Our Mothers Want Us Dead. Another Antinatalist Post.

I have spoken at length with other women who, throughout their lives, have been abused, neglected, torn/worn down, palmed off and otherwise unsupported by their mothers to the point that the only logical outcome of this treatment would be our untimely deaths, either from the abuse/neglect itself, from the completely predictable male violence and neglect we are subjected to when we choose heterosexual relations/relationships for survival, or via suicide.  The obvious fact that motherhood is the end result of misogyny, specifically female reproductive abuse including unwanted or “survival” sex and rape, makes this non-attachment to children foreseeable and ordinary and insures that it will never be discussed as if it were either.

I have written here before about what “family” means to me, and from where I’ve always stood, family appears to be the source of overwhelming grief, torture, humiliation, powerlessness and pain including medicalized torture, humiliation and pain if you were “privileged” enough to be born to Western medical professionals like I was.  (Of course, the tools of any trade and any patriarchal conditioning can and will be used by parents to torture children, especially girls.)  Family, if we are honest, is the source and location of almost all of girls’ and women’s suffering including being subjected to abusive male “sex” practices that only lead to one place for female-bodied people: pregnancy and motherhood.  Motherhood is a biological function exactly as romantic as shitting if we are honest about it and children are treated like shit for exactly that reason including grown “children” who were never part of the families they were born into in any human sense.  More like a shit-on-the-bottom-of-your-shoe sense.  Oops.  For more forward-thinking (or adaptable) folk perhaps in a compost-sense: a useful object that better prove to be useful or else.

A goodly portion of us were not wanted by our mothers and common sense bears that out; most of us know how difficult it is to have consequence-free recreational intercourse (or rape) and we activate against pregnancy for decades and not just because of the “timing” although for some that may be part of it.  For anyone who is still unsure, the ways our mothers often treat us make it clear that we were unwanted by her, or at least that we are unwanted now.  Although I shouldn’t be I am taken aback every time I see chronically ill people commenting in groups and on message boards how they are treated almost universally poorly by their own families — including by their own mothers — now that they are sick.  The last time I spoke with my own mother she blamed and dismissed me for being sick and told me I should move to a bigger city “because they have nicer homeless shelters there.”

Why I should be homeless when my mother and my entire family all own their own homes (well, the bank owns them) was not addressed, nor was the fact that my mother only “owns” her home in the first place because she was treated generously (albeit begrudgingly) when she divorced a man who could well afford it.  The fact that she is currently sheltered has nothing to do with her own responsibility, good choices or inherent worth even though she pretends, or may even believe, that it does.  But I digress.

Continue reading “Our Mothers Want Us Dead. Another Antinatalist Post.”

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Autoimmune Women Are Supposed to Pay Doctors to Give Them AIDS. Are You Fucking Kidding Me.

Remember when “they” were saying that getting AIDS was like the worst thing ever?  I do — I am a child of the 80s afterall, and I was in 4th or 5th grade when the AIDS crisis hit and everyone was terrified of getting AIDS, children (children!) were being told to never have “unprotected” sex because of the AIDS, early on we were being told not to use public drinking fountains and to ostracize children with AIDS so as not to get AIDS ourselves.  Remember Ryan White?  I do!  I didn’t even have to Google to find his name, 40 years later I still remember his name and his story by heart, he was from my state and a few years older than I was.  He scared the shit out of everyone because he wasn’t doing anything “wrong” when he contracted AIDS like having the unprotected (or gay) sex.  That poor soul got it from a medical procedure, in his case, a blood transfusion for hemophilia.  Tragic.

Soon it became passé for anyone to trouble themselves with “how” anyone contracted AIDS — AIDS patients deserved our compassion, our respect, our acceptance of their physical and mental decline and resulting disability, regardless of how they got it.  Remember Ali Gertz?  I do.  She was a straight, affluent, white female and she got HIV and developed AIDS from a single sexual encounter with a man.  Of course, the man was bisexual and almost certainly got it from another man but by then it ostensibly didn’t matter…unless a woman gave her baby AIDS, then of course the woman was the Devil.  AIDS didn’t discriminate, AIDS was a horrible, painful, untreatable disease, a death sentence that no one deserved…except mothers who gave their babies AIDS, they deserved everything they got and more.  But deserved or not, no one was disputing that AIDS was serious, painfully serious, brutally final.

At some point “they” started saying no it’s not the AIDS specifically that’s the problem, it’s the HIV you don’t want, and that’s a virus so just use Universal Precautions and you should be fine!  Fairly recently they started saying it’s possible to “live with” HIV and never develop full-blown AIDS at all.  The message there appears to be that AIDS is actually what you don’t want afterall.  AIDS — Acquired Immuno Deficiency Syndrome — where your immune system becomes weakened, decimated and destroyed and you develop life-threatening opportunistic infections from bacteria, viruses, parasites, fungi, you get cancer (or more than one) and then need to be treated for the cancer(s), your quality of life plummets to zero and you can no longer work or play effectively, your friends and family have to care for you, even though there’s nothing long-term they can do for you, and you die painfully, skeletally, covered in sores and rashes, beyond spent, half out of your mind.  That’s the effects of the AIDS mind you — the HIV in and of itself appears to be relatively harmless except that it causes AIDS, and AIDS is still bad, very very bad, something unequivocally to be avoided.  Are we clear on that?  Good.

Enter “biologics,” the class of “treatment” — read Big Pharma poison — approved for managing autoimmune diseases like Multiple Sclerosis (MS), Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) Crohn’s disease and more.  The so-called “side effect” of biologics — read iatrogenic illness and injury, meaning additional illness and injury caused by medical attention and treatment itself — is that biologics “change how your immune system works.”  That obfuscating bit of Big Pharma propaganda brought to you by the literal pricks at Johns Hopkins Arthritis Center.  Of course, “change” here means “destroy” and going from having a functioning immune system to not having an immune system at all is certainly a change so they aren’t technically lying but WOW, just wow.

Continue reading “Autoimmune Women Are Supposed to Pay Doctors to Give Them AIDS. Are You Fucking Kidding Me.”

How Sick is Sick? Why “Just Wear a Diaper” is Not Good Advice.

Just wear a diaper.  This was the response of my now ex-boyfriend when I told him how sick I was due to my Crohn’s disease, that I was unable to travel, and that if I was ever going to leave this cannabis legal state for another more affordable one I would need help with literally everything that entailed, up to and including supporting me with physical caretaking for the duration of the trip and likely continuing once I got there.  Before I started to feel significantly better, about a year and a half after beginning treatment with medical cannabis, I was extremely, extremely ill, more ill than I had ever been in my life, sicker than I ever thought possible, and so sick I actually thought I would die.  I hadn’t slept well if at all in literally years by then, I had been unable to eat or digest food without extreme physical distress for the same amount of time, and had lost significant weight.  But more importantly than weight, sleep or nutrition, every last drop of my former vitality was gone and no matter what I did or didn’t do, including 2 full years of compliance, dutifully taking Western medical treatments that were actually making me worse, nothing helped to quash the hellish, unrelenting pain and symptoms of my serious chronic illness.  I was absolutely circling the drain.

Before this happened to me I had no idea it was even possible to be that sick.  How sick was I?  Well, I was so sick that eating food put me in severe distress, so much that not eating at all was preferable, even if I didn’t eat for days, and even if the reason I didn’t eat for days was because I had the flu.  Having the flu and not being able to eat for days actually made me feel better than I usually felt because all food made me extremely, extremely ill including severe unrelenting bloating, nausea, fevers, full body and joint pain, crippling abdominal pain, gut spasms, urgency and diarrhea.  I felt better with a full-blown flu than I did on a normal Crohn’s day.

Remember last time you had the flu?  Try.  Try to remember how badly it sucked and how long it lasted, how your whole body hurt inside and out, how you were cognitively slowed if not downright impaired, how you had a massive fever and a crippling headache, how difficult if not impossible it was to do everyday tasks like driving, conducting telephone or in-person business like making and getting to an appointment or getting prescriptions filled, how hard it was to work a full day (or how hard it was to even move) how you lost your appetite completely, how you shit and/or puked your guts out if you even tried to eat or drink.  As an un- and undertreated Crohn’s patient, having the flu and all it entails was actually bliss for me and better than I could ever hope for on a normal day because I couldn’t eat, and where food made me extremely, extremely ill.  In fact, if I hadn’t come down with the second-worst flu of my life 2 days before I was scheduled to travel across the country to legally treat my Crohn’s disease with medical cannabis, I may not have been able to make the trip at all.  That is how unbelievably sick I have been as a Crohn’s patient, but I have found that it was and is impossible to get anyone to understand it if they have not experienced it themselves, and that generally-well people just do not get what being seriously or chronically ill is really like and apparently it’s impossible to explain it to them.

So why is “just wear a diaper” not good advice to someone who is chronically, incurably and progressively ill, basically incontinent and unable to predict when, where, how frequently etc. they will have to “use the toilet” whether or not there is actually a toilet around?  Because diapers aren’t meant for sick people, that’s why, and diapers do not make someone who is extremely ill well again.  They just don’t and they just can’t.  Believe it or don’t, there are limits to what diapers are able to do, you see, and it has everything to do with what diapers were (and were not) designed to do in the first place.

Babies shitting into diapers aren’t sick, elderly people doing the same thing aren’t sick.  Get it?  They do not have crippling pain that accompanies their often unpredictable need to shit, they do not have to puke at the same time they are shitting, they do not have to figure out how to lay down and shit at the same time — or do all of this while puking — because they are too ill to sit up and shit or to sit up to shit-while-puking.  If you do not have Crohn’s disease yourself, it is likely that you have never considered that it was even possible to be this sick just like I didn’t know until it happened to me.  But hearing this kind of fuckwittery — like “just wear a diaper!” — from people who are supposed to care about you is not helpful.  Please read on if you do not wish to seriously hurt someone you are supposed to care about but who has, unfortunately, fallen seriously chronically ill.

Continue reading “How Sick is Sick? Why “Just Wear a Diaper” is Not Good Advice.”