, in that case, preparing and serving Spaghetti-Os and sliced hot dogs suspended in savory Jello, or a canned ambrosia Yule log.  (I just watched a video of someone making a canned ambrosia Yule log from a vintage recipe, you can watch that here).  Or in the case of a vulnerable person seeking benefits, choosing to consistently be relieved of their dignity and even being (seemingly) willingly neglected and abused.  The comparison is kind of a reach but what I’m getting at here is that it’s not pretty.  The things I discuss on this blog aren’t pretty.

So do I have an actual point?  Actually I have 2.  The first point I will make via another anecdote and is something I learned as a young attorney who was becoming seriously ill: I had been seeing a chiropractor/nutritionist for months to attempt to treat what was becoming unbearable chronic pain and GI issues when my health insurance company started denying his claims.  The “doctor” wasn’t being paid but I was still in disabling pain and his treatments were working.  Kind of. Until they stopped.  We had to have “the discussion” which drew out our competing interests: my interest in continuing treatment without a lapse versus his interest in being consistently paid.  (Really, this is where the myth of the compassionate Western healer is always undone: the issue of money.  But that’s a post for another day.)  This discussion is never pleasant and as I learned, is absolutely meant to be ugly.

As a seasoned provider with decades of experience in the insurance game, the “doctor” calmly explained to me that part of the game is to pit the doctor and patient against each other so that they can’t provide a united front against the real enemy: the insurance company.  The goal is to have the doctor and patient part ways angry so that there is no reason to pursue an appeal and the treatment — whether it’s medically necessary or not — simply ends.  From the insurance company’s perspective, the problem (of exposure to liability) just goes away: if the doctor and patient part ways it doesn’t have to expend resources reviewing appeals and no further claims will be made, their exposure drops to zero, and they win.

Get it?  Bad guys 1, good guys 0.  And this, I think, is the dynamic playing out when people get fed up (and fired up) with hearing about what sick and disabled people go through — regular, relatively powerless people blaming and judging other regular, relatively powerless people for being “victims” instead of providing a unified front against our common enemy.  In this case, against our corporate and governmental overlords who spend billions if not trillions annually on “corporate welfare” and destructive black budget programs while reducing, eliminating or otherwise making inaccessible benefits that real people need to live in this shithole they created, not us.  And Big Medicine torturing sick people and deliberately (or leastwise predictably) making us worse.

We all have a choice, don’t we, to pick the correct side and to not fall into this deliberate trap set by the elite, to not go against our own interests, to decline the invitation to support our oppressors while undermining ourselves and our ilk, our own people.  Choose correctly.  It matters.

My second point is this.  I can only speak for myself when I say that I absolutely never wanted to be a “victim” and I spent my entire life and literally everything I had trying to ensure that didn’t happen.  I have written about that before if anyone wants to revisit that part of my journey, but what I haven’t directly said is this: once I had exhausted every resource I had accumulated over a lifetime (which wasn’t much), after I had asked everyone I knew for help and they all declined, after I had failed to cure myself of an incurable disease, I knew what was coming for me because I had spent my entire life trying to avoid it.

My experience as a benefits attorney only underscored what I already knew, which is that there is nothing there to catch most people when they fall, and there is no bottom to the abuse and neglect one will suffer, and literally endless opportunities to be victimized, once anyone, especially an unresourced, unsupported female, is no longer able to control her outcomes and sick women can no longer reliably control their outcomes.  I knew the benefits system would be inaccessible or inadequate, I knew I would be abused and neglected by doctors if I let them, I knew I could end up sick and homeless at the same time, I knew I could end up sick and homeless and raped and pregnant at the same time if there was nothing I could do to stop it, and I knew that once I got sick there was, in fact, little or nothing I could do to stop it.  I knew there would be no end to my suffering as a sick woman under capitalism and patriarchy.

I saw this coming a mile out, and to avoid that outcome I knew I didn’t want and knew I couldn’t handle (and shouldn’t be expected to) and to fulfill a lifelong promise I had made to myself to never “allow” myself to be victimized in this way, I attempted suicide.  4 times.  Four fucking times I took action against myself that was so incompatible with life that by all rights I should have died at least once if not every time but I didn’t die.  Each time I woke to this nightmare that won’t end and I had to go on, dealing with the same shit and with the same hideous constraints only even more sick and more traumatized than I was before if that was even possible.  And it is possible, isn’t it — it is bottomless.  There is no end, there is absolutely no end to how bad this can and will get for me and for everyone in my position.

And to be clear, I started this blog after what ended up being my final (well, most recent) suicide attempt which was 2 years ago by now.  Get it?  Every single post on this blog was written after that and therefore was very nearly not written at all.  What I am documenting here, I think, is a fairly common experience that is almost always lost to time and tragedy: what it’s actually like to be this seriously, hopelessly ill, how “the system” works against sick people and sick women at every turn, and what it really looks like to have no options.  And while this surely happens all the time, every force in the universe, it seems, is working against most people actually knowing about it.  In fact, the most relateable thing I’ve ever read, the only thing that I have ever seen address these points and describe an experience nearly identical to my own was left behind by an activist/writer/seriously chronically ill woman in a suicide note.  I wrote about that woman, Anne Örtegren, and her suicide note here 

In my own case, and this is the only reason you are hearing about it, I happened to be a seasoned researcher and writer with a specialized interest in dissecting the insane system of patriarchy, I had a preexisting platform on which to advertise this project and an audience that was open to hearing about it, and despite my best intentions and efforts, and those of everyone and everything else for that matter, where those intentions and efforts were not compatible with life, my life, I didn’t fucking die.  Not yet anyway.  I suspect that many women who experience what I and Anne Örtegren and others have experienced go down for the third and final time before anyone even hears them scream.  And if any of this sounds a little crazy to you, that’s only because it is.  It is completely, completely insane.


Comments Open.

24 thoughts on “The Welfare Gnome! It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again)

  1. Someone recently told me that my “constant victimization” was draining for them to read lol. I found out yesterday that the wait list for housing assistance is 3 years. That didn’t even phase me since the wait list in NYC which I had to tell my clients about constantly was 10. 10 fucking years! What chronically ill person even thinks they will be alive in 10 years? There were so many hurdles to me even applying for it, including the fact that I doubt I will even be alive in 3 years, that I just got my application in yesterday. I wasted the afternoon begging for benefits instead of actually working and making money, or sleeping, or doing laundry, or spending time with my cats and for what? So I could be gaslit so hard I started questioning whether reality was even real. And it will take me DAYS to recover. And here comes the self loathing for KNOWING I was wasting my spoons WHILE I was wasting them and I did it anyway.

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  2. I’m so sorry for all you are going through still. It is truly ridiculous how many people not only tolerate the system being like this, but actually say how great it is. As I’ve read through everything you’ve written on this blog it’s put so many pieces together that I only half understood and I’ve never seen anyone be able to explain all of this so coherently. I knew how evil all this was but there are so many pieces it’s hard to put it into words. I think it really is designed to actually drive people crazy so less people can get help and they get too unwell to even communicate what’s happening to others. I think at least voicing the things you are going through is cathartic if nothing else and you are able to relate to other people dealing with similar things. This system is ghoulish to the extreme, it makes so many people into the walking dead by denying help then won’t even let us die a kind death no matter what. My Dad got really sick and they cut his hours at work and he didn’t have money to pay for everything he needed or people able to help so he just shot himself. He stopped responding to me years before and I barely heard from him no one knew about anything that was happening until we went through the horrific mess in his apartment.

    It’s “funny” the other day my mom was screaming at me how retarded I am because if I was as sick as I said where I wasn’t functional at all I should have been able to get disability and “everyone else” can figure out how to do it but me. When I tell her how sick I was that I was physically unable to get out of bed from a variety of problems, debilitating digestive issues, my knee giving out completely so I couldn’t walk, the ongoing back problems, the series of serious tooth problems, the random attacks where the room would start spinning and I would shake uncontrollably, plus the general severe pain and inflammation; she tells me how you just need to “get up and go” and starts talking about her sister who was forced to work while she was dying of cancer. Even people dealing with health problems of their own that are severely limiting and even people who have dealt with trying to get help before and couldn’t still don’t understand how fucked up this whole system is. If I would have tried to get some kind of government help first I would have had to have a bunch of money to spend to even get diagnosed with something, which I didn’t have, then I don’t know what I would have even tried to get diagnosed with. They might give me some kind of help if I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia or some kind of chronic fatigue thing, but that is tested by testing for everything else and ruling everything else out. And that was actually the least disabling thing going on when things were at their worst. Like not being able to walk was a pretty big deal and that took forever to heal up enough to walk again and it’s still in pain, then when the digestive stuff got really bad that was pretty much it and I couldn’t do anything at all but curl up in a ball and try not to scream.

    I totally get it how insane this all is. If I would have spent any time trying to get help from somewhere, I definitely wouldn’t have gotten it and all it would have done would have been to eat away my precious little functional time that I needed to be building up a business for myself. Anything I tried to do to get a job that was doable without having a car, or a good phone, and being barely able to do anything anyway just ate up my time searching for and applying for all these things that went nowhere. The only thing that has been any help has been to work for myself and it took me so long to realize this, that being in charge of my own work is the ONLY thing that is helpful and something I should have been doing from a young age since it is hard to get started, takes a lot of time, and everything requires at least some money to get started. I was always told how going to college is this great helpful thing and I can get a career and help myself and help others like that. It’s all such crap. Girls need to be starting businesses as soon as they are able to, it’s the only thing that can save them and they can actually do it really young now with the internet. They have all these options available that didn’t even exist until now. A few of my friends who had kids early have kids that are almost high school age, I suggested to my friend to have her kid start a business selling stuff she makes and she’s like, yeah maybe. I want to call her up and fucking yell at her that she needs to get her kids started selling stuff right now so they can save themselves. I don’t know how to get anyone to listen.


  3. Hi anotherwoman. Thank you for responding. I’m sorry you are sick too and that your mom is being so terrible. She sounds like a slut honestly: a woman who only has anything herself bc she has spent her entire life fucking men to get whatever she has. Being sluts is how most women end up with kids in the first place. I know that’s hard to hear and it’s not easy to say either. My mom still lives in the house she bought with her divorce settlement from my dad, and somehow she thinks she has assets and security bc she is a good person, or smart or something. Sure she is mad bc she spent her young life building HIM up and making him (a 100% genetically white trash simpleton) a successful doctor, and she assumes if she had put all that effort into building herself up instead that she would have even more than she has now (or at least that she would be “ok” without having had to do all of that and what it cost her in terms of energy expenditure and shame and whatnot) but it doesn’t work like that. Really, building up a man is a good investment bc men don’t even have to be good at their jobs to have “successful” and lucrative careers but women have to be perfect to even be seen as marginally competent and minimally retainable. And men don’t get burned out by having to do terrible, unethical things for money the way women do. A man can just do that indefinitely and men get paid more and more and more the longer they can do it which is often forever. My mom eventually got burned out by having to caretake profoundly retarded adults and hospice patients who shouldn’t even be alive. If she had tried to be a doctor like she wanted to be, I’m not sure she even would’ve gotten thru medical school, where they have to literally torture live animals to see how they respond to different things like losing 80% of their blood, bc that skill supposedly transfers to treating critical patients in practice. It may or may not, but clearly men don’t historically have a problem with shit like that bc they keep doing it. And women can “build ourselves up” as much as we want, but since women are the ones primarily falling to these horrible untreatable illnesses, that’s not really worth much.

    Having a business really seems like a good way to use your time and it doesn’t leave you vulnerable to this middle class education trap, where you work your dick off to get educated/credentialed but are still an hourly worker and have no legacy to pass along to your kids unless they get educated/credentialed in the exact same thing. Having a business is the only way to create real generational wealth but no one tells us that. Rich people know that of course. If I had listened to my Nigel I would never have started my own business bc he had nothing good to say about it and constantly bitched about how it inconvenienced him and how it was beneath me bc I’m a lawyer. Well, currently that income is the only thing I have. He also CONSTANTLY pissed and moaned about me writing and creating community online, when this community has actually been a substantial resource in the form of intellectual support and now many years later, financial support. Reaching out to this community with this blog, and having my little business has saved my life (so far, and such as it is). So thank you to everyone who has commented and donated, because it matters. It really does. And if I had listened to ANYTHING my Nigel or the world was telling me I never would’ve done either. Of course, there literally was no internet community and certainly no internet commerce when I was making all my life decisions in the 80s and early 90s.

    Anyway, I’m sorry you have gone through the same kinds of things. I am glad that this writing has been helpful to you and helped put the pieces together and that you think that matters, or gives comfort. The insanity part of this is certainly deliberate and I think it is just as you say: they make people crazy on purpose so we can’t communicate, we can’t reach out, we can’t do anything. The other part of that, I think, is putting everyone on drugs. I never thought there was much of anything different between myself and homeless women except luck, and that’s a big part of it, but also that I have managed to navigate around Big Pharma solutions this whole time has certainly helped. I think once you start taking toxic pharmaceuticals, your fucking life is OVER. If there is anything that’s standing in between me and homelessness (and there might not be, or not forever) I think it’s that I haven’t been forced into/let them poison me with their drugs esp long term treatment with psych meds and most recently by destroying my immune system via conventional Crohn’s/autoimmune drugs. I do think mmj is different, but that’s a discussion for another day. Plus, I have to medicate in order to eat, so there’s that. Thanks for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it.

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  4. My mom actually has what little she has despite men fucking things up for her. She supported her boyfriend in her twenties though him going to graduate school, then he cheated on her. She married my dad thinking he was going to be some successful business man because his dad was and he had a degree, but he was so useless all he could do was work a basic low paying job while my mom did everything else having to raise me and work all the time. She never wanted another man after dumping him. She was always the head of the household and allowed my dad to live with us for a long time, he never had anything and died with nothing to leave me. She worked her whole life and ended up with hardly anything after tons of suffering to get it. She knows damn well how fucked up all this is and it’s all rigged, yet she still doesn’t “get it” in a way and thinks I should be doing better. She thought I could do so much better than her by helping me go to school and making sure I got highly educated but she never really knew all that a career entails and how much everything is stacked against women and everyone really who are starting from a low place.


  5. I guess my dad was better than most morally because he couldn’t handle doing the wallstreet stuff that his dad tried to get him into. He quit it and found a regular job and said it was honest work, so I assume they were trying to get him to do some fucked up shit. But then it screwed his family that he wouldn’t do some unethical business man crap because he could never make enough to really take care of us. My mom had to do pretty much everything. It really would have been better for her if she wouldn’t have tried to build up any man because the men she picked went any good for her and just took her energy and she got nothing back.


  6. But yeah plenty of the women in my family only have what they have because of a man. Even the ones who have worked really hard to get stuff going for themselves were only able to do so because they had a man providing so much.


  7. Yeah, if your dad was ethical it makes perfect sense that he wasn’t the “success” she needed him to be. It’s so unbelievable (I almost said funny) what women assume to be the truth just bc they don’t know enough about the world to know how anything actually works. Like your mom having no idea what it’s really like for educated women bc she isn’t educated herself. My mom was in her 40s before she even got her BA and she made good money on an AA for many years while she put my dad thru medical school. During the lean times they got welfare and food stamps enough for 4 adults even tho it was just them and 2 toddlers. They ate like kings according to my mom. My dad conveniently forgot they were ever on welfare and neither of them grok that they got a huge part of it bc they had kids. Or women thinking their “successful” men go off to work everyday blowing dandelions to amuse puppies or something. Women also don’t care what their men do, so there’s that. Imagine all the women who laid down to sleep each night with the men who created the nuclear industry, or who were warmongers, or as you say Wall Street tycoons. Anyone who made money in the 80s is probably straight evil, and that’s when my dad was making his first major money and that’s where my mom became accustomed to it. That was an interesting time actually, and I think those money making opportunities during that period may’ve been unique to that time and place, but all the fucking Boomers who got rich during that time just think they got what they deserved and assumed that their kids would be able to (or wanted to) do the same thing.

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  8. My mom got her degrees now. She did them all after I did, but she did them mostly for the student loans because she needed money to live on. She might do some things now that require a bachelor’s but she got the Masters too that she will probably never use. Several of her sisters got degrees late in life and are doing some things that require them, but no one ever got highly educated and did some big career like she expected me to do. They got degrees after me. Anyone else highly educated is far away and I don’t hear from them much. I never had anyone to talk to about anything or provide any help or example on what to do. Pretty much everyone had help getting started working from family or some from friends. I had no one and no connections. So she says how my cousins are doing all this stuff, but some of them even got inheritances, they had parents get them started in jobs, they had friend networks to connect them, and they didn’t get horribly sick. I went to all this college and no one else around me did so I was going through it all alone. It just left me with no connections and confused. Then I research women in science and it’s just mostly endless stories of rape and harassment like anything else, I thought “professional” men would act better, like obviously if you join the military or something they’ll try to rape you, but damn they’re still rapey savages if you go do scientific research. It doesn’t even matter, we’re hated and in danger anywhere around men.


  9. My ex was only semi supportive of my business ventures as something I was going to do in addition to some kind of “real” career and when I said I realized everything else was pointless other than having businesses that you are in control of, he got mad that I wasn’t going to try to do something with my degree after he did so much to help me get though it. Even though at that point I had no real ability to do all that would entail and I really understood the truth of how awful all this stuff is, there’s no ability to really change much and you’re just putting yourself at the mercy of others and having to deal with men’s abuse. I see no benefit to anything anymore that’s not having your own business. He also sort of looked down on “just selling stuff” and felt like I should have some kind of big career based on my education.
    I tried so hard to get him to do a business with me and we could have made so much money so much sooner if he would have cooperated, but trying to figure everything out myself, while constantly dealing with so much shit took a lot of time. I feel like society in general looks down on people starting a business and it’s seen as something stupid or like a silly housewife thing while the husband is doing something real. You get very put down by people not following a path laid out for you. But then when someone gets really successful from their business, suddenly everyone thinks it’s so great.


  10. One of my uncles that my aunt married became a successful professor and does all this stuff, studies and experiments and writes books. But it took so much help to get him there. He had a rich dad who gave him all kinds of money and helped him start businesses that he couldn’t handle and failed. My aunt took care of him in every way to a ridiculous extent and did pretty much everything for their kid for all those years they were together. When he was studying for his graduate degrees apparently some dude just saw him and said he would be his mentor. Lol I guess that’s how things work for men. He had every advantage to be able to get there. He did a lot of work, but hard work doesn’t mean shit, pretty much everyone works hard. But people would look at him and think he did so much, he was only able to do all that because he was handed so much on a silver platter. My aunt was able to take care of everything for him and build him up and live a good life because she helped build him up. She always struggled to keep a job and just in recent years got her education and a good job, that’s still something that is only when they have work. She thinks she’s done so well because she helped build up this man who had every advantage. I definitely know what you mean, women who hook up with these good provider men think they are doing so great because they found men who had everything handed to them and no one will ever acknowledge how hard work is often irrelevant and the people who succeed were given everything to start with.

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  11. The only thing of value I ever got from my Nigel was that his mother took us in twice when we had nowhere else to go, once after law school and once when “we” lost MY apartment in the hurricane. But that’s not a small thing is it? And men seem to always have their mommies to fall back on. If it doesn’t work out with a woman, they can always just go back home again and be treated like big babies, and that colors all their interactions with the women they are with. They literally don’t care about ever being homeless bc most of them never will be, no matter how badly they fuck up. He only worked sporadically the whole time we were together and I found out years later, the reason he never had any money (besides not working) was bc he was paying off old debts and giving his mom money and lying about it. My family never treated me like anything except a burden or a failure no matter how much I succeeded, and I never had a man take me off their hands permanently although they all assumed Nigel’s mom would help “us” if we ever needed it which luckily for me, she did. Of course that ended as soon as I left to pursue medical treatment out of state and didn’t come back. The whole point in helping me was to help him “land” a woman he wasn’t good enough for by making it seem like he was a better catch than he really was on his own.

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  12. Yeah my dude got to go back to his mommy to get everything taken care of for him now in a nice big house. I don’t think he fully understands how much he got to start with and he didn’t even take advantage of it. He moved out early and didn’t finish any degree until I made him and helped him. He just had a basic job and no real plan, I was there trying to help us both figure out a plan and he acted like I was holding him back and he would have all these things going for him if it wasn’t for me. He has such an advantage with his parents having money. Anything he wanted to do they were always happy to pay for it and they helped us a lot. My mom helped but just didn’t have much to give. I worked so hard all my life thinking I was doing something important and I was getting somewhere. I feel so tricked now. I feel stupid thinking you can get anywhere in this system.

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  13. Bringing this around to the subject of this post, the benefits system clearly only works for people who have others to take care of them, and that would appear to be MEN. As usual. And possibly children. Men have their mommies, wives and girlfriends to apply for benefits for them so they never have to do it. Sick people who have no help (women IOW) can’t access benefits in the same way or at all. It’s a similar situation to health insurance that’s tied to employment which clearly isn’t designed to help a sick worker who won’t be able to keep their job or their insurance: work-related health insurance is to protect working MEN when their dependents get sick so the sickies don’t drag the men down before they can run away to greener pastures. Working men who get sick, of course, don’t need insurance (as much) bc they always have women to take care of them. I feel stupid too for ever thinking I could make any of this work for me if only I was smart enough lol. I got my career off to a bad start bc I was already getting sick when I got my first real lawyering job, and as soon as my health insurance kicked in I started taking sick and personal days and using my insurance to the max. That colored my entire career bc it looked really bad on me and I never recovered professionally from that. Not that it was ever going to be an easy sell for me bc I just can’t seem to figure out how to pretend I’m not white trash which I absolutely am. I was doomed from the start.

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  14. The work health insurance is also to keep people drugged up enough to keep working and being compliant too of course. I saw something really fucking weird that I wanted to show you, I’ll have to find it later. There was an ad for genetic testing, but this one said something along the lines of ‘most people are taking prescription drugs and almost 100 percent of people will take them in their lifetime and they only work about 30 percent of the time, so take this test to better understand what prescriptions will work for you, plus those other companies are selling your genetic info and we won’t.’ It really creeped me out.

    Yeah I don’t think I know how to pretend I’m not white trash either. I feel like garbage in this system and stand by everyone else who is garbage in this nightmare, I don’t know how to relate to people who think this is all so great and haven’t had any suffering inflicted on them or their loved ones and are not using their privileged lives to make things better for others.

    It’s pretty “funny” hearing about you trying to be a lawyer because my mom always wanted me to be a lawyer so bad and endlessly talked about how I should be a lawyer. Like even if this system was totally great and fair that’s a bizarre thing to try to get me to do, it’s like has she even met me before? I would be so bad at that. Lol I wouldn’t be able to talk in front of people all the time like that and I would just end up crying. I would never be able to remember anyone’s names and be so awkward about everything. And trying to get someone to do something they have no interest in doing is just doomed for failure no matter what even if it’s something you know they would be good at. One of my cousins actually became a lawyer, her dream job for me. He got to just get a job and have no problems as a healthy white man who inherited lots of money and he thinks life is easy in America.


  15. Rich/sheltered people are just completely bizarre. New money I can handle but the generationally wealthy are from another planet. When I worked at the legal nonprofit I remember the director talking about us providers “giving back” to the community and I legit didn’t know what the fuck she was even talking about. I still don’t. The generationally wealthy TAKE what they have from other people, they fucking steal it in the form of coerced/forced labor, pilfering natural resources that belong to everyone, etc. Even compound interest is a scam equivalent to alchemy (creating something from nothing, except compound interest is actually real bc they say it is). So them “giving back” doesn’t really mean anything except that they are gaslighting everyone about where their own generational wealth actually comes from and they are basically telling us that the community gave its resources over willingly and now they are reciprocating by giving a teeny tiny part of it back! What the fuck man. I don’t know how anyone falls for this shit. And their “giving back” was offering legal services to people who didn’t have legal issues or didn’t qualify for any benefits so we couldn’t actually help most of them and wasted a lot of their time. I’m not even sure if the directors and other generationally wealthy providers believed they were using their privilege to help others, or if they were just lying. Either way, the only ones who benefited from what we were doing were the program directors who were getting paid exorbitant salaries and getting even richer than they were before, and to a lesser extent, the providers who managed to eak out a working class to lower middle class living doing intakes and closing cases without actually helping anyone. I even asked one of my supervisors one time how the providers who lived in NYC could even afford to live there on what we were all being paid and she told me most of them were trust funders or had their living expenses paid by their families so they could afford to “give back.” LOL. Here I was doing it as a real job and 100% of my income. I was so naive. Suffice it to say I had trouble “relating to” and communicating with pretty much everyone there, and they didn’t get me either.

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  16. Yes they are absolutely from a whole different planet and can’t understand the difference between someone starting out with money, help, and stability building themselves up and people without any of that struggling to build themselves up. Being poor in itself makes people sick in so many ways, you’re doomed from the start, even if you’re not so poor you don’t have food the stress is bad enough. Most of the families who have been wealthy for generations have gotten there through such evil, I guess maybe it’s a coping mechanism to tell themselves that they just worked hard and other people aren’t working hard enough.


  17. Happy New year. I hope you’re able to find some bit of happiness and peace through all this mess. It has certainly been elusive to me in life too. I have experienced enough of the same things as you to understand exactly what you are talking about with all this. As I’ve read through all these blogs you’ve been like a big sister guiding me through the things I needed to learn with your writings and everything you linked to follow to. I’ve become very bitter and hateful from the abuse from doctors, the insanity of the medical system and the robotic people, and already from the lifetime of endless crap from men and the demands of “femininity” that I’ve only begun to really understand for the abuse it is in the last few years. Everytime I hear (or read) someone say this is wrong it me feel a little less hateful. I don’t really have a word for how it makes me feel to read all this. It doesn’t make me feel good to hear someone talking about such horrible things, but it does make me feel “good” in a sense. Like it’s such a relief that there’s people talking about how awful this all is and being able to explain it coherently.

    I have no hope in anyone being helpful to do anything, but what I do actually have hope in is entrepreneurship. My business is starting up and I believe it will be successful and I believe you can expand your business too in a way that doesn’t overwork you. I’m going to spend my life telling women to start businesses every chance I get, for themselves and their daughters so they can have a reasonably good life and deal with their probably inevitable illnesses, while trying not to sound as crazy as I’ve been driven. I don’t think the mass poisoning will ever stop and our species will probably just die out even if we could stop it now, it seems too late like I’m looking at the end of the world for humans and all the animals we’ll take with us.

    I pretty much hate everyone and everything at this point after years of severe chronic pain and the horrible treatment from men that has resulted. It really opened my eyes completely though. I had no idea how bad things actually are until I had to deal with horribly abusive doctors screaming at me and torturing me who I had to pay thousands of dollars for the abuse and I had men aggressively following me around telling me how good I look while I looked like a zombie stumbling around in agony while visibly pained, limping, and crying. Discovering radical feminism certainly saved my sanity explaining all these things to me that I was seeing that never quite fit together before.

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  18. Hi anotherwoman. I just wrote out a long reply but it got lost lol. I think I’ve left my body at this point and am not even thinking about the horrible things that are happening to me (and everyone) right now. Honestly I think the conspiratards and doomers are so big right now, and that they are allowed to speak at all, bc it gives people a reason to not kill themselves if they think something horrible might happen soon so that they won’t have to. I’ve been learning about a possible global catastrophe cycle that’s coming around again and is pretty interesting lol. And rewatching all the Marvel movies. Do you like the Avengers movies? I like them all, and they are very good escapism, but I think both Thanos and Loki (the bad guys) are actually right about a lot of things. It’s funny to me that this whole franchise has ended with the messages that Thanos and Loki were wrong when that’s SO obviously not the case at all. Thanos was arrogant and wanted to be worshipped, but he also knew that infinite growth is impossible on finite planets. Loki thought that humans crave domination and that the illusion of freedom only makes us more miserable than we have to be. Can’t really say the evidence is against either one of them. Considering that Marvel is a billion dollar franchise by now, and explosively, wildly popular at this moment in time, it seems to me that someone really wants or needs these reversals to be accepted as truth (and the real, obvious truths to be dismissed as lies and UNSPEAKABLE, EVIL lies) right now for some reason. I’m going to have a cup of tea and finish Infinity War. ❤ Thanks for reading and Happy New Year! Same as the old year? TBD (but probably, yes).


  19. Here is a playlist of the Earth Catastrophe Cycle for anyone who is interested:

    This is a very popular (and well funded somehow) conspiratard channel/researcher. I don’t trust anyone who drives around in a $200,000 RV but I think the information is interesting. He also just moved from NM to CO and I assume it’s bc he thinks CO is safer and that whatever is happening is going to climax soon. He apparently up and moved his family including his wife and a small child or 2 back in April of 2019. If anyone has been following this, comments welcome.


  20. That’s a good point that the hopelessness people feel might actually be lessened by the world ending in a way, there’s no point in killing yourself if it’s all going to end anyway. Might as well just all die together. I’m sort of fascinated at this point and almost moved beyond worrying about it and am now thinking that I might be one of the last humans and as horrible as that is it’s pretty interesting too. We have access to all this history of our whole species and the ancestors that came before and I’ve read way more about everything than most people. I’ve read the words of people throughout time and place through everything leading up till now and I’ve read countless living people’s words. So I’ve gotten to hear from so many people what their experiences of life are, more than people could ever dream of knowing before the internet. Since I read almost everyday and I read everything from everywhere from anyone who has something to say, or had if they are dead, and I’ve done that basically my entire life and will continue to do so, I’ve accumulated so much knowledge of humanity that I’ve gotten like an overview of the whole story. And now I might be seeing the ending of the story, like the closing of the whole book. And we’re all going to die anyway somehow so I guess it doesn’t really matter how when it comes down to it. It sure would be nice though to see good things happen. To feel liberation from these oppressive systems and have a sense of safety and peace and watch nature flourish all around. But maybe this is all just a similation anyways and it doesn’t matter because we just go into the next dimension. It’s all fascinating to think about.

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  21. I do like all the super hero movies. I saw the first Avengers and liked it, after that was when I got overwhelmed with how many superhero movies there were and it seemed to be neverending and they all started to blend together. I’ll have to go back and watch those ones though. I don’t remember a lot but I thought Loki was sort of not bad or good in the movies.

    Do you think that women crave domination too or they’ve just been brainwashed into it for too long? Obviously men generally love the whole domination thing and don’t even care if they are the dominator or dominated one, they love it all and spend their time fantasizing about it.

    I sure as hell don’t want domination but I do still think the illusion of freedom is even worse. Getting told over and over again how free you are then finding out it’s all propaganda is torture. I never felt free before but I didn’t know how unfree I am when I was growing up either and then the realization hit me like a ton of bricks when I understood.


  22. anotherwomaninhell: Your comment at Jan 3, 7:51 – – – I am so totally there with you now. Have been for a few years since I got clued into NTHE five years ago. Now, instead of frothing at the mouth when I read a facebook thread about the tranny stuff, I just comment that I take solace in near term human extinction. I’m relaxed and happy that the troons will never get a chance to create their wild dystopias, because another one is going to pre-empt them. Really soon. Actually, I’m laughing my head off. Always did hate the human race. 😛

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  23. Hi Mary and anotherwoman, thanks for articulating that about NTE. When I’m feeling calm I feel like you do, and it did have a calming effect on me when I first realized it was probably true. The end of patriarchy is on its way, altho it’s not exactly what feminists have had in mind this whole time. That’s only their own ignorance about the true nature of the problem tho and I will never forgive them for letting it come to this, and for not even recognizing it now that its here. Some of them are still asking for money and putting stuff behind paywalls to support their “smash patriarchy” bullshit! It’s really something. I do wonder if the dog and pony show (and its apparently insane escalation of late) is just a distraction from something else too, like maybe the earth catastrophe stuff will hit even before the male-caused loss of habitat/NTE stuff? And I know that sick people esp sick women often report a “sense of impending doom” as a symptom of serious illness, but at some point don’t we have to consider that EVERYONE getting sick and EVERYONE reacting negatively to readily-available food, drink etc really is the end of the world bc the earth (or certain regions especially, thanks Monsanto) can no longer support life? I mean really, that’s what we are up against isn’t it? Normal food and drink is toxic and/or non-nourishing to us now. If that doesn’t fully justify a sense of impending doom IDK what would.

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