Defeat, Entrapment & Suicide. A Recent Model of Suicidality

Since writing about my own Crohn’s disease and social unsupport-related suicide (well, euthanasia) attempts I have researched suicide a bit and found something interesting.  Much more interesting than the usual twaddle about anxiety, depression and so-called “mental health” issues that sorry, every woman in this hell-dimension probably experiences somewhat regularly as oppressed people who are almost always trying to keep things alive in a necrophilic culture whether it be plants, pets, children, partners, elderly parents and/or ourselves.

In my estimation, the unusually high stakes of that particular game and myriad of obstacles intentionally placed in our way — meaning quite literally that if we let our guards down for a fucking second, and even if we don’t, literal death will come knocking for ourselves and/or our dependents for which we will suffer both the loss and the blame — would tend to be anxiety-producing in many, most if not all women.  Understanding intellectually, intuitively and/or by experience that our role as lifekeepers in a more or less global necrophilic (patriarchal) context is likely to be impossibly difficult (and ultimately futile, because mortality) is depressing.  And when I say depressing, obviously I mean that any of us would be forgiven if we just couldn’t get up the mental or physical energy to do it anymore.

And we all know the effects of gaslighting by now since it was very helpfully illustrated in a play and then 2 derivative Hollywood movies that perhaps not very many modern people have seen but which concept has come to be understood and referenced in popular culture as well as in clinical and research literature studying abuse — the intent and effect of gaslighting is to deliberately drive the victim insane.  So we have deliberately and predictably anxiety-producing living conditions for most if not all women, which conditions are or become depressing due to futility and exhaustion and then everyone we know and indeed our entire culture/s gaslight us about all of this — telling us in a million ways every day that these conditions that are demonstrably real, aren’t — until we crack, if we don’t die first.  There’s your “mental health” crisis innit.

Continue reading “Defeat, Entrapment & Suicide. A Recent Model of Suicidality”

The Welfare Gnome! It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again)

According to the internet, a “sock gnome” is a mythical creature that pilfers socks.  Presumably it lives in or around the dryer where you put an even number of socks in and get an odd number out.  Sometimes it gets tricksy and spits out an even number but the pairs don’t match (meaning it’s pilfered one from more than one pair) but the usual evidence that you’ve had a sock pilfered by a gnome is that there is one left over that doesn’t have a mate and the missing sock never reappears ever.  This is a real thing (if not a real gnome) and everyone knows what this means.

Well, there appears to be a similar creature that lives at Social Services and pilfers sick and poor people’s applications for welfare benefits.  Or something, idk.  I assume these creatures are related but maybe not since this gnome doesn’t play games: its goal seems to be to drive you insane before it literally kills you.  I wrote here before about an application for benefits that went missing, along with a half a dozen other boondoggles that have wasted my spoons and left me scrambling to repeat some administrative process I was barely able to complete survive the first time.

Because while a sick person’s literal inability to jump through bureaucratic hoops is actually the best evidence that someone is extremely ill, someone has decided that only those who are well enough to sing for their supper (or pursue benefits) deserve to eat, as it were.  The first application that went missing was for food stamps, while today I found out that my application to get on a 4 month waitlist to see a doctor went missing 2 months ago and has not been since heard from: although my disability advocate hand-delivered it, the application was never received.

Continue reading “The Welfare Gnome! It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again)”

Cannabis Refugee, Esq. One Year Later. (Meta Discussion)

As my readers may’ve seen or sensed from the recent comments and content on this blog, I have become disillusioned with the CRE writing project and may decide not to continue writing about my experience as a Crohn’s patient trying to survive outside the Western medical system that was not helping me and was only making me worse.  As far as I can tell, this project has not inspired any additional writing or critical thinking on this subject, my posts have not been widely shared or inspired much interesting feedback, and this work has not opened up any additional opportunities for me in the way of writing or activism.  Of course, those were not the reasons I started this blog in the first place but they are to be considered when looking into the future of this project and whether it is in my or anyone’s best interest that it continue.

My original intent in starting this project nearly one year ago was to document my experiences as a seriously ill woman for whom conventional medical treatments were not working including the social, financial and health-related fallout of this system that seems designed to control and punish sick people while we carry the blame and shame for Western medicine’s failures and even its lies.  At times my health and financial situation have been so precarious that I actually believed (and still do believe) that I am going to die here, alone and in the middle nowhere, and I wanted the truth about what happened to me to be known or at least knowable by those who would wonder what the hell could’ve possibly happened that led to that sad and lonely end.

Continue reading “Cannabis Refugee, Esq. One Year Later. (Meta Discussion)”

The Absurdity of the Euthanasia Discussion in the Absence of Effective Medicine and Social Support for the Seriously Chronically Ill.

I cannot tell you how absurd it is to be seeking euthanasia as the final end to this awful Crohn’s journey when I’m not suicidal and I don’t want to die.  What I do want, all of which is illustrated brilliantly in this clip, is 1. effective medical treatment for my disease, or failing that, consistent access to effective pain and symptom relief, in my case medical marijuana which has been used successfully for thousands of years to ease specifically gut ailments and which use is supported in contemporary peer-reviewed medical literature particularly for Crohn’s; 2. social support with fulfilling basic tasks and the activities of daily living like shopping, cleaning, cooking and the like; and 3. to be relieved of external constraints that make existing as a chronically ill person a living fucking hell and a consistent nightmare, which constraints have nothing to do with being ill and everything to do with being an oppressed person and failed consumer/producer under capitalism and patriarchy.  Constraints like poverty.  Fear of (and actual) male violence.  Disability-based (and all) discrimination.  Things like that.

But I can’t have any of those things — effective medical treatment, social support, and freedom from oppression — because under the current system those things don’t actually exist so the easiest thing for everyone would be for me to simply disappear or to have never been born in the first place.  Failing that we have euthanasia otherwise known as assisted dying or medically assisted suicide.  Of course, poor and other unsupported “euthanasia candidates” — who likely don’t have $12,000 and the good health and social support needed to have their efforts rubber stamped/make it official — just know and experience this process as good old-fashioned suicide.  Who knows what Chris Rock really thinks about euthanasia for seriously ill and dying people but he’s not wrong to see the absurdity in it, at least under the current system.

Continue reading “The Absurdity of the Euthanasia Discussion in the Absence of Effective Medicine and Social Support for the Seriously Chronically Ill.”

If A Disease Is Untreatable, Incurable and Progressive, Is It A “Medical” Condition at All? Ft. Trans Criticism.

I have seen it pointed out elsewhere that some “conditions” for which the medical establishment offers consumerist goods and services are not actually bona fide medical conditions at all and are in fact money-making schemes advanced by wealthy investors and others who stand to make a fortune off of anyone stupid, naive or deranged enough to accept them.  The conversation I am most familiar with pertains to the medicalized transgender movement where people are persuaded that they can achieve the impossible through medicalized interventions, in that case, that “transgender” individuals can change their biological sex through consuming expensive and dangerous cross-sex hormones, puberty blocking drugs, and surgeries including castration, so-called “facial feminization” surgeries and others.

Whether anyone accepts the psychological or physical transgenderism of individuals or not, the issue remains that there are billions of dollars to be made globally on this phenomenon and thinking people are prone to thinking about such things.  “Follow the money” is a familiar admonition and politically-minded people understand what that means.  They generally accept the reality that where there is money to be made, there will be corruption and wealthy people and entities working in the shadows to further their own interests.  In the above-linked article by Jennifer Bilek entitled “Who Are the Rich, White Men Institutionalizing Transgender Ideology?” she asks and answers that question and names names.  She concludes that it is “Exceedingly rich, white men (and women) who invest in biomedical companies [who] are funding myriad transgender organizations whose agenda will make them gobs of money” including billionaire businessmen George Soros, “Jennifer” Pritzker and others. And it’s difficult to argue with that conclusion which is demonstrably true.  But let’s go further.

Continue reading “If A Disease Is Untreatable, Incurable and Progressive, Is It A “Medical” Condition at All? Ft. Trans Criticism.”

Cheryl Went the Other Way. On The Path Not Taken.

Recently I met Cheryl, a member of my adopted community here in the Middle of Nowhere, Cannabis Central, USA.  Cheryl is a bit older than I am, used to be a writer of religious texts.  Even had one published before self-publishing was a thing.  A bona fide published writer.  Writers are a weird bunch (obviously) and Cheryl is certainly weird, and was probably a bit (way) off even before she got sick — like me, Cheryl is seriously chronically ill.  I haven’t asked about her diagnoses but like many chronically ill people and especially chronically ill women, she likely has more than one illness, and it is likely that at least one of her afflictions is an autoimmune disease.  As I am learning, these illnesses, for whatever reason, tend to travel in packs.  I personally only have one that I know of — Crohn’s disease — but since moving residences 2 weeks ago and finding myself unable to get out of bed much and wracked with head-to-toe pain and crippling fatigue ever since, I am once again wondering if I have another one although I have learned through reading other Crohn’s patients’ testimonies online that Crohn’s all by itself is enough to render anyone the barely-walking dead and that is indeed how I feel.  Cheryl, on the other hand, has been buried under her particular prison for years.

Continue reading “Cheryl Went the Other Way. On The Path Not Taken.”

Crohn’s Disease and Euthanasia. Medically Assisted Suicide for Intractable Pain and Symptoms in “Nonterminal” Illness

This man, Jason (Jay) Franklin, has Hirschprung disease, a congenital birth defect in which the colon and possibly also the small intestine are not properly enervated causing bowel obstruction and inability to pass stool.  He had his first abdominal surgery at 14 days old which left him with a life-long colostomy bag and has had, in his estimation, 15-20 or more additional abdominal surgeries in his life to treat obstructions and iatrogenic illnesses from the treatments and surgeries themselves as abdominal surgery and manhandling the intestine actually cause bowel adhesions that require more surgery and so on.  At the time this footage was taken, he was on opiate pain relievers and Valium to dull the severe pain and physical and emotional distress of his disease which medications leave him cognitively impaired and he still has severe symptoms that leave him disabled from working and which prevent restful sleep.  He is also still unable to digest most food and is unable to care for himself and lives with his mother.  In this documentary, he is observed in his ordeal to apply for and be accepted to a Swiss euthanasia program called Dignitas where he intends to take his own life due to the intractable pain and incurable symptoms and progression of his disease.

While this man does not have Crohn’s disease, his condition is similar in many ways including severe intractable pain, gut issues leading to malnutrition, malabsorption and dehydration, and the incurable nature of his illness which Western medicine nevertheless does not consider terminal because there are “treatments” available when his bowel becomes obstructed, when fistulas open between his bowel and bladder causing him to urinate feces, and when he develops life threatening infections and sepsis.  Swiss euthanasia clinics appear to be the only such services available to nonterminal patients who suffer from intractable pain, and this video documents his attempts to navigate the financial and bureaucratic minefields standing between him and his chosen escape from his suffering: assisted dying, otherwise known as euthanasia or medically assisted suicide.

Continue reading “Crohn’s Disease and Euthanasia. Medically Assisted Suicide for Intractable Pain and Symptoms in “Nonterminal” Illness”