“The Cannabis” is the Only Reason I Can Tolerate This. Another Family Member’s Response.

You are totally wrong about Crohn’s survivors.  The real survivors have real families and real jobs and real lives.  You need to up your game.

This was my mother’s response — remember her?  She’s a nurse.  She was responding to me telling her — a nurse — that Crohn’s disease is incurable and progressive, and that if she thought that my treatment with medical cannabis was a failure because I wasn’t cured, she wasn’t thinking things through.  A nurse, a fucking nurse, not only has no idea that an incurable and progressive disease is both incurable and progressive, she disbelieves me when I tell her, and she has obviously never even bothered looking it up.  Here is the first result when you ask Google “Is Crohn’s disease progressive?”

Stages of Crohn’s Disease

Crohn’s disease is marked by inflammation of the gastrointestinal (GI) tract. The inflammation can appear anywhere in the GI tract from the mouth to the anus. People with the disease often experience ups and downs in symptoms. They may even experience periods of remission. However, Crohn’s is a progressive disease that starts with mild symptoms and gradually gets worse. The stages of Crohn’s range from mild to moderate to severe. The earlier you treat and manage Crohn’s, the more likely you’ll reduce your risk for developing severe symptoms.

That was from Healthline but it’s also on other sites as well, like this offering from a peer-reviewed medical journal:

Crohn’s disease (CD) is a progressive disease that is subdivided into three phenotypes: inflammatory, stricturing and penetrating. At diagnosis, most CD patients have inflammatory disease. However, the natural history of CD is one of progression over time to structural complications of the gastrointestinal tract (strictures and fistulae) requiring hospitalizations and surgeries.

And this from the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation, a well-known Crohn’s and colitis charity (whatever the hell “charity” means in that context.  They fund medical research) when asked whether Crohn’s is incurable:

Known collectively as inflammatory bowel diseases (IBD), Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis affect more than 1.6 million Americans. That’s one in every 200 Americans living with one of these debilitating, medically incurable diseases that attack the digestive system.

Continue reading ““The Cannabis” is the Only Reason I Can Tolerate This. Another Family Member’s Response.”

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Death First! Unsurrendering to the Capitalistic Patriarchal Medical Machine and the Right to Refuse Unwanted Medical Care

Insufferable tomes explaining legal concepts are beyond the scope of this blog and frankly beyond the scope of my interest as a seriously chronically ill attorney and cannabis refugee so I will just sum up.  As was and is my right as a competent adult in this country, I decided 3 years ago to abandon the capitalistic patriarchal Western medical machine that was not helping me with my severe Crohn’s disease.  The painful invasive tests, failure to adequately treat either my symptoms or my pain and the aggregating side-effects of my medications were only causing additional medical trauma and making me feel worse.

Continue reading “Death First! Unsurrendering to the Capitalistic Patriarchal Medical Machine and the Right to Refuse Unwanted Medical Care”

Women, Accumulation & “Losing It All”

As I have already described here, I put myself through law school and became an attorney fully expecting that if anything “bad” or financially catastrophic ever happened to me that I would be all alone without family or friends to support me.  My nuclear family experience was oppressive and sadistic while my extended family and friends shared a collective lack of resources such that I knew that even if they wanted to help, there was little to no chance they would be able.

Furthermore, I had believed my mother when she told me that getting married and having kids had ruined her life.  I believed that if I had any hope of taking care of myself long-term, including getting myself through when times were tough, I would need to be a “successful” skilled educated worker in a high-paying field for as long as possible, and that to avoid the awful oppressive conditions my mother faced, including the financial abuse and want she suffered when she was left a divorced, struggling single mother, that I would probably have to remain single and do it all by myself.  Marrying rich (or at all), or in my mother’s case where she put my dad through medical school instead of herself, creating a sadistic misogynistic doctor out of a sadistic misogynistic poor guy from rural Michigan, was not the answer.  I thought I had it all figured out and was led to believe I had.

After graduating from law school at the top of my class, I worked for about 6 years and got virtually nowhere.  I found that, for newly licensed attorneys, the starting salaries were low and the practice-related expenses were high — things like a professional wardrobe and respectable vehicle were more or less required, and occasional vacations and costly relaxations and recreations weren’t exactly “discretionary” when you were losing your health and sanity to the oppressive working conditions of an entry-level employee faced with high responsibility and low control.  High responsibility and low control being the objective markers of an objectively dissatisfying career leading to physical, emotional and mental “burnout” and worse.

In fact, my health started declining shortly after I began my career and became progressively worse, and eventually I was diagnosed with a disabling and progressive chronic illness, Crohn’s disease.  And while I had managed to accumulate some resources in my time as a practicing attorney and was able to pay out of pocket for out-of-state lodging and alternative treatment for 3 years, I am currently at the end of my personal resources to deal with this problem.  I have lost it all, having liquidated my assets, spent my savings, and maxed out and destroyed my credit pursuing the only medical treatment I ever found to deaden the pain and heal the destructive effects of Crohn’s disease: medical cannabis.

How and why is it so hard to “make it” under capitalism and patriarchy and so easy to then “lose it all”?  Having experienced this myself, and having a lot of time to think about and analyze my situation, I have come to believe that losing it all — or having nothing in the first place — is more or less our natural human state and is entirely consistent with natural law.  Simply put, no one has a natural right to accumulate.  If left to the ravages of time and the elements, all accumulations will vanish.

Continue reading “Women, Accumulation & “Losing It All””

Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part III. The Punchline.

In Part I of this series, I described my history with an insane physically, emotionally and sexually abusive nuclear family that combined with our collective lack of resources made me realize that if the S ever HTF that I would be on my own with no one in my family either willing or able to help.  I decided that I needed to be “successful” in life if I had any hope of securing a safe, sane and comfortable future for myself free from abuse, including abuse from men which I knew by watching and listening to my mother’s experience could and would ruin my life.  In Part II I describe the execution of my plan — I applied and was accepted to law school and graduated at the top of my class, hopeful that a law degree would provide me with the employment skills and financial security I knew I needed to keep myself safe.  I worked my ass off for about 6 years chasing an elusive “savings” and financial safety net that would catch me if I ever needed catching.  In the end, the only substantial money I ever made as a practicing attorney were the legal settlements for two work-related injuries I had suffered on the job as a lawyer.  My career and my best-laid plans were largely a bust by the time I was laid off the final time, lost my apartment in a hurricane, and was diagnosed with a serious debilitating chronic illness, Crohn’s disease.

In this Part III I will dissect and analyze what happened to me as basically the punchline of a cosmic patriarchal and capitalist joke — modern girls and women are led to believe that educations and careers can and will save us from the oppressive lives our mothers and grandmothers led but this is easier said than done.  In reality, my experience and observation has led me to conclude that, under capitalism and patriarchy, women’s “success” or power largely refers to women’s increased spending power as “successful” consumers who make money for other people, where we first accrue an enormous student debt load and then both mandatory and so-called discretionary expenses increase faster than our incomes making the goal of achieving true financial security elusive at best.  Women are in fact prevented in every case from creating safe, sane and comfortable lives for ourselves, including the financial security to protect ourselves from the very worst of patriarchy and capitalism when things go sideways, whether we have careers, or children, or neither or both.  It really doesn’t appear to matter at all.

Continue reading “Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part III. The Punchline.”

Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part II. The Execution.

In Part I of this series, I described my early motivation to become “successful” professionally in order to secure financial and material control over my future and my life, to create a financial “safety net” in case I ever needed one, and to avoid the oppressive outcomes of my mother and grandmother before me.  In this Part II I describe how I executed my plan.

No female in my line had ever attempted let alone completed an advanced degree so I have no idea where I got the idea that I could do it.  But I know when and where I was when I started thinking I should do it — I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find a job.  I had been living on need-based student loans and various side-gigs for years and was frankly sick and tired of being a student but I was good at it and the loans paid the bills for now.  I knew I needed to continue my education and I knew I needed to be as highly skilled and educated as possible if I had any hope of supporting myself including getting myself through when times got tough.  I had no one to help me.

I applied and was accepted to law school and moved to a new state, got set up in an apartment and began a terrifying and exhausting journey that pushed me beyond my limits.  I endured the dreaded Socratic Method that seemed designed to cause anxiety and panic in students.  I did Law Review because I had heard that you needed either that or Moot Court on your transcript if you ever hoped to get a job and Moot Court was essentially Socratic Method on steroids.  I did an extensive 2-term internship, took on a teaching assistant position, wrote and published a journal article and did everything I could to increase my chances of beginning the successful career I knew I needed to survive.  I had days and weeks where I grievously abused my body and my mind completing grueling tasks with little or no sleep and suffered a couple of serious illnesses likely due to stress.  At one point I had frightening GI symptoms that may have been my first bout with Crohn’s disease — looking back, I had all the symptoms of a bowel obstruction.  But I soldiered on.

Continue reading “Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part II. The Execution.”

Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part I. The Motivation.

My mother always told me that getting married and having children ruined her life.  She told me her own mother had forced her to get married when she was 17 years old because that was the right thing to do and she would not have her daughter living in sin.  If I recall, my mother had already graduated from high school, gotten her own apartment and was in nursing school by then.  My dad was 20 and as men always seem to do, he moved in to her space and thus inserted himself into her life forever.  My mom never wanted children and actively tried to prevent that from happening — she tried the dangerous and essentially experimental early high-dose birth control pills that gave her terrible side effects.  She gave up on them after 5 years, my dad regularly raped her and refused to use a condom, and I have no idea what else she tried or didn’t try before she became pregnant with me at 22, pretty much immediately after stopping the Pill.  She was pregnant again 2 months after I was born, and then again when I was 3.

Continue reading “Self-Sufficiency, Responsibility, Preparation, Independence and Other Nonstarters. Part I. The Motivation.”

Please Support My Work Via Patreon

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As I have discussed on this blog, I am a seriously chronically ill cannabis refugee and am facing financial ruin and homelessness due to the last 5 years of medical expenditures related to my diagnosis and treatment for Crohn’s disease, a crippling incurable and progressive autoimmune disease of the digestive tract.  After treating for 2 years with Western medical treatments which were not only ineffective but also making me feel worse, I left my partner, my home, my state, my profession and my previous life behind and traveled across the country to seek pain relief and healing through the use of medical cannabis.  Thankfully, I have found significant pain relief and some amount of healing from my disease far beyond what conventional treatments had to offer and I am so grateful to have been able to do that for myself.  Unfortunately, after more than 3 years of paying out-of-pocket for out of state lodging and cannabis treatments, at this time, I have nearly reached the end of my personal resources to deal with this issue.  Due to forces beyond my control, I am not currently eligible for disability- or need-based benefits despite my unfortunate diagnosis, significant disability, negative prognosis and financial need.

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