Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part III. The Punchline.

In Part I of this series, I described my history with an insane physically, emotionally and sexually abusive nuclear family that combined with our collective lack of resources made me realize that if the S ever HTF that I would be on my own with no one in my family either willing or able to help.  I decided that I needed to be “successful” in life if I had any hope of securing a safe, sane and comfortable future for myself free from abuse, including abuse from men which I knew by watching and listening to my mother’s experience could and would ruin my life.  In Part II I describe the execution of my plan — I applied and was accepted to law school and graduated at the top of my class, hopeful that a law degree would provide me with the employment skills and financial security I knew I needed to keep myself safe.  I worked my ass off for about 6 years chasing an elusive “savings” and financial safety net that would catch me if I ever needed catching.  In the end, the only substantial money I ever made as a practicing attorney were the legal settlements for two work-related injuries I had suffered on the job as a lawyer.  My career and my best-laid plans were largely a bust by the time I was laid off the final time, lost my apartment in a hurricane, and was diagnosed with a serious debilitating chronic illness, Crohn’s disease.

In this Part III I will dissect and analyze what happened to me as basically the punchline of a cosmic patriarchal and capitalist joke — modern girls and women are led to believe that educations and careers can and will save us from the oppressive lives our mothers and grandmothers led but this is easier said than done.  In reality, my experience and observation has led me to conclude that, under capitalism and patriarchy, women’s “success” or power largely refers to women’s increased spending power as “successful” consumers who make money for other people, where we first accrue an enormous student debt load and then both mandatory and so-called discretionary expenses increase faster than our incomes making the goal of achieving true financial security elusive at best.  Women are in fact prevented in every case from creating safe, sane and comfortable lives for ourselves, including the financial security to protect ourselves from the very worst of patriarchy and capitalism when things go sideways, whether we have careers, or children, or neither or both.  It really doesn’t appear to matter at all.

Continue reading “Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part III. The Punchline.”

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Please Support My Work Via Patreon

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As I have discussed on this blog, I am a seriously chronically ill cannabis refugee and am facing financial ruin and homelessness due to the last 5 years of medical expenditures related to my diagnosis and treatment for Crohn’s disease, a crippling incurable and progressive autoimmune disease of the digestive tract.  After treating for 2 years with Western medical treatments which were not only ineffective but also making me feel worse, I left my partner, my home, my state, my profession and my previous life behind and traveled across the country to seek pain relief and healing through the use of medical cannabis.  Thankfully, I have found significant pain relief and some amount of healing from my disease far beyond what conventional treatments had to offer and I am so grateful to have been able to do that for myself.  Unfortunately, after more than 3 years of paying out-of-pocket for out of state lodging and cannabis treatments, at this time, I have nearly reached the end of my personal resources to deal with this issue.  Due to forces beyond my control, I am not currently eligible for disability- or need-based benefits despite my unfortunate diagnosis, significant disability, negative prognosis and financial need.

Continue reading “Please Support My Work Via Patreon”

How Can a “Tummy Ache” Be So Disabling? Sh*t Friends and Family Members Say to Crohn’s Patients. Part V. The Response.

In Part I of this series, I described the mind- and body-shattering symptoms of Crohn’s disease, a crippling autoimmune disorder of the digestive tract that also causes systemic effects like joint pain, skin eruptions and fevers.  In Part II, I describe the horror of Crohn’s treatment which apparently one has to actually experience in order to understand or empathize with.  In Part III I described my escape from the Western medical industry — after 2 years of suffering with only more suffering to look forward to, and no relief in sight, I packed one suitcase and made a reservation at a vacation rental property in a cannabis-friendly state where I had planned to stay for 2 months and heal myself with medical cannabis.  In Part IV I described my treatment successes as well as the fallout and negative consequences of my decision to leave my partner, my home, my state, my profession, and the Western medical industry behind.  From there, I will let the reader surmise what would have been an appropriate response from friends and family and hope that they are able to provide that considered, appropriate response if one of their own friends or family members fall ill, and to understand that they themselves are unlikely to receive the same considered response under the same conditions and to be prepared.  Being let down by the very people who are supposed to be there for you is a devastating blow.

In this Part V I will describe the actual responses I have received from friends and family regarding my situation which have been so inappropriate, unhelpful and physically and mentally draining that I have had no choice but to cut off all contact with almost everyone I know.

Continue reading “How Can a “Tummy Ache” Be So Disabling? Sh*t Friends and Family Members Say to Crohn’s Patients. Part V. The Response.”

How Can a “Tummy Ache” Be So Disabling? Sh*t Friends and Family Members Say to Crohn’s Patients. Part IV. The Fallout.

In Part I of this series, I described the mind- and body-shattering symptoms of Crohn’s disease, a crippling autoimmune disorder of the digestive tract that also causes systemic effects like joint pain, skin eruptions and fevers.  In Part II, I describe the horror of Crohn’s treatment which apparently one has to actually experience in order to understand or empathize with.  In Part III I described my escape from the Western medical industry — after 2 years of suffering with only more suffering to look forward to, and no relief in sight, I packed one suitcase and made a reservation at a vacation rental property in a cannabis-friendly state where I had planned to stay for 2 months and heal myself with medical cannabis.  3 years later, I am still here and facing a terrifying and uncertain future as a seriously chronically ill cannabis refugee.  In these parts, I hope to show how desperate and hopeless a situation I was (and still am) in as a seriously chronically ill person who was not responding to conventional treatment.  From there, I will let the reader surmise what would have been an appropriate response from friends and family and hope that they are able to provide that considered, appropriate response if one of their own friends or family members fall ill, and to understand that they themselves are unlikely to receive the same considered response under the same conditions and to be prepared.  Being let down by the very people who are supposed to be there for you is a devastating blow.

In this Part IV I will describe the fallout of my decision to leave my partner, my home, my state, my profession, and the Western medical industry behind.

Continue reading “How Can a “Tummy Ache” Be So Disabling? Sh*t Friends and Family Members Say to Crohn’s Patients. Part IV. The Fallout.”

How Can a “Tummy Ache” Be So Disabling? Sh*t Friends and Family Members Say to Crohn’s Patients. Part III. The Escape.

In Part I of this series, I described the mind- and body-shattering symptoms of Crohn’s disease, a crippling autoimmune disorder of the digestive tract that also causes systemic effects like joint pain, skin eruptions and fevers.  In Part II, I described the horror of Crohn’s treatment which apparently one has to actually experience in order to understand or empathize with.  In my experience, which I have seen mirrored in many online support groups for Crohn’s patients, the accepted treatments for Crohn’s are often brutal and offer minimal or no relief.  Furthermore, with its toxic Big Pharma poisons, invasive tests and risky surgeries, Crohn’s treatment often causes “side-effects” — including medical trauma — that are as bad as or worse than the disease itself.  In both parts, I hope to show how desperate and hopeless a situation I was really in as a seriously chronically ill person who was not responding to conventional treatment.  From there, I will let the reader surmise what would have been an appropriate response from friends and family and hope that they are able to provide that considered, appropriate response if one of their own friends or family members fall ill, and to understand that they themselves are unlikely to receive the same considered response under the same conditions and to be prepared.  Being let down by the very people who are supposed to be there for you is a devastating blow.

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RUNNING AWAY FROM THE WESTERN MEDICAL “CURE”

In this Part III, I will describe how I made my escape from the patriarchal capitalistic medical industry that was literally killing me.  By poisoning me through toxic Big Pharma medications that didn’t work anyway, or not for long; creating additional medical trauma through invasive tests and painful side effects; and through the benign or willful neglect of an industry that frankly had no idea how to effectively treat my disease and was not legally allowed to prescribe or recommend cannabis despite its known efficacy in treating Crohn’s, my health and well-being were declining at a frightening pace even though I was a compliant patient and was supposedly doing everything right.  After 2 years of suffering with only more suffering to look forward to, and no relief in sight, I packed one suitcase and made a reservation at a vacation rental property in a cannabis-friendly state where I had planned to stay for 2 months and heal myself with medical cannabis.  3 years later, I am still here and facing a terrifying and uncertain future as a seriously chronically ill cannabis refugee.

Continue reading “How Can a “Tummy Ache” Be So Disabling? Sh*t Friends and Family Members Say to Crohn’s Patients. Part III. The Escape.”

Not a Pretty Girl. Not a Funny Blog. Not Sorry. Or, How Crohn’s-Fart Jokes Serve the State.

Since my diagnosis with and failed conventional treatments for Crohn’s disease I have gotten a lot of comfort and knowledge from reading various online support forums for Crohn’s patients.  It was there that I realized that I was not alone in my diagnosis, symptoms, multiple treatment failures or feelings of hopelessness, despair and what was becoming a seething and visceral hatred and resentment toward the medical community for failing Crohn’s patients and other chronically ill people so badly.  Some forums are even tolerant if not enthusiastic about hosting discussions about medical marijuana for Crohn’s patients which I appreciate.  Most of all I take solace in reading the forums because the participants are real people expressing themselves honestly and often tackling taboos, perhaps the biggest of which is the taboo against disparaging medical treatment, healthcare providers or the patriarchal capitalist medical industry in any way.  Because if you aren’t even allowed to think or discuss negative thoughts about Western medicine and its treatment of Crohn’s how will you ever think about or discuss alternatives?  If Western medicine is put on a pedestal and beyond reproach, what choice do patients have but to blame themselves when their treatments fail to help them and oftentimes actually make them worse?

I think the forum participants are mostly able to be honest because they aren’t doing it as a job, they aren’t trying to build a following on social media, or get clicks, or sell advertising so they do not have to toe the line of playing nice with the medical system that is oftentimes torturing and even killing them.  Not so with the Crohn’s blogs. “Hawt girl with ostomy” seems to be a particularly popular genre in Crohn’s blogging and social networking as is the “Crohn’s Tragicomedy” where graphic bodily and medical horrors, daily indignities and even medical malpractice and abuse are reduced to memes.  Indeed, every Crohn’s blog I have seen evinces uncritical consumption of medical goods and services (and fuckability mandates!) that are resource intensive, barbaric and dangerous; do not work, or for long; and often make patients feel worse.  And while I can see the draw of lighthearted Crohn’s blogging-for-profit — it is light-duty flexible work and a good fit for the chronically ill, and it feels good to laugh — I have learned that making light of issues with political and material implications is just not a good idea in a long-term big-picture kind of way.  It minimizes, normalizes and invisiblizes the harms, lets the perpetrators off the hook, and extinguishes victims’ hard-earned righteous rage.

Continue reading “Not a Pretty Girl. Not a Funny Blog. Not Sorry. Or, How Crohn’s-Fart Jokes Serve the State.”

When You Can No Longer Consume, Conform, Reproduce, Obey. What “Disability” Means Under Capitalism & Patriarchy

“Consume, conform, reproduce, obey” is a reference to the 1988 American science fiction film “They Live” which suggests that subliminal and other cultural messages essentially program people to behave in certain ways which benefit the state and for-profit corporations.  Although the film was fictional, there is an excellent case to be made that it was also based on real life and the real experience of human beings existing under the brutal systems of capitalism and patriarchy.  Here, we are expected to conform to society’s rules with an alleged “greater good” prioritized over the needs of the individual; to obey the mandates of our elite corporate and public overlords created by them to benefit themselves at our expense; to reproduce if we are able and to seek medical assistance to conceive if we cannot; and of course to consume as many products and services as possible which generates income for the most wealthy and powerful among us.  Most able-bodied Western people do these things without thinking too deeply about them or they do it for as long as they physically and mentally can.  But what happens when, due to a serious chronic and debilitating illness or injury, we are no longer able to conform or obey because our illnesses direct our lives?  What happens when our ability to consume is hampered because we no longer have an income?

Here, in the face of serious and disabling illness or injury, the coercive reality of our station is writ large: the new role to which we will conform is that of a professional patient; we will consume medical goods and services whether we want to or not and whether they improve or further damage our health or not; and we will obey this mandate or, without means to supply ourselves with food, shelter or the necessities of life, we will be left to die.  This is the foundation and essence of the disability-based benefits structure and it is very real indeed.  As a seriously ill Crohn’s patient, this is my current (and likely future) station and I am furious about it.  Recognizing my immense vulnerability as a disabled person I am also saddened that it has come to this, horrified that I will be unable to stop it, and terrified for my future.

Continue reading “When You Can No Longer Consume, Conform, Reproduce, Obey. What “Disability” Means Under Capitalism & Patriarchy”