Welcome Mumsnutters!

The Mumsnet community has found this blog and are intelligently discussing the extensive content largely insulting and degrading me, personally, over my previous antinatalist posts — 2 entire posts out of nearly 100 comprising this project which is about surviving (and not surviving) as a chronically ill female in end-stage capitalism and patriarchy.  I suppose the Mums’ days aren’t full up enough what with the extreme demands of catering to their fuck trophies and future soldiers, rapists and victims, otherwise known as children under the same global system, and asking each other whether they are being “unreasonable” for wanting to be regarded as human beings by their male owners.

The Mums at Mumset also believe that talking to the men at Mumset — the Duds, I guess? — about feminism is a good use of their time.  The Mum who started this discussion also apparently thinks it’s just duckie to ask impregnators (and the impregnated) what they think about antinatalism, as if the strong bias towards natalism on Mumsnet and in a global capitalist patriarchy in general isn’t obvious.  Yes the Mums and Duds on Mumsnet seem to think that natalists and pro-natalists are the endangered cognitive minority in need of protection from the handful of antinatalists that exist on the internet and who do not appear to exist anywhere in real life because they and the antinatalist perspective are routinely and systematically silenced.

Continue reading “Welcome Mumsnutters!”

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The Diagnostics Racket. Ft. Scooby Doo.

This needn’t be a long post but I was just thinking about how disingenuous it is to break up bodies into “parts” and “systems” in order to diagnose what’s wrong with sick people as if it matters.  Sick is sick, and if anyone were being honest about any of this we would all admit that what sick people need, more or less universally, is marijuana and a clean, safe environment in which to convalesce and to maybe or maybe not “recover.”  Some things have no cure.  We know that.

Marijuana works for everything, for every “part” and every “system” (the body/mind as a whole IOW) and this has been known by humans for thousands of years.  Playing dumb and worse, subjecting sick humans to inherently necrophilic compartmentalization in any form in order to heal them is not going to work.  Stabbing sick people in the bone to see if they have leukemia — when we already know that marijuana is a the safe and effective treatment both for leukemia and things that mimic leukemia — is simply cruelty.  Get it?  Subjecting anyone’s allegedly loved one to a bone-stabbing for no good reason — and I just showed that there isn’t a good reason — is cruelty.  And friends and family (and doctors obvs) should be ashamed for doing this but when it comes to the diagnostic racket people seem pretty shameless.  It frankly disgusts me.

You all just want to play dumb, acting like marijuana and a clean, safe place to convalesce isn’t clearly, obviously and universally what’s needed in every case.  Your ignorance is cartoonish.  You sound exactly like Scooby Doo in my exhausted fed up and terminally inflamed brain.

Sick person: I need real medicine that works in the first place and to stop being made worse in the second.

Everyone:  RUUUUTTTTT?  Rye ron’t ret it!

Sick person: The things I need cost money and I am unable to earn money anymore because sick.

Everyone: RUUUUTTTTTT?  Rye ron’t rav renny runny!*

* Obviously I understand that not everyone has money.  But one, a lot of people have a lot more money than they are willing to admit, they just have other priorities.  Also, there is a whole conversation to be had around the fact that sick people aren’t getting what they need, and that conversation needn’t center the finances of one person or one family.  If you aren’t the one who’s sick the conversation should NEVER center on you, it’s not about you.  RUUUUTTTTT?  Yeah.

Comments Open.

Benefits Attorneys are Professional Gaslighters. Language Itself is Gaslighting. Discuss. Or Don’t, It Really Probably Doesn’t Even Matter.

I spent my entire brief career as an attorney trying to get income- and disability-based benefits for vulnerable people.  It was a grueling and traumatizing career track that I realize now (and kind of realized at the time at different times) was based not in actually helping people by understanding their circumstances and getting people what they desperately needed, but in cruelly gaslighting them and wasting their time and energy doing “intakes” and whatnot when they could least afford the expense.  I have written here before about one potential client that was referred to me by a medical provider because he said people were threatening and following him.  Turns out, this man was quite mentally ill and was having delusions and it was left not up to his doctors (who palmed him off on me) but to me, a young attorney, to put the pieces together for him and to figure out what was really going on, but not before wasting a significant amount of his time.

Of course, even if there were people following and threatening him there is little to nothing a lawyer could’ve done about it.  I told the man to call the police if he felt threatened, and as was the policy of the nonprofit I was working for at the time, got the man’s consent to speak with the referring medical providers about his “case” when what I really wanted to do was punch the lot of them in the mouth for failing their own patient so egregiously and palming him off on me like he was garbage and I was a can.  Don’t even get me started on how much I hated that job.  I wasn’t well liked either and after 10 months was invited to leave.  To be fair, if I hadn’t needed the money myself, having just quit a perfectly good job at a for-profit law firm (which I also hated) in order to take that one, I would’ve quit my dream job at this nonprofit after a couple of weeks once I realized what really went on there, and that “case” with the elderly Spanish-speaking mentally ill man is a decent example of what a day at the office looked like there.  Here’s another:

Continue reading “Benefits Attorneys are Professional Gaslighters. Language Itself is Gaslighting. Discuss. Or Don’t, It Really Probably Doesn’t Even Matter.”

Cannabis Refugee, Esq. One Year Later. (Meta Discussion)

As my readers may’ve seen or sensed from the recent comments and content on this blog, I have become disillusioned with the CRE writing project and may decide not to continue writing about my experience as a Crohn’s patient trying to survive outside the Western medical system that was not helping me and was only making me worse.  As far as I can tell, this project has not inspired any additional writing or critical thinking on this subject, my posts have not been widely shared or inspired much interesting feedback, and this work has not opened up any additional opportunities for me in the way of writing or activism.  Of course, those were not the reasons I started this blog in the first place but they are to be considered when looking into the future of this project and whether it is in my or anyone’s best interest that it continue.

My original intent in starting this project nearly one year ago was to document my experiences as a seriously ill woman for whom conventional medical treatments were not working including the social, financial and health-related fallout of this system that seems designed to control and punish sick people while we carry the blame and shame for Western medicine’s failures and even its lies.  At times my health and financial situation have been so precarious that I actually believed (and still do believe) that I am going to die here, alone and in the middle nowhere, and I wanted the truth about what happened to me to be known or at least knowable by those who would wonder what the hell could’ve possibly happened that led to that sad and lonely end.

Continue reading “Cannabis Refugee, Esq. One Year Later. (Meta Discussion)”

The Absurdity of the Euthanasia Discussion in the Absence of Effective Medicine and Social Support for the Seriously Chronically Ill.

I cannot tell you how absurd it is to be seeking euthanasia as the final end to this awful Crohn’s journey when I’m not suicidal and I don’t want to die.  What I do want, all of which is illustrated brilliantly in this clip, is 1. effective medical treatment for my disease, or failing that, consistent access to effective pain and symptom relief, in my case medical marijuana which has been used successfully for thousands of years to ease specifically gut ailments and which use is supported in contemporary peer-reviewed medical literature particularly for Crohn’s; 2. social support with fulfilling basic tasks and the activities of daily living like shopping, cleaning, cooking and the like; and 3. to be relieved of external constraints that make existing as a chronically ill person a living fucking hell and a consistent nightmare, which constraints have nothing to do with being ill and everything to do with being an oppressed person and failed consumer/producer under capitalism and patriarchy.  Constraints like poverty.  Fear of (and actual) male violence.  Disability-based (and all) discrimination.  Things like that.

But I can’t have any of those things — effective medical treatment, social support, and freedom from oppression — because under the current system those things don’t actually exist so the easiest thing for everyone would be for me to simply disappear or to have never been born in the first place.  Failing that we have euthanasia otherwise known as assisted dying or medically assisted suicide.  Of course, poor and other unsupported “euthanasia candidates” — who likely don’t have $12,000 and the good health and social support needed to have their efforts rubber stamped/make it official — just know and experience this process as good old-fashioned suicide.  Who knows what Chris Rock really thinks about euthanasia for seriously ill and dying people but he’s not wrong to see the absurdity in it, at least under the current system.

Continue reading “The Absurdity of the Euthanasia Discussion in the Absence of Effective Medicine and Social Support for the Seriously Chronically Ill.”

Our Mothers Want Us Dead. Another Antinatalist Post.

I have spoken at length with other women who, throughout their lives, have been abused, neglected, torn/worn down, palmed off and otherwise unsupported by their mothers to the point that the only logical outcome of this treatment would be our untimely deaths, either from the abuse/neglect itself, from the completely predictable male violence and neglect we are subjected to when we choose heterosexual relations/relationships for survival, or via suicide.  The obvious fact that motherhood is the end result of misogyny, specifically female reproductive abuse including unwanted or “survival” sex and rape, makes this non-attachment to children foreseeable and ordinary and insures that it will never be discussed as if it were either.

I have written here before about what “family” means to me, and from where I’ve always stood, family appears to be the source of overwhelming grief, torture, humiliation, powerlessness and pain including medicalized torture, humiliation and pain if you were “privileged” enough to be born to Western medical professionals like I was.  (Of course, the tools of any trade and any patriarchal conditioning can and will be used by parents to torture children, especially girls.)  Family, if we are honest, is the source and location of almost all of girls’ and women’s suffering including being subjected to abusive male “sex” practices that only lead to one place for female-bodied people: pregnancy and motherhood.  Motherhood is a biological function exactly as romantic as shitting if we are honest about it and children are treated like shit for exactly that reason including grown “children” who were never part of the families they were born into in any human sense.  More like a shit-on-the-bottom-of-your-shoe sense.  Oops.  For more forward-thinking (or adaptable) folk perhaps in a compost-sense: a useful object that better prove to be useful or else.

A goodly portion of us were not wanted by our mothers and common sense bears that out; most of us know how difficult it is to have consequence-free recreational intercourse (or rape) and we activate against pregnancy for decades and not just because of the “timing” although for some that may be part of it.  For anyone who is still unsure, the ways our mothers often treat us make it clear that we were unwanted by her, or at least that we are unwanted now.  Although I shouldn’t be I am taken aback every time I see chronically ill people commenting in groups and on message boards how they are treated almost universally poorly by their own families — including by their own mothers — now that they are sick.  The last time I spoke with my own mother she blamed and dismissed me for being sick and told me I should move to a bigger city “because they have nicer homeless shelters there.”

Why I should be homeless when my mother and my entire family all own their own homes (well, the bank owns them) was not addressed, nor was the fact that my mother only “owns” her home in the first place because she was treated generously (albeit begrudgingly) when she divorced a man who could well afford it.  The fact that she is currently sheltered has nothing to do with her own responsibility, good choices or inherent worth even though she pretends, or may even believe, that it does.  But I digress.

Continue reading “Our Mothers Want Us Dead. Another Antinatalist Post.”

Crohn’s Disease is a Terminal Illness. Coming to Terms.

After researching this disease for going on 6 years now, I believe I have come to a rational conclusion about Crohn’s disease which is that it is not a so-called incurable progressive disease but a fatal one: based on all the evidence including anecdotal evidence from patients themselves I now believe that Crohn’s disease is a terminal illness.  I have more or less concluded that before but for some reason I hadn’t yet come to terms with it.  It’s not easy to come to terms with something like that but not because I suffer from what is almost certainly going to cause my untimely death but because everyone, and I mean absolutely everyone is lying their asses off about Crohn’s disease including how “treatable” it is, what kind of quality of life Crohn’s patients can reasonably expect, how predictably disabling it is and why, and how it’s probably going to end.

But before we get to the end it’s important to start at the beginning and admit what Crohn’s disease is at base: Crohn’s patients, including myself, have to medicate in order to eat.  And that is serious, very serious indeed.  If there is anything that is any less compatible with life than a disease that prevents the sick person from eating I can’t think of it.  A disease that prevented the sick person from breathing wouldn’t be any less compatible with life than Crohn’s is, it would just be quicker.

Continue reading “Crohn’s Disease is a Terminal Illness. Coming to Terms.”